Demons
I guess this makes me the last one to write. The last one to find enough composure to put it into words. I tried last night, but the pain was overwhelming, and I cried instead.
It seems that now that's all I'm good for... crying.
I stayed home from school today, away from the noise and the smiles, the false conversation and small talk. Because we all know it's there, no matter how we hide it. It is now the dark spot on everyone's mind and in those quiet little moments when we run out of words, the panic tiptoes back into my heart.
Yesterday was a garish nightmare of words and pictures and screaming laughter.
It began with three phone calls, each a little more strange and heartbreaking. Then my mother, at once angry and blameing and comforting. School, a stage I stumbled through and tried to recall the part I play. The hospital, where I realized all over again the truth of love and pain.
And now, what's left? When all's broken and rotting, what's left but the truth. Because I love him, plain and simple. In a world where love is a weakness and rarely felt, much less admitted, I love him. He makes me sane and hopefull and more beautiful than I've felt in so long. And now this.
What am I supposed to think?... oh that's simple enough. I should think that this isn't my fault and we're better off knowing now with a near-miss and most important, everything's going to be okay. Well fuck that. If he were here beside me, maybe I could think those things. Only he's not, he's locked away from me and us and every life he touched to make more beautiful. So fuck that.
I'll say what I feel and not what I think and maybe ease the heartache.
Apparently love is not enough. Love, yeah, I love him, and I believe he loves me. only that isn't enough. I wasn't enough to make him want to stay here. I wasn't beautiful enough to hide the ugly in the world and I wasn't smart enough to see him slipping away. Plane and simple. That's the thing I'm thinking when all the world is quiet. Because it's my fault. I'm the one he left to do it. And Tyler is the one he called to stop it. I wasn't enough to make him stay. Simple. That's now my demon to bare.
Blake, I love you. Everyone, I love you.
It seems that now that's all I'm good for... crying.
I stayed home from school today, away from the noise and the smiles, the false conversation and small talk. Because we all know it's there, no matter how we hide it. It is now the dark spot on everyone's mind and in those quiet little moments when we run out of words, the panic tiptoes back into my heart.
Yesterday was a garish nightmare of words and pictures and screaming laughter.
It began with three phone calls, each a little more strange and heartbreaking. Then my mother, at once angry and blameing and comforting. School, a stage I stumbled through and tried to recall the part I play. The hospital, where I realized all over again the truth of love and pain.
And now, what's left? When all's broken and rotting, what's left but the truth. Because I love him, plain and simple. In a world where love is a weakness and rarely felt, much less admitted, I love him. He makes me sane and hopefull and more beautiful than I've felt in so long. And now this.
What am I supposed to think?... oh that's simple enough. I should think that this isn't my fault and we're better off knowing now with a near-miss and most important, everything's going to be okay. Well fuck that. If he were here beside me, maybe I could think those things. Only he's not, he's locked away from me and us and every life he touched to make more beautiful. So fuck that.
I'll say what I feel and not what I think and maybe ease the heartache.
Apparently love is not enough. Love, yeah, I love him, and I believe he loves me. only that isn't enough. I wasn't enough to make him want to stay here. I wasn't beautiful enough to hide the ugly in the world and I wasn't smart enough to see him slipping away. Plane and simple. That's the thing I'm thinking when all the world is quiet. Because it's my fault. I'm the one he left to do it. And Tyler is the one he called to stop it. I wasn't enough to make him stay. Simple. That's now my demon to bare.
Blake, I love you. Everyone, I love you.