Not really knowing what....
I didn't say a word to anyone at work today. I don't really know why. I had this urge to cry but just was quite. I stood there and looked sright ahead wondering if any one would notice. I know Trisha did. She tried to get me to laugh. It didn't work. I just turned my head and went on with my job acting like no one was there.
I took the order, gave them their drinks and took their money. Did what everyone asked me to do without a hint of emotion and just got it done to the best of my ability. I remember being like this in High school...what was it called..Ahhh...depression!
I guess not being able to see Jon everyday is really starting to take it's toll on me...I'm just about to say fuck off to everyone and forget my massage dream, forget my job, forget my family. It's not like we act like a family anyway. Dad bitches all the time. It's always something! Kenneth never does anyhting around the house, I mean...NOTHING. Seriously. I can't do this...
And whats worse is that I really honest to god miss Heather...I really miss her. And if i move..omg...the thought of not having her in my life every day either is horrifing. I know she's off to college to get her life rolling and everything she wants in life. And well..i'm giving up. I think I'm going to be a bad role modle for for my kids. I'm going to have to have them look up to heather for anyhting if they want a future.
Heather and I have already talked about it. But I still think that I'm kinda a failur at life so far. I mean...what do I have show? My Dad is an ass. Calls me a bitch and a child. I'm stick of being degraded. But still I can't help but think...is he right? I think everyone is just humoring my in one form or another.
I don't know what else to write about.. I'm really kinda reading this back to myself as I write it and it seems kinda pathetic...Whatever...I'm just going have a nice good cry on my pillow...Maybe i'll call Jon back like I promised. Maybe not. I don't really think it matters at this point. *shrug*
Whatever...bye bye.