Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover (part 14)
“He kissed me.”
“What? Soph, come back here. Who kissed you?”
“Who du think?! He just grabbed me and kissed me. I had no idea what to do. My day hadn’t exactly had the best of starts, and I thought we were gonna be fine but then we had a massive row, screaming and shouting, speaking in tongues, I had no idea what he was trying to say so he thought he would just do it instead. Instead of talking like a normal person, he kisses me right on the lips and I couldn’t exactly get away either, I couldn’t even speak....”
“Well you’re doing enough speaking at the moment Soph, slow down! Take a breath!”
“And that’s another thing an’ all, I think I have actually lost the skill to breath....”
“Breathing isn’t a skill Soph....”
“.... I was having trouble this morning, I was practically heaving, I mean what if I have asthma? What if I like developed it today and everything has just triggered it and made it worse or something?”
“Sophie, you have not got asthma! You just need to learn to calm down, like we did this morning okay?”
Sian grabbed hold of my head like she had before. “Get off, I’ve been held on the head too many times today for my liking!” Sian backed off right away like a child that had just been told off. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just a lots happened today and everything seems to be reminding me of....well....everything really”, I stated more quietly and slowly.
“It’s okay Soph, I understand”, Sian smiled, looking over at me from a distance.
“That’s the second time that’s happened”, I said, lowering my head feeling slightly embarrassed but felt a shy smile creeping on my face.
“Second time what’s happened?” Sian said back just as timid.
“That you’ve umm helped me”, I smiled appreciably.
“Ohh, don’t mention it”, she replied acting like she had no idea what she was on about.
There was a slight pause as we both tried hiding our smiles and giggles. I didn’t know what came over us, we were acting like a pair of school girls who were friends. Me and Sian are not friends. We’re business partners, we’re meant to be professional. I knew this was never gonna work. Too late to go back now, things can’t really go the same now....
I knocked myself out of my thoughts and giggly state as coughed awkwardly.
“So what happened with you and umm Dylan then?” Sian quickly asked, noticing that I was getting slightly uncomfortable.
“Ughr I don’t know”, I sighed. “I dread to think to be honest. I mean, I was just stood there and there was nothing I could do. He went mental. I had no idea he felt this way, I wonder how long it had been going on for or if it was just a sudden thing like lost in the moment and didn’t really mean to do it and just wanted to shut me up”, I started off again, talking rather fast.
“I’m tempted to do that right now if I’m honest”, Sian mumbled.
“What?”
“What? Nothing, what else happened?”
The smile that was there moments ago had positioned itself right in the centre of my face again, trying to hide it desperately, licking my lips in the process before continuing my story of events. “So anyway, I umm....I err....” I had completely lost my way, holding my hand up to my head.
“Okay I’m gonna share something with ya here Soph”, Sian started as she sat down at her kitchen table. I went over slowly and pulled out a chair to sit down myself from across Sian, while keeping my eyes on her the whole time.
“Why don’t I like the sound of this?” I questioned with my eyes slightly widened.
“It’ssss....nothing bad. Well, depending how you’re actually gonna take this”, she breathed out a nervous laugh. “You remember last night when Dylan and I went off together”, she said while playing with her hands. I breathed out a little remembering it well and rolling my eyes. “He told me all about you. And how he felt about you. It all came out. For both of us”, Sian continued, occasionally looking at me from the corner of her eye. I squinted in confusion but signalled her to continue. “He-he told me that he had liked you for a very long time and you didn’t even notice even though he knew you are gay. He told me how he tried to fight it but because you two were such good friends and every moment you spent together his feelings just grew and grew and because you’re gay you thought it would be alright to cuddle up to him and he said that he would rather have that closeness than nothing at all, even if he was living in a fantasy world”, she said bowing her head, feeling sorry for him. I lowered mine as well feeling disappointed in myself. I felt like I had taken advantage of Dylan or something. I breathed in and swallowed hard. “It isn’t your fault Soph, you weren’t to know”, Sian reassured me while stretching out her hand to me.
“After all this time and I didn’t even have a fucking clue”, I began to say, lifting my head up, practically crying.
“Sophie, you were gay, still are, you needed someone who was there for you and Dylan obviously was. He was a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to when you wanted to get away, someone to comfort you....”
All these flash backs of when Dylan and I were hanging out, having fun and laughing came to my head. I tried to pin point a moment that might have indicated where I misread something, anything! I racked my brains and memories but all I could see was two friends having fun like anyone else.
