(no subject)
I wish i could love jon, i really do. He is the impitamy of what i have always wanted. But i cant love him. And its scary because this happens in every relationship i've ever been in. I just cant return their feelings. It's not that i dont like jon, cause i do. He makes me smile, and i miss him when he's not around. But the relationship will fall apart eventually, and it wont last, and if i get attached then i'll just end up getting hurt. I've seen it happen to too many people, and felt it too many times. And i jsut dont want to go through it again. I used to be hopefull about these things. But how do you keep that hope after everything falls apart? How do you trust someone so much? Take that "leap of faith" and know that they wont hurt you. I dont know how. I guess thats what my abstract painting is about- that every good thing will go bad- the black over the warm colors. Call it cynicism, call it whatever. And as much as i dont want to become one of those people who pushes people away, and never lets go of herself, i guess i am. And it scares me because i dont know how to stop it and turn myself in the other direction. And i dont know how people can have so much faith in religion and put themselves in someone elses hands. What do you do when someone dies? How do you still have that much feeling for someone, or something for that sake, when they've hurt you like that? I dont want to sound depressed or anything, cause im really not. I gues its just dangerous when i let myself think about these kidns of things. It's kind of ironic, actually, cause i want to see every sight, smell every smell, taste every taste, and hear every sound. And there's nights when i cant even sleep cause im filled with so much excitement for the time when i get to do these things. But how do i do that if i resist everything?
long paragraph of my thoughts.
rock on to anyone who actually read all that.