more bitching and moaning
I've taken a step forward, in a way. I've forbidden myself from emailing my girls any more ramblings about this annoying and idiotic matter. So, I'll do it via livejournal.
It's a process.
Actually, no, there was no magic connection. It was one sided. His. I thought he was off his nut. There was no way he was in love with me. He didn't even know me. I became his girlfriend because I liked him fine and that seemed to be something that he wanted and it made sense to be the girlfriend of the person giving me a place to live.
Did I believe that there was a once in a lifetime connection? Absolutely not. We got into a fight early on in the relationship because I questioned him about the way he and his friend G behaved together and he admitted he loved his friend G. Well if that were true, what the fuck was he doing with me? He should be with her! Whatever. I was ready to pack up and leave and never return because, come on, now people. what the hell? He begged me to try to understand that it was entirely possible to love two people at the same time. Now get this, sisterhood. I accepted that line of reasoning and stayed, only because I still loved an ex of mine, Fred. Fred was currently with someone and the timing was wrong. (In fact, after I had become Jason's roommate and the relationship had not yet been identified as romantic, I got a call from Fred. Fred had just turned single. You betcha, I ran to him after the call, spent the night with him, and not just sleeping. After the romantic relationship between Jason and me was established, I stopped seeing Fred altogether, because I don't do the cheating thing. I also understood that having "love" feelings isn't enough to hold a relationship together. Fred and I would never get anywhere no matter how much I felt like I loved him.) I figured, stay. I got me a roof over my head now. He's a nut, but tolerable, and he seems to really like me.
3-4 years pass. I remember an instance where he was talking casually about relationships, then mentioned how he had fallen in love with me. My honest response was, "you're in love with me?" He thought I was kidding to ask him. But I really didn't know. Maybe because so much time had passed and I had forgotten, or because so much time had passed and he's still around, still enjoying my company, still being with me and only me. It was then, after all those years of being the girlfriend, that I started opening my heart to him and decided to trust that he did love me.
At our five year anniversary, I told him that he had better let me know where I stand with him. If I'm just a bump on his road, let me know so I can move on. His response was a marriage proposal. Now, I needed proof that he loved me, and the proposal was my proof. I reasoned, he wouldn't propose if he didn't really love me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and only me.
So it boils down to, I took a chance to trust someone and let him into my heart. I loved him. I loved him. He, on the other hand, was "in love" and it never went past that and he never will because he's only interested in feeling "in love." Scientific evidence shows that being "in love" only lasts for so long, about 3 years.
He has never known real love and he never will. He doesn't acknowledge his part in the affair and believes he had no choice. Neither of them take responsibility for their actions. Neither of them believe what they did was wrong.
May they be set in their convictions.
It's a process.
Actually, no, there was no magic connection. It was one sided. His. I thought he was off his nut. There was no way he was in love with me. He didn't even know me. I became his girlfriend because I liked him fine and that seemed to be something that he wanted and it made sense to be the girlfriend of the person giving me a place to live.
Did I believe that there was a once in a lifetime connection? Absolutely not. We got into a fight early on in the relationship because I questioned him about the way he and his friend G behaved together and he admitted he loved his friend G. Well if that were true, what the fuck was he doing with me? He should be with her! Whatever. I was ready to pack up and leave and never return because, come on, now people. what the hell? He begged me to try to understand that it was entirely possible to love two people at the same time. Now get this, sisterhood. I accepted that line of reasoning and stayed, only because I still loved an ex of mine, Fred. Fred was currently with someone and the timing was wrong. (In fact, after I had become Jason's roommate and the relationship had not yet been identified as romantic, I got a call from Fred. Fred had just turned single. You betcha, I ran to him after the call, spent the night with him, and not just sleeping. After the romantic relationship between Jason and me was established, I stopped seeing Fred altogether, because I don't do the cheating thing. I also understood that having "love" feelings isn't enough to hold a relationship together. Fred and I would never get anywhere no matter how much I felt like I loved him.) I figured, stay. I got me a roof over my head now. He's a nut, but tolerable, and he seems to really like me.
3-4 years pass. I remember an instance where he was talking casually about relationships, then mentioned how he had fallen in love with me. My honest response was, "you're in love with me?" He thought I was kidding to ask him. But I really didn't know. Maybe because so much time had passed and I had forgotten, or because so much time had passed and he's still around, still enjoying my company, still being with me and only me. It was then, after all those years of being the girlfriend, that I started opening my heart to him and decided to trust that he did love me.
At our five year anniversary, I told him that he had better let me know where I stand with him. If I'm just a bump on his road, let me know so I can move on. His response was a marriage proposal. Now, I needed proof that he loved me, and the proposal was my proof. I reasoned, he wouldn't propose if he didn't really love me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and only me.
So it boils down to, I took a chance to trust someone and let him into my heart. I loved him. I loved him. He, on the other hand, was "in love" and it never went past that and he never will because he's only interested in feeling "in love." Scientific evidence shows that being "in love" only lasts for so long, about 3 years.
He has never known real love and he never will. He doesn't acknowledge his part in the affair and believes he had no choice. Neither of them take responsibility for their actions. Neither of them believe what they did was wrong.
May they be set in their convictions.