Almost Decided to Abort this Journal
That's right, I searched (probably not as much as I could have) for a way to close out this account. It has gone too long without an update, and I feel it's unnecessary to put my crappy feelings online anymore. However, I started reading back, seeing if there was anything anywhere in here that is worth keeping, and well, I found quite a few items worth reliving. So I have decided that I'll keep it on here until LIVEJOURNAL is no more (if there ever is such a day).
Mostly I just got really sad, that I've done so much and only a few of the things typed about really mattered. At the time of entry they all seemed to mean so much, yet looking back, only a few brought up any real emotions. I should say most of them were about John, however, there were a few that surprised me to the point of shock. Who knew my car breaking down would bring back such a feeling of adventure, for example.
So I am now going to update. It has been a very, very long time, and I'm sure I'll forget to put some items in, whether purposefully or not.
1. Brandon and I are "seriously" dating. So he told his mother. Lately it's been me hanging out with him and his family. We all got together and watched The Legend of Zorro, most recently. It's been great. I love it. I get a giddy feeling everytime he calls, or invites me to do whatever, it doesn't matter. But after going back over these journals, I find myself wondering if I like/love him more than John? Maybe differently? I don't know. Perhaps I should ditch the journal, because memories are meant to fade right? Re-reading them only makes a current situation more difficult to analyze right? I'm not moving forward. I don't know.
2. No real job yet, I with the assistance of my dad, have made a decision not to look seriously until after Thanksgiving. We have to go see mom in Alabama. Makes sense, but I'm so bored. It turns out I don't want to do anything career-ish ever. Some small job, making good enough money, it won't matter. It's odd how my plans have changed so much since end of high school.
3. Basically all I do in a day is watch movies, and clean house. It's insane. I'm so bored. I need work. But I love not working too. I suppose 3 months off isn't too crazy is it? I mean from school? Three months isn't too long is it? I don't know. I feel like it is for sure, but really three months is nothing. Oh well.
4. I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to Chad since that illustrious killer phone call after the Best Buy incident. I feel terrible, but it's just too much to wrap my head around. So that relationship has gone to crap, because of my own laziness, and lack of attention. I was wrong to let it go so far/long. But I really don't know what else to do. I feel he's angry with me for ruining something he was trying to help me with in the first place. It's just it was way too soon. It would never have worked, I just got out before I completely burnt out. Driving myself slowly insane in that same dull mundane environment I had just spent the last 3 years in, would have killed my soul. I don't know. I'm a terrible person. I know.
5. I'm stuck/lost. I do know that much, but really in the end, that isn't much.
Mostly I just got really sad, that I've done so much and only a few of the things typed about really mattered. At the time of entry they all seemed to mean so much, yet looking back, only a few brought up any real emotions. I should say most of them were about John, however, there were a few that surprised me to the point of shock. Who knew my car breaking down would bring back such a feeling of adventure, for example.
So I am now going to update. It has been a very, very long time, and I'm sure I'll forget to put some items in, whether purposefully or not.
1. Brandon and I are "seriously" dating. So he told his mother. Lately it's been me hanging out with him and his family. We all got together and watched The Legend of Zorro, most recently. It's been great. I love it. I get a giddy feeling everytime he calls, or invites me to do whatever, it doesn't matter. But after going back over these journals, I find myself wondering if I like/love him more than John? Maybe differently? I don't know. Perhaps I should ditch the journal, because memories are meant to fade right? Re-reading them only makes a current situation more difficult to analyze right? I'm not moving forward. I don't know.
2. No real job yet, I with the assistance of my dad, have made a decision not to look seriously until after Thanksgiving. We have to go see mom in Alabama. Makes sense, but I'm so bored. It turns out I don't want to do anything career-ish ever. Some small job, making good enough money, it won't matter. It's odd how my plans have changed so much since end of high school.
3. Basically all I do in a day is watch movies, and clean house. It's insane. I'm so bored. I need work. But I love not working too. I suppose 3 months off isn't too crazy is it? I mean from school? Three months isn't too long is it? I don't know. I feel like it is for sure, but really three months is nothing. Oh well.
4. I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to Chad since that illustrious killer phone call after the Best Buy incident. I feel terrible, but it's just too much to wrap my head around. So that relationship has gone to crap, because of my own laziness, and lack of attention. I was wrong to let it go so far/long. But I really don't know what else to do. I feel he's angry with me for ruining something he was trying to help me with in the first place. It's just it was way too soon. It would never have worked, I just got out before I completely burnt out. Driving myself slowly insane in that same dull mundane environment I had just spent the last 3 years in, would have killed my soul. I don't know. I'm a terrible person. I know.
5. I'm stuck/lost. I do know that much, but really in the end, that isn't much.