(no subject)
Bleaugh... nothing makes sense anymore... it's al knotted up beyond comprehension, I just can't work it out...
There's so much stuff I've done and had done to me over the past few weeks, I've just given up trying to put any logical order to it... total chaos...
I'm sorry if I piss anyone off, my only excuse is "I'm not really thinking straight (if at all) lately"
And yes, I miss her. It feels so weird that only now, months after we stopped seeing each other, I start to remember who it was I 'fell in love' with, and wish I could have another chance... I really f*cked up this time, see how I should have done it differently...
And yes, it hurts.
I don't know what I want anymore from anything or anyone... Various people ask for my support, and I actually don't care... All I can see are times when they've hurt me, or things which are still wrong between them and me, and seen as I'm too much of a coward/pacifist to say anything about it, I jsut get f*cked around again and again, and I certainly don't feel like helping anyone... there is nothing left in me at the minute. Even if I got her back now, I'd be too hurt to enjoy it... I can't even enjoy anything like that, I'm just not working... It's like I'm there, but I get nothing from it... Like my body and that part of my brain has just shut down again... no sensation. Numb...
Sorry, we're all out of love; you want me to reserve you a copy for you when it comes back in stock?
I hate the fact that all the way through she seemed to be afraid of me being some monster who didn't really care, and now that she's left me, I'm becoming just that... it's insane =S
And yes, no matter how much I think my way through it, or choose not to think my way through it, it still makes no sense anymore, and it still hurts.
I can feel myself going all introspective, avoidant, asexual, and generally miserable for a long time. AGAIN... this sucks...
I hate where I am, but I don't know how to be anywhere else...
I hate being misunderstood so much...
I hate feeling like I have to apologise for who I am, or feeling like I have to explain myself, because so many people will get the wrong end of the stick with me...
I hate this honesty that has moved into my existence, it was so much easier when I could say "I'm fine thankyou" and not worry about whether I meant it or not... it was almost like saying that made me fine...
I hate. and that in itself is a bad thing...
All the evil is oozing out of me... I am becoming everything I hate, and still managing to convince myself I'm allright in the process, despite how obviously crap I'm being...
I'm sorry. I'm just going through some changes at the minute, bear with me... =\
***We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties... normal programming will resume shortly***
Wishful thinking? Maybe. Who knows.
There's so much stuff I've done and had done to me over the past few weeks, I've just given up trying to put any logical order to it... total chaos...
I'm sorry if I piss anyone off, my only excuse is "I'm not really thinking straight (if at all) lately"
And yes, I miss her. It feels so weird that only now, months after we stopped seeing each other, I start to remember who it was I 'fell in love' with, and wish I could have another chance... I really f*cked up this time, see how I should have done it differently...
And yes, it hurts.
I don't know what I want anymore from anything or anyone... Various people ask for my support, and I actually don't care... All I can see are times when they've hurt me, or things which are still wrong between them and me, and seen as I'm too much of a coward/pacifist to say anything about it, I jsut get f*cked around again and again, and I certainly don't feel like helping anyone... there is nothing left in me at the minute. Even if I got her back now, I'd be too hurt to enjoy it... I can't even enjoy anything like that, I'm just not working... It's like I'm there, but I get nothing from it... Like my body and that part of my brain has just shut down again... no sensation. Numb...
Sorry, we're all out of love; you want me to reserve you a copy for you when it comes back in stock?
I hate the fact that all the way through she seemed to be afraid of me being some monster who didn't really care, and now that she's left me, I'm becoming just that... it's insane =S
And yes, no matter how much I think my way through it, or choose not to think my way through it, it still makes no sense anymore, and it still hurts.
I can feel myself going all introspective, avoidant, asexual, and generally miserable for a long time. AGAIN... this sucks...
I hate where I am, but I don't know how to be anywhere else...
I hate being misunderstood so much...
I hate feeling like I have to apologise for who I am, or feeling like I have to explain myself, because so many people will get the wrong end of the stick with me...
I hate this honesty that has moved into my existence, it was so much easier when I could say "I'm fine thankyou" and not worry about whether I meant it or not... it was almost like saying that made me fine...
I hate. and that in itself is a bad thing...
All the evil is oozing out of me... I am becoming everything I hate, and still managing to convince myself I'm allright in the process, despite how obviously crap I'm being...
I'm sorry. I'm just going through some changes at the minute, bear with me... =\
***We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties... normal programming will resume shortly***
Wishful thinking? Maybe. Who knows.