we do it all, everything, on our own
On graduation day, I woke up at six in the morning and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. When I finally gave up trying, I pulled on the window shade and looked at the sky for a while outside my dorm room. Blue. Cloudless. Hazy on the horizon, which meant slight humidity. I showered in the dark, blasting music and not bothering with the door. Nobody was on the floor, anyway. I felt detached, a bit distant from everything, and I stayed this way all the way through both ceremonies I attended. One was at nine for Phi Beta Kappa, and the other was the large one for graduates.
I don't even remember much of it other than what I forced myself to be aware of. Those moments are few. Standing in line with the other English majors, people whom I've never before seen. Starting to move, terrified that I will have to see a certain person (as his department lined up right next to ours). Bursting onto the floor very suddenly (how could I not have seen that before when I went downstairs with everyone else to begin with?), and the arena opening up ahead of us. Probably several thousand people, very small people, all clapping and flashing cameras. It was so large, in fact, that their voices were lost in the immensity of the venue, so that it seemed very quiet to me.
Of the ceremony itself, nothing much either. The two and a half or three hours it lasted whirled by me. Since I was seated near the front, once the speakers began calling names, my row was up too soon. And walking across the stage seemed a millisecond, a blink. One moment I am standing with the other English people. Next, I am handing my name card to her on the top of the stairs, at the left wing of the stage. Go ahead, she is suddenly saying, and then I was across the stage. Then it was over. The throngs of people mobbed the exits and milled about the surrounding blocks. My family was somewhere in the fray. I found a couple friends, but nobody I wanted to stop and take pictures with; I found the Boy, hugged him goodbye for right then, and dissolved away in the streams of people. My head hurt.
For now, I will work my crappy part-time job, earn some cash here and there, and go on vacation. I thought about life passing me by as my grandparents drove me back from graduation. I lay in the back of the car feeling sorry for myself and watching the sky slide by. It is strange to think that everything is over, because once more I am waiting through the summer for things to begin again.
I don't even remember much of it other than what I forced myself to be aware of. Those moments are few. Standing in line with the other English majors, people whom I've never before seen. Starting to move, terrified that I will have to see a certain person (as his department lined up right next to ours). Bursting onto the floor very suddenly (how could I not have seen that before when I went downstairs with everyone else to begin with?), and the arena opening up ahead of us. Probably several thousand people, very small people, all clapping and flashing cameras. It was so large, in fact, that their voices were lost in the immensity of the venue, so that it seemed very quiet to me.
Of the ceremony itself, nothing much either. The two and a half or three hours it lasted whirled by me. Since I was seated near the front, once the speakers began calling names, my row was up too soon. And walking across the stage seemed a millisecond, a blink. One moment I am standing with the other English people. Next, I am handing my name card to her on the top of the stairs, at the left wing of the stage. Go ahead, she is suddenly saying, and then I was across the stage. Then it was over. The throngs of people mobbed the exits and milled about the surrounding blocks. My family was somewhere in the fray. I found a couple friends, but nobody I wanted to stop and take pictures with; I found the Boy, hugged him goodbye for right then, and dissolved away in the streams of people. My head hurt.
For now, I will work my crappy part-time job, earn some cash here and there, and go on vacation. I thought about life passing me by as my grandparents drove me back from graduation. I lay in the back of the car feeling sorry for myself and watching the sky slide by. It is strange to think that everything is over, because once more I am waiting through the summer for things to begin again.