“I obviously didn’t see it like that”, I whispered to myself.
“You weren’t to know, Soph. These things happen all the time where people get mixed up between friendship and love where they think they love someone but they just care for them deeply”, Sian said again with an element of concern and reassurance in her voice.
“That’s what Dylan must want in a relationship though, that’s what he must expect; him and a girl just hanging out having a really great time with each other”, I continued, not really listening to what Sian actually said, looking down at the table and visualising every moment we had together. There were so many, they were merging on top of each other, overlapping and becoming one. All I could see from the concoction was us laughing hysterically and smiling. I held my hands up to my head as it started to become blurry, from everything inside it as well as the tears in my eyes restricting vision. “It all makes sense now, every time I got close to a girl he was always funny about it. I just thought it was cuz he liked them or didn’t wanna lose me. But....whenever I said I didn’t like someone he told me I was in love with them....”, I was thinking out loud.
“Maybe it was to compensate for the times he didn’t say all that”, Sian pitched in almost instantaneously.
“He told you that?”
“Urr, yea, he kinda did”, Sian said sheepishly.
“H-how did you two....umm e-end up....”, I said jaggedly, not really wanting to say anything about it or asking. I was rather scared of the answer.
“I-I don’t actually know to be honest Soph”, Sian started, hesitant.
“It was a drunken one night stand?” I interrupted coldly.
“No, no it was nothing like that. We only had one beer...”
“One beer is that all it takes for you guys?” I interrupted again sarcastically.
“Do you want to hear the explanation Soph or are you gonna make a snide comment after each sentence?” Sian asked rhetorically, using the stern voice that I hadn’t heard for a little while. I crossed my arms and leant back in my chair, looking down at the table. Sian took this as an indication that I had stepped down so took a breath and continued. “We were obviously talking about you....
*FLASHBACK*
“I can’t stand it, I can’t stand her seeing other girls!” Dylan began to stress, pacing back and forth frantically.
“Just calm down, have a drink and sit down!” Sian ordered.
“A drink. That’s a great idea”, Dylan said in a slightly quieter voice but still through gritted teeth. “Want one?”
Sian looked at the beer can considering what the consequence might be but accepted none the less. “Sure why not. Gonna be a long night”, she mumbled.
“I have loved her for a very long time Sian. I keep coming so close to telling her whenever I got an opportunity but then her words keep springing back to mind, like a wall reminding me that she likes girls and that we’re only friends. That’s it; friends. And when Jenna came along....”
“Dylan I had that all the time as a teenager, all these girls were going out with lads and I was just the friend who wanted more. But I knew like you that the girl I liked was into boys. At the time I thought it was the end of the world, like everything seemed to be back then but I had an epiphany; I realised that this is the way I am and nothing is gonna change it. And this is gonna happen many more times in my life and this is just the start. This is something that I have got myself into and it’s not gonna be easy at all but then again nothing is. And that’s life!” Sian explained calmly. It had loosened the mood completely and everything seemed smooth.
“Ya know when she first met you I thought Soph really liked you. I was thinking to myself please just let it be another phase where she gets caught in the moment and thankfully it was. She came in the next day rambling on about someone and she said that she hated that girl on the bus. I was so happy I just started singing. I was so relieved that cuz I knew nothing could possibly happen now I knew I could torment her about it”, Dylan started explaining himself. “As soon as I found out that Jenna was bi I was thinking she’s gonna go after Soph so I tried keeping them away and didn’t really speak very highly of her. But she is such a lovely person Sian, and this....and my jealously was starting to become between us all. Soph and I started fighting and I was getting frustrated cuz I knew nothing was gonna happen and I couldn’t do anything about it”, Dylan continued as he started to weep.
“Its okay, just let it out”, Sian said comforting but inside she was screaming STOP STOP! Man up and get over it! This is so cringey to see a man crying! but knew that she would be exactly the same.
“But then I met you for myself and you really reminded me of her. I wanted to get to know you more and see if I had a chance with you myself. I knew that if Soph really hated you then I could have a go and maybe get her to like you if I was the one who gave you the benefit of the doubt. You were my second chance Sian”, Dylan said, looking up at Sian and into her eyes, while the sobbing had silenced. They looked at each other’s lips and instantly went in.
*END OF FLASHBACK*