Talk to me when you've calmed down a little...
I've calmed down a lot. But it took an extended conversation with David to get me there, I'll tell you what... So he IMmed me last night at around... 10 something I guess, saying "soooooooooo bored," and I suggested that he call me because I had a story to tell. So he called, and we talked for a while just about random stuff, and he told me that his ex girlfriend was initiating contact again saying that she was thinking about him and something or other, and that he didn't know how he felt about it in terms of what her motives were, and I told him my Adam story about when he was talking to me about my ex and said, "Did he ever give you this: 'I've been thinking about you all day... but you know, totally Platonically.' or, 'I've been wanting to talk to you... but not about getting back together.'? That's called mind games, and that's called get the fuck out." I really appreciated his advice at the time, so I figured I'd just pass it on to Dave. He agreed with my sentiments and said that no matter what her motives were (between either wanting to get back together or just wanting to have a friendship), he wasn't sure he wanted any part of either thing. I understood.
Then I told him my story about the apple guy, and he was like "Wow that's cool, there you go," and then I started to say something that he could tell that I didn't want to say, and after a few minutes of prodding me, he finally said "Spit it out," so I said "I don't know where that leaves me and you." I then explained that I didn't even know if there was a "me and you" between us, and he responded that to an extent there is because of what happened between us, which I then admitted that I agreed with, but I wouldn't have unless he said it first. He then said, "this would also require that we define 'me and you,'" so we started working on that, and the first thing he said was that he is in a place where he never thought he'd be, where he wakes up in the morning and wants to go to work. He also said that he did not want to be in a relationship right now, and to both things I responded that I did not expect that he would want to be in a relationship with me anyway and that I didn't want that of him. I explained all of the stuff that I had been thinking about, like about all of the things I would have done differently if I knew that we were going to hook up (most of the stuff that I'd already been writing here about my confusion, and I added that I wasn't even wearing sexy underwear (everything I wrote in that entry a few days ago), and he assured me that he had not even been thinking about any of that at the time, that he couldn't tell me now what I was wearing or any of that, and finally, and most poignantly, the underwear that I was wearing had nothing to do with his decision to do what we did.
So I asked, "Why did it happen then?" He explained that he had thought about it a few times before (!!), and that there'd always been some sort of physical attraction there (!!!), and that this time, he saw no reason not to do it and saw more reasons *to* do it than anything else. His final response ended up being "why not?" I explained that I never would make a pass at him, to which he responded "Are you kidding? You've been ma-" and I cut him off and explained that I meant I'd never physically make a pass at him--that I never would have kissed him or anything--that ball was always in his court. He understood after I said that, and he asked me if I was nervous, and I said "No, you've made me more nervous before," which he thought meant that I was in fact nervous now, which I definitely was not. I also explained that when I was with him that night in my room, I could not have been more at ease (meaning that I was completely comfortable and not nervous about it, and that's actually true). And he said "Are you sure you're not nervous?" to which I responded, "I don't think I can be. Not anymore." He let it settle and said, "Point taken."
In terms of "ever," he said that if he were to move back here (from Pittsburgh where he lives now), he would probably not object to trying something out between the two of us. I was pretty surprised at this. I told him I wouldn't hold him to that because it's impossible to know where either of us are going to be in whatever amount of time. He also explained that to try and have a relationship between us as things stand now would be really impractical, which I wholeheartedly agree with. I also told him that the ball was still in his court in terms of whether or not we'd hook up again. His longwinded answer to that ended up being that I should do whatever feels right at the time if I wanted to do anything, and that he would tell me if he was uncomfortable or if he didn't want to, for he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable or like I could not act on momentary urges if I had any. This was really good to hear.
I won't lie, everything he said was good to hear. He always tells me not to worry about whatever I'm worrying about at whatever time, but this time, I think I can really handle it. I've gotten all of my demons out, and I even have questions answered that I wasn't planning on asking. All is well now between me and Dave. And I don't doubt that the next time I see him, everything will be fine and great. What a relief, huh? After all this time, I can finally be at peace. Ha, I must wonder, how many times have I thought that before?
Then I told him my story about the apple guy, and he was like "Wow that's cool, there you go," and then I started to say something that he could tell that I didn't want to say, and after a few minutes of prodding me, he finally said "Spit it out," so I said "I don't know where that leaves me and you." I then explained that I didn't even know if there was a "me and you" between us, and he responded that to an extent there is because of what happened between us, which I then admitted that I agreed with, but I wouldn't have unless he said it first. He then said, "this would also require that we define 'me and you,'" so we started working on that, and the first thing he said was that he is in a place where he never thought he'd be, where he wakes up in the morning and wants to go to work. He also said that he did not want to be in a relationship right now, and to both things I responded that I did not expect that he would want to be in a relationship with me anyway and that I didn't want that of him. I explained all of the stuff that I had been thinking about, like about all of the things I would have done differently if I knew that we were going to hook up (most of the stuff that I'd already been writing here about my confusion, and I added that I wasn't even wearing sexy underwear (everything I wrote in that entry a few days ago), and he assured me that he had not even been thinking about any of that at the time, that he couldn't tell me now what I was wearing or any of that, and finally, and most poignantly, the underwear that I was wearing had nothing to do with his decision to do what we did.
So I asked, "Why did it happen then?" He explained that he had thought about it a few times before (!!), and that there'd always been some sort of physical attraction there (!!!), and that this time, he saw no reason not to do it and saw more reasons *to* do it than anything else. His final response ended up being "why not?" I explained that I never would make a pass at him, to which he responded "Are you kidding? You've been ma-" and I cut him off and explained that I meant I'd never physically make a pass at him--that I never would have kissed him or anything--that ball was always in his court. He understood after I said that, and he asked me if I was nervous, and I said "No, you've made me more nervous before," which he thought meant that I was in fact nervous now, which I definitely was not. I also explained that when I was with him that night in my room, I could not have been more at ease (meaning that I was completely comfortable and not nervous about it, and that's actually true). And he said "Are you sure you're not nervous?" to which I responded, "I don't think I can be. Not anymore." He let it settle and said, "Point taken."
In terms of "ever," he said that if he were to move back here (from Pittsburgh where he lives now), he would probably not object to trying something out between the two of us. I was pretty surprised at this. I told him I wouldn't hold him to that because it's impossible to know where either of us are going to be in whatever amount of time. He also explained that to try and have a relationship between us as things stand now would be really impractical, which I wholeheartedly agree with. I also told him that the ball was still in his court in terms of whether or not we'd hook up again. His longwinded answer to that ended up being that I should do whatever feels right at the time if I wanted to do anything, and that he would tell me if he was uncomfortable or if he didn't want to, for he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable or like I could not act on momentary urges if I had any. This was really good to hear.
I won't lie, everything he said was good to hear. He always tells me not to worry about whatever I'm worrying about at whatever time, but this time, I think I can really handle it. I've gotten all of my demons out, and I even have questions answered that I wasn't planning on asking. All is well now between me and Dave. And I don't doubt that the next time I see him, everything will be fine and great. What a relief, huh? After all this time, I can finally be at peace. Ha, I must wonder, how many times have I thought that before?