Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur
Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur
Despite my dread of this book (two! Two volumes!), it's actually turned out to be quite fun, in that omgwtf? kind of way. Let me illustrate in this handy summary of the first two chapters. (Bonus game: Spot the plagiarism!) (Also, many thanks to dzurlady, who betaed this for me.)
Book I, Chapter I
Uther Pendragon: is king of all Briton
Uther, King of all Briton, & the Duke of Tintagel: are at war
Igraine, Duchess of Tintagel: is smart, and also totally hot
Uther: "Hey, Dukey! Why don't you come visit, bring your wife?"
Duke & Duchess: *visit*
Uther: Hey, she is totally hot!
Uther: *cracks onto the Duchess*
Duchess: "omg I am already married! No!"
Duchess: *goes to the Duke* "Dearest? The King only sent for us so he could sleep with me. Let's make like a tree and leave, k?"
Duke and Duchess: *sneak off*
Uther: ::is pissed::
Uther: "Hey, Duke & Duchess! Come back right now, or else!"
Duke: "Uh uh! No way!"
Uther: "Well, if that's the way you want it: in forty days, I'm totally coming after you!"
Duke: "Well, fuck."
Duke: *prepares two castles for siege*
Duke: *holes up in Castle Terrabil*
Duchess: *holes up in Castle Tintagel*
Uther: "Ready or not, here I come!"
Uther & Great Host: *besiege Castle Terrabil*
War: *happens*
Many people: *snuff it*
Uther: *is so angry and busy pining for the Duchess that he makes himself sick*
Sir Ulfius: "Yo, Uther! What's with you being sick?"
Uther: "Well, since you asked - it's the Duchess. I just love her so much, and she won't sleep with me..."
Sir Ulfius: "No worries! I'll just go get Merlin. He'll sort it out."
Sir Ulfius: *finds Merlin*
Merlin: "Yeah, I'll sort it out - provided Uther helps me out. I scratch his back, he scratches mine, dig?"
Sir Ulfius: "Dig."
Chapter I: *ends*
Book I, Chapter II
Summary: *spoils the reader liek woah*
Gentle Reader: Hey! Cut tag next time!
Chapter II: *commences*
Sir Ulfius: "Found him!"
Sound effects: ::crickets::
Uther: "So... where is he?"
Sir Ulfius: "Coming shortly."
Merlin: *rocks up*
Merlin: "You help me, I help you. Promise?"
Uther: *pinky swears*
Merlin: "Great! Now, you're going to sleep with the Duchess tonight and knock her up. When she gives birth, I want the child."
Uther: "Sure!"
Merlin: "Cool. Now, we're all going to pretend to be other people. Uther, you'll pretend to be the Duke; Ulfius, you'll pretend to be Sir Brastias, a knight of the Duke; and I'm going to be Sir Jordans, a knight of a knight of the Duke's cousin's next-door neighbour's cat. Uther, don't talk to the Duke's men - tell them you're diseased."1
Gentle Reader: "Oh, come on! Like that's going to work."
Merlin: "It so will! You just watch. Now, let's head off to Tintagel."
Uther & Very Small Host: *depart*
Duke: "Oooh, the King's nicked off. Charge!"
Duke: *snuffs it*
(Some time later)
Uther: *sneaks into castle*
Gentle Reader: Wow, it really did work.
Merlin: ::smug::
Sound track: ::bow chika wow wow::
Uther: *gets it on with the Duchess*
(Next morning)
Merlin: "Uther! Get your lazy ass out of bed and come on!"
Uther: *nicks off*
(Some time later again)
Messenger: "Uh, lady? So sorry, but your husband's now pining for the fjords."
Duchess: Wait - so if he died last night, who kissed me goodbye this morning?
Duchess: *shrugs*
Duchess: *says nothing about the random pseudo Duke who she had sex with*
Duchess: *mourns*
All the barons: "Hey, Uther! How about a peace accord between you and the Duchess?"
Uther: "Yeah, alright."
Sir Ulfuis: "Hmm, the Duchess's a widow now. You know what would be totally awesome? If Uther married her!"
Uther: *like a lusty knight, assents thereto with good will*
Uther & the Duchess: *get hitched*
Uther: Hey, why don't you lot tie the knot too?"
King Lot, of Lothian and of Orkney, & Margawse, who is Gawain's mother: *get hitched*
King Nentres, of the land of Garlot, & Elaine: *get hitched*
The third sister Morgan le Fay: *goes to school in a nunnery*
Gentle Reader: Wait, third sister of who? Where did all the sisters come from?
Morgan le Fay: *becomes a great clerk of necromancy*
Gentle Reader: wtf?
Morgan le Fay, & King Uriens, of the Land of Gore, who is Sir Uwain le Blanchemains' dad: *get hitched*
Gentle Reader: Does he know she sees dead people?
