(no subject)
For once I am feeling the need to reach out and socialize, so hello (my small corner of the) world!
I think it has finally sunk in that I am officially well off of the expected course for my life, and frankly, I could not be more thrilled. Since Halloween I have been feeling larger and more consistent surges of energy than I have for some time, probably since mid Junior year of MoHo or thereabouts. I really had no idea exactly how miserable I was until now that I am pretty much on the other side of it all. It's not that I do not miss academia and structured learning; quite the opposite, I find myself craving a course of study lately. It seems that I just desperately needed to take some time to know myself as someone who was not a student and start to question what exactly I wanted besides passing classes and earning very expensive pieces of paper (assuming I even really wanted such things in the first place). I don't have many answers yet, but I think I am at least finally beginning to ask myself the right questions.
I am also finding myself seriously re-examining my chosen community(ies). I realized that I have continually fallen into the trap that I did in high school, of focusing my energies on the acceptance of the wrong people, thereby taking those energies away from those whose companionship could prove more rewarding. It feels like I am continually re-enacting the same psychodrama from childhood where that horrible child Christine told me I couldn't join in on her little games because I couldn't have the right kind of pink shoes due to my leg braces. It's like I seek out people that remind me of her and her tiny cohort, and hang around on the outside of the circle begging for head-pats. I hate this pattern, but I'm not entirely sure that I have developed the skills to seek out more healthy social situations. I am able to function socially much better these days than in the past, but I still fail at making the first move toward a social relationship of any kind more deep than "con-buddies" because of my ingrained fear of rejection and feelings of unworthiness. I had to be asleep to kiss Rob the first time and Jessie had to poke me with a tiny knitting needle until I asked him out (both crazy true stories). And if it weren't for roleplaying, I never would have felt comfortable enough to open up to Mike. I feel bad because there are people that I value and want to get to know better, but I don't know how to stay in touch, and from the outside I'm sure it looks like I don't regard them as a priority. In fact, it's usually that I value them too much to function.
On the bright side, I have been making progress, because I am able to acknowledge this, and am slowly forcing myself out of my comfort zone. With any luck, I'll be a functioning member of society yet. ;) So what have all of you been up to?
I think it has finally sunk in that I am officially well off of the expected course for my life, and frankly, I could not be more thrilled. Since Halloween I have been feeling larger and more consistent surges of energy than I have for some time, probably since mid Junior year of MoHo or thereabouts. I really had no idea exactly how miserable I was until now that I am pretty much on the other side of it all. It's not that I do not miss academia and structured learning; quite the opposite, I find myself craving a course of study lately. It seems that I just desperately needed to take some time to know myself as someone who was not a student and start to question what exactly I wanted besides passing classes and earning very expensive pieces of paper (assuming I even really wanted such things in the first place). I don't have many answers yet, but I think I am at least finally beginning to ask myself the right questions.
I am also finding myself seriously re-examining my chosen community(ies). I realized that I have continually fallen into the trap that I did in high school, of focusing my energies on the acceptance of the wrong people, thereby taking those energies away from those whose companionship could prove more rewarding. It feels like I am continually re-enacting the same psychodrama from childhood where that horrible child Christine told me I couldn't join in on her little games because I couldn't have the right kind of pink shoes due to my leg braces. It's like I seek out people that remind me of her and her tiny cohort, and hang around on the outside of the circle begging for head-pats. I hate this pattern, but I'm not entirely sure that I have developed the skills to seek out more healthy social situations. I am able to function socially much better these days than in the past, but I still fail at making the first move toward a social relationship of any kind more deep than "con-buddies" because of my ingrained fear of rejection and feelings of unworthiness. I had to be asleep to kiss Rob the first time and Jessie had to poke me with a tiny knitting needle until I asked him out (both crazy true stories). And if it weren't for roleplaying, I never would have felt comfortable enough to open up to Mike. I feel bad because there are people that I value and want to get to know better, but I don't know how to stay in touch, and from the outside I'm sure it looks like I don't regard them as a priority. In fact, it's usually that I value them too much to function.
On the bright side, I have been making progress, because I am able to acknowledge this, and am slowly forcing myself out of my comfort zone. With any luck, I'll be a functioning member of society yet. ;) So what have all of you been up to?