patience is a virtue
i miss the part of my life that was fine. it was a fleeting moment when everything was exactly how i wanted it. the weird part is, it was the part of my life i hated the most: high school. i was voted class artist and most musical, i had a pretty solidified group of friends including my absolute-would-die-for best friend, i had an awesome job with the best manager, i was half of the all american couple. i felt talented, smart, beautiful. and all of a sudden, here i am. don't get me wrong, things are fine, but its not exactly how i pictured it. ok. i didn't exactly have a picture. i had a very vague idea, or several of them. there were some things that were constant in all of my ideas of my future. my family was always there, just as close as we are now. i still had my best friend. and i was with someone who respected me.
joe is...
joe's not really what i pictured. i don't know how to verbalize everything that i've been feeling. he doesn't give a shit. my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my feelings don't mean anything to him. he does and says whatever he wants with no concern as to how he affects me. did i mention the time he just took off for three days with out telling me? yeah, when i finally got a hold of him, he got mad because i wanted to talk about what was going on, and he told me he wanted to have his last taste of freedom before being tied down. he doesn't really care if we talk or not, we usually do what he wants to, even if i specifically tell him "no", if you know what i mean. if i say to him, 'i do not want to mess around", he somehow weasels me into it. then, afterwards, i sit there, and it dawns on me that i said, out loud, i do not want to do that. he never forces me physically, but sometimes i feel totally manipulated. he puts on a lot of pressure sometimes. when we are in the dark, i here a lot of "come on, come on....why not?" there is no respect in this relationship. and i cannot figure out how a confident independent woman like me settled for something like this.
so last night we did a lot of talking. he told me that when we hit some troubled times in our relationship, he pulled back emotionally to prepare for me not being in his life. i tried to tell him that that was the only way i wasn't going to be there. they way he's been so apathetic towards me and everything about me is driving me away. my thought process on the whole thing is if you worry about me not being in your life, try to make it so i'll stay, not prepare yourself and make my leaving inevitable.
we weren't always like this. we used to be great together. i hope things are different after last night. today, he hasn't really proved it. you can never lose you patience, but mine's wearing thin.
Jes
joe is...
joe's not really what i pictured. i don't know how to verbalize everything that i've been feeling. he doesn't give a shit. my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my feelings don't mean anything to him. he does and says whatever he wants with no concern as to how he affects me. did i mention the time he just took off for three days with out telling me? yeah, when i finally got a hold of him, he got mad because i wanted to talk about what was going on, and he told me he wanted to have his last taste of freedom before being tied down. he doesn't really care if we talk or not, we usually do what he wants to, even if i specifically tell him "no", if you know what i mean. if i say to him, 'i do not want to mess around", he somehow weasels me into it. then, afterwards, i sit there, and it dawns on me that i said, out loud, i do not want to do that. he never forces me physically, but sometimes i feel totally manipulated. he puts on a lot of pressure sometimes. when we are in the dark, i here a lot of "come on, come on....why not?" there is no respect in this relationship. and i cannot figure out how a confident independent woman like me settled for something like this.
so last night we did a lot of talking. he told me that when we hit some troubled times in our relationship, he pulled back emotionally to prepare for me not being in his life. i tried to tell him that that was the only way i wasn't going to be there. they way he's been so apathetic towards me and everything about me is driving me away. my thought process on the whole thing is if you worry about me not being in your life, try to make it so i'll stay, not prepare yourself and make my leaving inevitable.
we weren't always like this. we used to be great together. i hope things are different after last night. today, he hasn't really proved it. you can never lose you patience, but mine's wearing thin.
Jes