Someone just give me permission to run away
I know, I know, I'm being bad and posting having still not done my meme posts, but I do promise to eventually do them and quite procrastinating on my procrastinating.
However, for now I really need to share on different matters, and I hope that my friends list will again be patient with my seeming constant negativity on this journal. I swear that not all is always so terrible. At least one thing is going incredibly well, and that is that I am completely and utterly in love, and it feels wonderful to have someone who is such a supportive partner. Rob, you are my sanity, and I do not know what I would do without you.
However, I have to confess that I have not been very well much of the time lately, so much so that I am beginning to feel very much unlike myself. For weeks my mood has been incredibly unstable, I cannot focus on anything for very long, and my sleep schedule has been completely out of whack (see also me being up writing this post when I have an 8:30 class tomorrow). I am prone much more lately to attacks of anxiety (I experienced my first panic attack a couple weeks ago), depressive moods, and crying fits. I wish that I could say that it is simply the many changes of the past year finally catching up to me, and the stress of graduating and anticipating what is to come, but I know that, though these things are certainly factors, they do not make up the whole story, or really even the bulk of it.
What I am really suffering from is abusive friendships. Though struggling consistently with my own emotional state, I am expected to serve as emotional anchor and cheap therapist, leaving me broken and expecting poor Rob to pick up the pieces, which should not be his job, given all that he has gone through recently himself. I am expected to give what little sanity I have left away. My motives and actions are constantly questioned, to the point where I live in a constant state of paranoia. I am expected to be available at all hours of the day, and I am made to feel guilty or am attacked if for some reason I am not. When not useful, I am ignored, and my needs are disregarded. When I make a single misstep (which is inevitable; I'm only human), I am attacked outright, and worse, through cruel passive-aggression that I cannot combat.
What is worse, is that I also have no way of hiding, no safe haven. These people are unfortunately connected to the things which once gave me joy and escape, and so I now have nowhere to run where I can just relax and breathe for a moment. I'm really starting to believe that other friends that have run off and dropped all contact with most people due to extreme stress have had the right idea. I'm feeling trapped, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on all the things that I care about and run away, but I'm beginning to see no other way out. There are no ways to remove these stressors from my life, and I'm just so afraid that anything I ever once liked about myself is slipping away as I am warped into a weak, paranoid, frightened little child version of me whom I do not recognize and do not like in the slightest.
I'm just so sick of feeling sick and scared. I'm tired of calling up Rob almost every night feeling so depressed that I have barely had motivation to leave my bed all day, or shivering all over like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. I'm sick of worrying every time I answer my phone or my door, or open my email or lj. Most of all, I'm sick of knowing that people are saying hurtful things about me, and suggesting I have done things that are untrue, and worrying whether the stories will be believed and I won't have any friends anymore, all because I have chosen to let a few people into my circle that I perhaps shouldn't have.
My world feels like it's falling apart, and I don't know how to keep the pieces together.
However, for now I really need to share on different matters, and I hope that my friends list will again be patient with my seeming constant negativity on this journal. I swear that not all is always so terrible. At least one thing is going incredibly well, and that is that I am completely and utterly in love, and it feels wonderful to have someone who is such a supportive partner. Rob, you are my sanity, and I do not know what I would do without you.
However, I have to confess that I have not been very well much of the time lately, so much so that I am beginning to feel very much unlike myself. For weeks my mood has been incredibly unstable, I cannot focus on anything for very long, and my sleep schedule has been completely out of whack (see also me being up writing this post when I have an 8:30 class tomorrow). I am prone much more lately to attacks of anxiety (I experienced my first panic attack a couple weeks ago), depressive moods, and crying fits. I wish that I could say that it is simply the many changes of the past year finally catching up to me, and the stress of graduating and anticipating what is to come, but I know that, though these things are certainly factors, they do not make up the whole story, or really even the bulk of it.
What I am really suffering from is abusive friendships. Though struggling consistently with my own emotional state, I am expected to serve as emotional anchor and cheap therapist, leaving me broken and expecting poor Rob to pick up the pieces, which should not be his job, given all that he has gone through recently himself. I am expected to give what little sanity I have left away. My motives and actions are constantly questioned, to the point where I live in a constant state of paranoia. I am expected to be available at all hours of the day, and I am made to feel guilty or am attacked if for some reason I am not. When not useful, I am ignored, and my needs are disregarded. When I make a single misstep (which is inevitable; I'm only human), I am attacked outright, and worse, through cruel passive-aggression that I cannot combat.
What is worse, is that I also have no way of hiding, no safe haven. These people are unfortunately connected to the things which once gave me joy and escape, and so I now have nowhere to run where I can just relax and breathe for a moment. I'm really starting to believe that other friends that have run off and dropped all contact with most people due to extreme stress have had the right idea. I'm feeling trapped, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on all the things that I care about and run away, but I'm beginning to see no other way out. There are no ways to remove these stressors from my life, and I'm just so afraid that anything I ever once liked about myself is slipping away as I am warped into a weak, paranoid, frightened little child version of me whom I do not recognize and do not like in the slightest.
I'm just so sick of feeling sick and scared. I'm tired of calling up Rob almost every night feeling so depressed that I have barely had motivation to leave my bed all day, or shivering all over like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. I'm sick of worrying every time I answer my phone or my door, or open my email or lj. Most of all, I'm sick of knowing that people are saying hurtful things about me, and suggesting I have done things that are untrue, and worrying whether the stories will be believed and I won't have any friends anymore, all because I have chosen to let a few people into my circle that I perhaps shouldn't have.
My world feels like it's falling apart, and I don't know how to keep the pieces together.