Could it really be just a four letter lie?
So I'm trying to figure this whole love thing out.
First of all, I don't know if I've ever been in love. When asked I always answer no. I know I've never said it before, but there have been times, looking back, I think I might have felt it. I used to believe that love was a two way thing. That you could only really be in love with someone if they were in love with you back. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. I know I'm not in love right now, but I have had very strong feelings for someone before. They never really went away, they just morphed into something that hurts me less, a different kind of love, I think. I guess the only way to describe it would be a feeling that I could be with that person forever, that I truly cared about his past and pain, and generally could just take care of him forever because I loved the way I felt around him. Just watching him move intrigued me and made me sincerely happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I I saw such beauty in everything he did and sadness in knowing that he'd never see me that way and that I'd never be able to tell him what I felt when I looked at him. There's 2 hims by the way. It's happened twice. Both times very gradually but very obvious once it hit me. No matter what happens, I feel like I must keep they people in my life in some form because their affect on me is so unique. I wonder if thats more of an infatuation though. If I am to stick to my first theory and believe that love must be mutual, then infatuation or lust is the only answer. Yet somehow thinking about it, it seems like love.
Because I have these contradicting thoughts in my head, I decided to examine the couples around me who supposedly love each other.
Take this couple for example. A girl and her boyfriend have been together for over a year and are in love. About 4 times a week he comes over to her dorm where she proceeds to make him a sandwich, always asking him what he wants on it, and then he sits in her computer chair while she leans over his shoulder and they watch online clips from websites like stupidvideos.com, look up the scores of the sports teams from their high schools, and look at peoples myspace and facebook pictures together. He leaves, never showing any physical contact to her besides maybe a hand on her shoulder. The other three days of the week they go to church groups together, play capture the flag with his brother and eat at meal plan. They plan on staying virgins until they marry each other and have set guidelines to ensure that they are never tempted to go farther than a kiss. They are each others best friend. The girl has informed me that she might want to get married a little sooner than later so that they may knock down those guidelines. This is supposedly love. It makes me want to vomit. Does that mean that I'll never be able to stomach the monotony of love?
Couple two, who we'll call Bob and Sue for their privacy. Bob and Sue have also been together almost a year. Sue cries at least 3 times a week over Bob. Sometimes Sue antagonizes Bob for no reason, but usually Bob makes Sue feel guilty for staying home to do homework or going out with her girl friends. Bob wants Sue to want to be with him 24 hours of the day, so he can decide when he wants to see her. Bob and Sue are also both very jealous people. Bob and Sue have compromised that they are not allowed to go out without each other.Bob is also upset because Sue isn't ready to have sex with him yet. Sue feels pressured and doesn't understand why she isn't ready yet. Bob and Sue spend about 80% of their relationship fighting and crying and about 20% of their relationship making out. They plan on marrying each other. They make it through all this because they are so in love and proclaim that they'd be lost without each other. Watching them makes me want to pull my hair out. Do I not have the patience or passion that love requires?
These people who are in love would tell me that my feeling previously mentioned were just symptoms of a girlish crush.
Now I wonder If I'm ready for love. The love you see in real life, not the kind in the movies. The thought of being settled makes me want to run for the hills. Some would say I'm just scared of love. I don't think so. I'm scared of being boring. I'm scared of giving someone so much control over my emotions. So where does that put me? Why does whats supposed to be the best thing in the world seem like the worst thing in the world to me?
First of all, I don't know if I've ever been in love. When asked I always answer no. I know I've never said it before, but there have been times, looking back, I think I might have felt it. I used to believe that love was a two way thing. That you could only really be in love with someone if they were in love with you back. I'm starting to wonder if thats true. I know I'm not in love right now, but I have had very strong feelings for someone before. They never really went away, they just morphed into something that hurts me less, a different kind of love, I think. I guess the only way to describe it would be a feeling that I could be with that person forever, that I truly cared about his past and pain, and generally could just take care of him forever because I loved the way I felt around him. Just watching him move intrigued me and made me sincerely happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I I saw such beauty in everything he did and sadness in knowing that he'd never see me that way and that I'd never be able to tell him what I felt when I looked at him. There's 2 hims by the way. It's happened twice. Both times very gradually but very obvious once it hit me. No matter what happens, I feel like I must keep they people in my life in some form because their affect on me is so unique. I wonder if thats more of an infatuation though. If I am to stick to my first theory and believe that love must be mutual, then infatuation or lust is the only answer. Yet somehow thinking about it, it seems like love.
Because I have these contradicting thoughts in my head, I decided to examine the couples around me who supposedly love each other.
Take this couple for example. A girl and her boyfriend have been together for over a year and are in love. About 4 times a week he comes over to her dorm where she proceeds to make him a sandwich, always asking him what he wants on it, and then he sits in her computer chair while she leans over his shoulder and they watch online clips from websites like stupidvideos.com, look up the scores of the sports teams from their high schools, and look at peoples myspace and facebook pictures together. He leaves, never showing any physical contact to her besides maybe a hand on her shoulder. The other three days of the week they go to church groups together, play capture the flag with his brother and eat at meal plan. They plan on staying virgins until they marry each other and have set guidelines to ensure that they are never tempted to go farther than a kiss. They are each others best friend. The girl has informed me that she might want to get married a little sooner than later so that they may knock down those guidelines. This is supposedly love. It makes me want to vomit. Does that mean that I'll never be able to stomach the monotony of love?
Couple two, who we'll call Bob and Sue for their privacy. Bob and Sue have also been together almost a year. Sue cries at least 3 times a week over Bob. Sometimes Sue antagonizes Bob for no reason, but usually Bob makes Sue feel guilty for staying home to do homework or going out with her girl friends. Bob wants Sue to want to be with him 24 hours of the day, so he can decide when he wants to see her. Bob and Sue are also both very jealous people. Bob and Sue have compromised that they are not allowed to go out without each other.Bob is also upset because Sue isn't ready to have sex with him yet. Sue feels pressured and doesn't understand why she isn't ready yet. Bob and Sue spend about 80% of their relationship fighting and crying and about 20% of their relationship making out. They plan on marrying each other. They make it through all this because they are so in love and proclaim that they'd be lost without each other. Watching them makes me want to pull my hair out. Do I not have the patience or passion that love requires?
These people who are in love would tell me that my feeling previously mentioned were just symptoms of a girlish crush.
Now I wonder If I'm ready for love. The love you see in real life, not the kind in the movies. The thought of being settled makes me want to run for the hills. Some would say I'm just scared of love. I don't think so. I'm scared of being boring. I'm scared of giving someone so much control over my emotions. So where does that put me? Why does whats supposed to be the best thing in the world seem like the worst thing in the world to me?