(no subject)
It's been a while since I last wrote in here! Things have been going pretty well, happy to say! I've mostly been busy with work and then hanging out with friends when I can, it's been really nice :) Had a couple of scares with my grandma being in the hospital for over a week, and then what I thought was a reoccurance of that cyst I had a few years ago. Both things turned out ok though :)
We're about to head into wedding season at work, and I am not looking forward to that at alllllllllllll. I hate shooting weddings. They're long and stressful and mean that I will pretty much have no social life this summer since all my friends have saturdays off and I'll be stuck shooting the receptions at night.
Here's something crazy....I think I might be starting to fall for Aaron....I honestly didn't think that would start to happen, I didn't want it to happen. But some time back in the end of february or something, there was a weekend where we were all hanging out, but he didn't come because he was sick. And I missed him. I wasn't sure why I missed him or maybe if I just missed the attention he was giving me or what, so I tried to write it off as no big deal, it confused me. So we'd continue to hang out with everyone, and sometimes talk on the phone. But we'd always end up talking for literally about 2-3 hours every time, and it was always a lot of fun. Well maybe about a month, month and a half ago, he was confused about what was going through my head about him, so he asked me about it, and I'm glad he did because he has every right to know. He kind of wanted a black and white answer too which bothered me at the time, he wanted to know if we should just stay friends or start something more. I told him straight up that I am very attracted to him and that I could see myself starting to like him, but that I couldn't give him a defnite answer that he wanted b/c I'm kind of in the middle. I'm not ready to start dating him and call it a relationship, but at the same time I don't want to close the door on something that could potentially be a really good thing. Aaron and I have a lot in common, especially when it comes to some really important issues. So I told him that and he understood, and basically we agreed to keep getting to know each other and also spend some time one on one, which was something else I had pointed out. We had never spent time just the two of us, so what if we really didn't get along that well when we were by ourselves, and that maybe we should try that sometime to see. I told him I didn't want to call it a date because that would freak me out and I'm not ready to actually date. So we're calling it a "you and me hangout" lol.
So a few weeks after that, at the beginning of the month, we hung out just the two of us. And it ended up being so much fun! He ended up coming to Medina b/c he wanted to see where I've kind of grown up. It was so weird though, I was soooo nervous before he came. I was never even that nervous when Don and I first started getting to know each other, so I don't know why I was so nervous this time. But we had so much fun. We went and got dinner and just talked for a while, then I gave him a tour of the city (which is not that big haha) and he was so excited about it and what we have around here. Then we went and got milk shakes and french fries at mcdonald's and just sat in the car and talked, it was really fun :) And then we came back to my house and went for a walk on the trails and golf course that's behind it. It was nice, I had a great time!
So since then we've been talking on the phone and hanging out with our friends, and I just feel like I'm getting a whole lot more comfortable around him and like we're getting to know each other a whole lot better. 2 weeks ago he ended up randomly coming to the studio to say hi really quick, it was a cute little surprise. Last week was really nice though. My bosses were out of town, so he came to visit me and have lunch with me, and he ended up packing this whole picnic lunch with a cute little picnic basket and a table and everything. It was really cute! Friday we all went out again and had some dinner. On the way back to my friend's apartment, I rode with Aaron and he likes country music and had some on in the car, and I was saying how I wasn't a big country fan. Except that I loved this one country song back in high school, I couldn't remember what it was but he helped me figure out that it was "Amazed" by Lonestar. I said that I always loved it and they would alwyas play it at the school dances but I never had anyone to dance with lol. So we're all back at their apartment and yeah we had a few drinks lol, but Aaron goes over to the computer and pulls up the song on youtube and asks me to dance with him. It was so cute :) Definitely helped that I did have a few drinks b/c otherwise I would have been all freaked out, but it was really nice. Then last night we all went to a drive in movie (my first time at one!! it was so cool!) and I was sitting with Aaron, it was freeeezing so we had a bunch of blankets and stuff, and he put his arm around me a little bit and it was just cute. We ended up leaving a little bit into the second movie b/c it was really really stupid, and he gave me a tour of his town since that's where we were, and then he took me back to my car. It was a really fun weekend!
I definitely feel like I'm having a bit of a battle with myself. The more I spend time with Aaron the more I start to like him. He makes me laugh, he's really easy to talk to, we're honest with each other and he's not afraid to ask me about something that's bothering him which I appreciate. We've had some pretty serious conversations but at the same time we're able to joke around and have a lot of fun. I feel more comfortable with him than I used to. I just find myself thinking about him a lot more often lately. And I'm very very attracted to him. I like when he hugs me, I really liked dancing with him, and I liked leaning my head on his shoulder at the movie last night. I have this huuuge guard up though. And for me that's ok right now, because I feel like I need to keep myself protected. I'm really scared. And we've talked about all of this in a lot of detail, and I told him if he can be patient with me then I could see something happening in the future, but I need time. I need to take things slowly. And he said that was ok, that honestly slow was probably better for him too. The hangups that I had at first aren't as big of a deal anymore, like him being 2 years younger than me, I see his personality more and he doesn't act like some 15 year old guy, most of the time anyway haha.
The only thing that I still really really really don't like is that he is sort of friends with Don, and they work together. That bothers me, and there's not really much I can do about it except get over it. I have made it clear to Aaron though that I really want nothing to do with Don, I have no interest in being his friend. I will inevitably end up seeing him again and I will be "friendly" enough, but that's it. I explained to him that it isn't that I miss him or still care about him, but that I associate him with very painful memories now and I don't want to surround myself with that. What I also don't want is for the two of them to talk about me, and Don has already asked Aaron about me (he did the same thing with me the last time we talked). A few weeks ago I guess he asked Aaron if the two of us had gone out on a date yet. Uh, what? That bothered me and I told Aaron that. I am not Don's business anymore and he has no right to ask that kind of thing.
I have been trying to analyze myself with this wall I have built up so I can figure out how to not leave it up forever. I don't want Don back anymore, I don't miss him, and I am not in love with him. However, when I think about everything that happened, it still hurts and I hate that. I think where a lot of this wall is coming from stems from the fact that I was completely blind sided with my break up with Don. I didn't see any of it coming, and by the time I did, it was too late. I really thought I could trust and count on his feelings for me, and that was obviously wrong. I thought he cared about me and loved me. He yanked me around a lot at the end and said things that made it seem like it would be ok and it confused me and led me on a little. I think I'm afraid of that happening again. I'm afraid of trusting someone else who says they care about me, because how do I know they really mean it and aren't going to just suddenly take it away like Don did. I guess trust comes in time, but I am afraid to take that first intitial leap. I am so afraid of being hurt like that again. I am so afraid of giving someone so much of myself emotionally.
So yeah I don't really know what's going on with all of this right now :p I can just feel myself starting to fall for Aaron bit by bit and it freaks me the heck out.
And now tomorrow I need to go get my hair fixed >.< My cousin did it today, I told her I wanted to be mostly blonde but add some of my natural color back into it...I am not almost platinum blonde and i HATE it so much. So I am hoping to get in somewhere for them to redo it, because there is no way I can go to work on tuesday looking like this!!