days like bleeding.
What a fucker of a day.
The kind you can't wait to sleep off, then just screws you by sticking you with narc. GGGreat.
So, I wrecked my car. Thank you fate (and my shit driving skills). Course it's just one more proof for my family on how I will never amount to anything and how irresponsible I am. It's not that bad, one shit tire and some re-shit front right end. Whatever.
I have been through more emotions today than I ever want to experience. It's left my eyes stinging in the darkness and my ears ringing in the silence, and a big fucking bruise on the side of my head (yeah, my fault).
School was... ugh, school. Need I say more?
Then I went to my eversoimportant councilor. She proceeds to make me talk about everything I work so hard at ignoring. Then tells me that I let my mother and the rest of my family walk all over me, and that I should set boundaries in my relationships because I give too much of myself. I don't know about all that...
Went back to my Momita's where she weasels me into eating dinner with her, and within the next hour slips every degrading and hurtful thing she can under my skin. The kind of conversation where she says "so-and-so's daughter did such-and-such amazing and wonderful thing" or "teenagers are so selfish and rude and immoral these days" or "are you sure you want to finish eating that" Gotta love that woman, I mean she is masterful at slipping those things in.
So now my will is broken and whimpering in the corner.
I called my mother to tell her that I was going to go to the play tonight b4 I got home. Which leads her into her favorite rant about how my life is going to shit and I am shit and I don't care. Somehow my going to the play would be irresponsible and is the perfect example of how I'm ruining my life and my talent.
So now I am broken and whimpering in the corner.
That was about all I could take for one day, so begin to cry my fucking eyes out.
Momita, assuming that my mother didn't do enough to crush my spirit, comes in and explains to me that I need to understand where my mother is coming from... Because I am untrustworthy and a lier and ruining my life and making bad choices and acting childish and most of all I am being utterly selfish by thinking I am the only one with problems.
So now I run.
Making quick excuses I leave as quick as I can. I made it to the end of the driveway before I started crying again. GGGreat. I pretty much cried the entire way home. funfunfun.
Through all of this I was trying to get in touch with Blake, thinking maybe if I had at least a little uplifting I could cope. But, he was at the movies.. which was prolly a good thing, cause I hate for others to see/hear me cry.
When my mom and step got home my step asks how the play was. (Ha fucking haha, he was just being an ass.) And my mother never fucking mentions how she bitched me out not and hour before that. In fact, she just pours herself a drink and compliments my drawing. amazing. We were on great terms when I went to bed, although she did decide to analyze my problems and promptly blame them all on my father having too high expectations for me.
Then Blake called to tell me that he was spending the night at Tyler's and wasn't going to smoke because the commitment was more important. (I told him to do what made him happy, knowing that was smoking) He says he won't. (I know he will) He calls back in record time to tell me he will. (amazing) seeing as my entire body is now throbbing with the effort of emotion, I'll deal with the implications of that tomorrow.
what a fucker of a day.
Ever spin and spin and spin then fall on the floor to look up and watch the world spin? Which was scarier... Spinning fast out of control while the world stands still or watching the world spin fast out of control while you stand still?
Time and emotion twist the night far longer than hours, and the demons dance. Breathe in the chaos, take your time to give in. You'll always loose.
The kind you can't wait to sleep off, then just screws you by sticking you with narc. GGGreat.
So, I wrecked my car. Thank you fate (and my shit driving skills). Course it's just one more proof for my family on how I will never amount to anything and how irresponsible I am. It's not that bad, one shit tire and some re-shit front right end. Whatever.
I have been through more emotions today than I ever want to experience. It's left my eyes stinging in the darkness and my ears ringing in the silence, and a big fucking bruise on the side of my head (yeah, my fault).
School was... ugh, school. Need I say more?
Then I went to my eversoimportant councilor. She proceeds to make me talk about everything I work so hard at ignoring. Then tells me that I let my mother and the rest of my family walk all over me, and that I should set boundaries in my relationships because I give too much of myself. I don't know about all that...
Went back to my Momita's where she weasels me into eating dinner with her, and within the next hour slips every degrading and hurtful thing she can under my skin. The kind of conversation where she says "so-and-so's daughter did such-and-such amazing and wonderful thing" or "teenagers are so selfish and rude and immoral these days" or "are you sure you want to finish eating that" Gotta love that woman, I mean she is masterful at slipping those things in.
So now my will is broken and whimpering in the corner.
I called my mother to tell her that I was going to go to the play tonight b4 I got home. Which leads her into her favorite rant about how my life is going to shit and I am shit and I don't care. Somehow my going to the play would be irresponsible and is the perfect example of how I'm ruining my life and my talent.
So now I am broken and whimpering in the corner.
That was about all I could take for one day, so begin to cry my fucking eyes out.
Momita, assuming that my mother didn't do enough to crush my spirit, comes in and explains to me that I need to understand where my mother is coming from... Because I am untrustworthy and a lier and ruining my life and making bad choices and acting childish and most of all I am being utterly selfish by thinking I am the only one with problems.
So now I run.
Making quick excuses I leave as quick as I can. I made it to the end of the driveway before I started crying again. GGGreat. I pretty much cried the entire way home. funfunfun.
Through all of this I was trying to get in touch with Blake, thinking maybe if I had at least a little uplifting I could cope. But, he was at the movies.. which was prolly a good thing, cause I hate for others to see/hear me cry.
When my mom and step got home my step asks how the play was. (Ha fucking haha, he was just being an ass.) And my mother never fucking mentions how she bitched me out not and hour before that. In fact, she just pours herself a drink and compliments my drawing. amazing. We were on great terms when I went to bed, although she did decide to analyze my problems and promptly blame them all on my father having too high expectations for me.
Then Blake called to tell me that he was spending the night at Tyler's and wasn't going to smoke because the commitment was more important. (I told him to do what made him happy, knowing that was smoking) He says he won't. (I know he will) He calls back in record time to tell me he will. (amazing) seeing as my entire body is now throbbing with the effort of emotion, I'll deal with the implications of that tomorrow.
what a fucker of a day.
Ever spin and spin and spin then fall on the floor to look up and watch the world spin? Which was scarier... Spinning fast out of control while the world stands still or watching the world spin fast out of control while you stand still?
Time and emotion twist the night far longer than hours, and the demons dance. Breathe in the chaos, take your time to give in. You'll always loose.