something little
i need an outlet for the next few weeks to keep me sane. then a change of routine, start meditating, doing yoga, surfing, etc. My stomach does not hurt as much today as it it the last few days. I felt like there was some hard ball forming and i wanted to hit it to dilute it from forming. Crying on the bus while going to the museum. I wasn't sure why i was going, to give me so answers about him... THe visual music was interesting i especially liked this one guy who used Indian music and complicated graphics, of course, very 60s without being too 60s. i will write his name later. the rest was very modern. I still can't get into it.. plays, culture, art.. Its just does not touch me as other things do.My head always seeks balance, somehow modern does not balance me, it sets me into chaos. where is the soul? ANswers right?
I am trying to come to terms that its over without actually letting my body feel it. Today I woke up at 5 am, My body hurt from pain that i inflicted on myself with the emotions. FOr a moment i imagined that things were okay and it lifted the pain away.I felt so much more in my own body. DAmn this feels so much better than feeling pain. I will acknowledge that it is over but until we talk about it i will make believe that everything is okay for the sake of my papers, finals, homework, david's pets and friends. Craig's brother is coming today to stay here. he sounds exactly like Craig.
This situations reminds me so much the beginning of my situations with Andy. All of the suddenly things got weird and it started with our reunion after not seeing each other for a few weeks. The intimacy was not there. The nervousness in the eye contact. Awkardness. THen a lot of formality, less phone calls, the few of them sound nervous and staged. In a way its good i can already see what is happening without it taking a month and a half to happen. maybe i came on too strong. Maybe all of them are commitment phobics and i chose unavailable men bc to some extent i am unavailable. I need to heal for a bit. I hope it will not take a year. Then i will work on myself, flamenco, hang out with friends, and try to work on being available, honest, work on the relationship with my mom and brothers.
I saw my mom as i waiting for a bus to the museum. She comes out in her really bright outfit. We chit chatted for a bit, the longest conversation we have had in a month. I wanted to cry in front of her and tell her what happened, but i knew that she wouldn't give me any advice that would make me feel better. She told me she took my grant money and used it for rent.
I didn't care at that point. She must have thought i was acting strange and exceptionally calm and decided to confess. She told me she will pay me back.
San Francisco will cost as much as BArd for me. I guess college just costs a lot of money. Part of me is really scared to move. I have such issues when i move away from home. I am a strong person, i am not exceptionally close to my family. BUt here it is. I live with them , but we never do anything as a family. Ridiculous, I have the same issues that these men have but they are active and i am passive.
WHen i ralize this, I see this even in my friendships with Ashley, Lorie, Rylan and Jessica... People who are not available for me and who i am also not available for. to some extent everyone has it with someone else, but i think i chose more people to be my friends who are not available than who are.
I need to get back to my paper.
I am trying to come to terms that its over without actually letting my body feel it. Today I woke up at 5 am, My body hurt from pain that i inflicted on myself with the emotions. FOr a moment i imagined that things were okay and it lifted the pain away.I felt so much more in my own body. DAmn this feels so much better than feeling pain. I will acknowledge that it is over but until we talk about it i will make believe that everything is okay for the sake of my papers, finals, homework, david's pets and friends. Craig's brother is coming today to stay here. he sounds exactly like Craig.
This situations reminds me so much the beginning of my situations with Andy. All of the suddenly things got weird and it started with our reunion after not seeing each other for a few weeks. The intimacy was not there. The nervousness in the eye contact. Awkardness. THen a lot of formality, less phone calls, the few of them sound nervous and staged. In a way its good i can already see what is happening without it taking a month and a half to happen. maybe i came on too strong. Maybe all of them are commitment phobics and i chose unavailable men bc to some extent i am unavailable. I need to heal for a bit. I hope it will not take a year. Then i will work on myself, flamenco, hang out with friends, and try to work on being available, honest, work on the relationship with my mom and brothers.
I saw my mom as i waiting for a bus to the museum. She comes out in her really bright outfit. We chit chatted for a bit, the longest conversation we have had in a month. I wanted to cry in front of her and tell her what happened, but i knew that she wouldn't give me any advice that would make me feel better. She told me she took my grant money and used it for rent.
I didn't care at that point. She must have thought i was acting strange and exceptionally calm and decided to confess. She told me she will pay me back.
San Francisco will cost as much as BArd for me. I guess college just costs a lot of money. Part of me is really scared to move. I have such issues when i move away from home. I am a strong person, i am not exceptionally close to my family. BUt here it is. I live with them , but we never do anything as a family. Ridiculous, I have the same issues that these men have but they are active and i am passive.
WHen i ralize this, I see this even in my friendships with Ashley, Lorie, Rylan and Jessica... People who are not available for me and who i am also not available for. to some extent everyone has it with someone else, but i think i chose more people to be my friends who are not available than who are.
I need to get back to my paper.