Chapter II: *ends*
This summary: *does likewise*
1 Tired.
Despite my dread of this book (two! Two volumes!), it's actually turned out to be quite fun, in that omgwtf? kind of way. Let me illustrate in this handy summary of the first two chapters. (Bonus game: Spot the plagiarism!) (Also, many thanks to dzurlady, who betaed this for me.)
Book I, Chapter I
Uther Pendragon: is king of all Briton
Uther, King of all Briton, & the Duke of Tintagel: are at war
Igraine, Duchess of Tintagel: is smart, and also totally hot
Uther: "Hey, Dukey! Why don't you come visit, bring your wife?"
Duke & Duchess: *visit*
Uther: Hey, she is totally hot!
Uther: *cracks onto the Duchess*
Duchess: "omg I am already married! No!"
Duchess: *goes to the Duke* "Dearest? The King only sent for us so he could sleep with me. Let's make like a tree and leave, k?"
Duke and Duchess: *sneak off*
Uther: ::is pissed::
Uther: "Hey, Duke & Duchess! Come back right now, or else!"
Duke: "Uh uh! No way!"
Uther: "Well, if that's the way you want it: in forty days, I'm totally coming after you!"
Duke: "Well, fuck."
Duke: *prepares two castles for siege*
Duke: *holes up in Castle Terrabil*
Duchess: *holes up in Castle Tintagel*
Uther: "Ready or not, here I come!"
Uther & Great Host: *besiege Castle Terrabil*
War: *happens*
Many people: *snuff it*
Uther: *is so angry and busy pining for the Duchess that he makes himself sick*
Sir Ulfius: "Yo, Uther! What's with you being sick?"
Uther: "Well, since you asked - it's the Duchess. I just love her so much, and she won't sleep with me..."
Sir Ulfius: "No worries! I'll just go get Merlin. He'll sort it out."
Sir Ulfius: *finds Merlin*
Merlin: "Yeah, I'll sort it out - provided Uther helps me out. I scratch his back, he scratches mine, dig?"
Sir Ulfius: "Dig."
Chapter I: *ends*
Book I, Chapter II
Summary: *spoils the reader liek woah*
Gentle Reader: Hey! Cut tag next time!
Chapter II: *commences*
Sir Ulfius: "Found him!"
Sound effects: ::crickets::
Uther: "So... where is he?"
Sir Ulfius: "Coming shortly."
Merlin: *rocks up*
Merlin: "You help me, I help you. Promise?"
Uther: *pinky swears*
Merlin: "Great! Now, you're going to sleep with the Duchess tonight and knock her up. When she gives birth, I want the child."
Uther: "Sure!"
Merlin: "Cool. Now, we're all going to pretend to be other people. Uther, you'll pretend to be the Duke; Ulfius, you'll pretend to be Sir Brastias, a knight of the Duke; and I'm going to be Sir Jordans, a knight of a knight of the Duke's cousin's next-door neighbour's cat. Uther, don't talk to the Duke's men - tell them you're diseased."1
Gentle Reader: "Oh, come on! Like that's going to work."
Merlin: "It so will! You just watch. Now, let's head off to Tintagel."
Uther & Very Small Host: *depart*
Duke: "Oooh, the King's nicked off. Charge!"
Duke: *snuffs it*
(Some time later)
Uther: *sneaks into castle*
Gentle Reader: Wow, it really did work.
Merlin: ::smug::
Sound track: ::bow chika wow wow::
Uther: *gets it on with the Duchess*
(Next morning)
Merlin: "Uther! Get your lazy ass out of bed and come on!"
Uther: *nicks off*
(Some time later again)
Messenger: "Uh, lady? So sorry, but your husband's now pining for the fjords."
Duchess: Wait - so if he died last night, who kissed me goodbye this morning?
Duchess: *shrugs*
Duchess: *says nothing about the random pseudo Duke who she had sex with*
Duchess: *mourns*
All the barons: "Hey, Uther! How about a peace accord between you and the Duchess?"
Uther: "Yeah, alright."
Sir Ulfuis: "Hmm, the Duchess's a widow now. You know what would be totally awesome? If Uther married her!"
Uther: *like a lusty knight, assents thereto with good will*
Uther & the Duchess: *get hitched*
Uther: Hey, why don't you lot tie the knot too?"
King Lot, of Lothian and of Orkney, & Margawse, who is Gawain's mother: *get hitched*
King Nentres, of the land of Garlot, & Elaine: *get hitched*
The third sister Morgan le Fay: *goes to school in a nunnery*
Gentle Reader: Wait, third sister of who? Where did all the sisters come from?
Morgan le Fay: *becomes a great clerk of necromancy*
Gentle Reader: wtf?
Morgan le Fay, & King Uriens, of the Land of Gore, who is Sir Uwain le Blanchemains' dad: *get hitched*
Gentle Reader: Does he know she sees dead people?
Chapter II: *ends*
This summary: *does likewise*
1 Tired.