Fic: When You Hold A Flame (Vol 1: Track 5)
Series: When You Hold A Flame
Title: Bliss
Pairing,Character(s): Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 650
Spoilers: Through 2x08, AU after that (Series)
Warnings: Homophobic language, swearing, angst. I’m sorry for all the angst guys…hang in there. This first volume is just a big weepy ball of angst but the whole thing’s not gonna be like that, I promise.
Previous Chapters: HERE
A/N: Hey guys sorry for the late post today. Just FYI if my posting schedule gets weird over the rest of this week and the weekend, it’s cause I’m traveling. I’ll try to keep posting one each night though.
Summary: Now there are new thoughts that haunt him.
Everything about you is how I wanna be
Your freedom comes naturally
Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won’t settle for less
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Now there are new thoughts that haunt him. For a while he tries to ignore them but they won’t let him go. And he can’t stop wondering, how is Hummel so happy? How the hell can he be happy, knowing what he is? Ever since that night when Dave first admitted to himself what he might be, he’d been a wreck. He’s spent the last two weeks watching girl-on-girl pornos and pointedly ogling the Cheerios in the hall in desperation, hoping against hope that he was wrong. And feeling nothing. Nothing like what he feels just by being in the same hallway as Hummel. He’d even cried himself to sleep a couple of nights, and how fucking gay is that? It’s getting worse, when all he wants in the whole damn world right now is for it to get better.
So how is it that while Dave hates his entire fucking life, Hummel can somehow be this big out-and-proud homo and still glow like that? Wherever he goes, light shines. His friends are always around, and they don’t even care what he is. Hell, apparently even Hummel’s dad is cool with it all.
Dave knows that he can never have that. Fuck, if Azimio ever found out, or Mitchell, or Olson, he’d be a bloody pulp behind the dumpster; he wouldn’t even warrant being thrown in. Even if they didn’t kick his ass he’d be an outcast. The jocks won’t let themselves be seen with a homo, and the geeks will never accept him now. He’s fucked it all up. The only friends he’d ever had who might have been okay with it were Hudson and Puckerman, and he only knows that now because they’ve gone to the Gleek side and hang out with Hummel. Which of course means that they hate him now anyway. And his parents…god, he doesn’t even want to think about what they’d say. His only chance is to keep it secret, and hope that it’s true what they said at church that one time. That people had made it out from this, that guys had thought they were fags but then married girls and had kids and shit. If they could do it, he can too, right? He can keep his friends and make his mom and pop proud. All he has to do is pretend to be someone he’s not. Every fucking day. Yeah, great solution. But it’s all he has.
And so now when he makes himself hate Hummel, it’s covering up more than just that sick, unnatural want he feels for the kid. Now he has to try and forget how envious he is. Hummel just has to be himself and his friends still buzz around him like he’s the queen bee. If Dave ever let anyone know the truth, he’d be a social pariah.
(That thought does give him a brief moment of amusement, though; Hummel would probably be stunned to hear him use a word like pariah.)
But that’s just it again. More of the mask, more of the role he plays every single fucking day of his life. You can’t be a jock and know words like pariah, and you can’t be a jock and be a fag. And so when he looks at Hummel, he wants him and wants to be him all at the same time. It’s so fucking confusing and it hurts so fucking bad and he just wants to scream. But instead he shoves Hummel into a locker again, and pushes that want as deep as it will go, and just keeps walking down the hallway, his face like stone and his eyes like steel.
Maybe if he just keeps hoping, keeps trying, he’ll learn to be happy being the guy they all want him to be, instead of the guy he is.
Maybe if he keeps pretending, the mask won’t be a mask anymore.
Title: Bliss
Pairing,Character(s): Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 650
Spoilers: Through 2x08, AU after that (Series)
Warnings: Homophobic language, swearing, angst. I’m sorry for all the angst guys…hang in there. This first volume is just a big weepy ball of angst but the whole thing’s not gonna be like that, I promise.
Previous Chapters: HERE
A/N: Hey guys sorry for the late post today. Just FYI if my posting schedule gets weird over the rest of this week and the weekend, it’s cause I’m traveling. I’ll try to keep posting one each night though.
Summary: Now there are new thoughts that haunt him.
Everything about you is how I wanna be
Your freedom comes naturally
Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won’t settle for less
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Now there are new thoughts that haunt him. For a while he tries to ignore them but they won’t let him go. And he can’t stop wondering, how is Hummel so happy? How the hell can he be happy, knowing what he is? Ever since that night when Dave first admitted to himself what he might be, he’d been a wreck. He’s spent the last two weeks watching girl-on-girl pornos and pointedly ogling the Cheerios in the hall in desperation, hoping against hope that he was wrong. And feeling nothing. Nothing like what he feels just by being in the same hallway as Hummel. He’d even cried himself to sleep a couple of nights, and how fucking gay is that? It’s getting worse, when all he wants in the whole damn world right now is for it to get better.
So how is it that while Dave hates his entire fucking life, Hummel can somehow be this big out-and-proud homo and still glow like that? Wherever he goes, light shines. His friends are always around, and they don’t even care what he is. Hell, apparently even Hummel’s dad is cool with it all.
Dave knows that he can never have that. Fuck, if Azimio ever found out, or Mitchell, or Olson, he’d be a bloody pulp behind the dumpster; he wouldn’t even warrant being thrown in. Even if they didn’t kick his ass he’d be an outcast. The jocks won’t let themselves be seen with a homo, and the geeks will never accept him now. He’s fucked it all up. The only friends he’d ever had who might have been okay with it were Hudson and Puckerman, and he only knows that now because they’ve gone to the Gleek side and hang out with Hummel. Which of course means that they hate him now anyway. And his parents…god, he doesn’t even want to think about what they’d say. His only chance is to keep it secret, and hope that it’s true what they said at church that one time. That people had made it out from this, that guys had thought they were fags but then married girls and had kids and shit. If they could do it, he can too, right? He can keep his friends and make his mom and pop proud. All he has to do is pretend to be someone he’s not. Every fucking day. Yeah, great solution. But it’s all he has.
And so now when he makes himself hate Hummel, it’s covering up more than just that sick, unnatural want he feels for the kid. Now he has to try and forget how envious he is. Hummel just has to be himself and his friends still buzz around him like he’s the queen bee. If Dave ever let anyone know the truth, he’d be a social pariah.
(That thought does give him a brief moment of amusement, though; Hummel would probably be stunned to hear him use a word like pariah.)
But that’s just it again. More of the mask, more of the role he plays every single fucking day of his life. You can’t be a jock and know words like pariah, and you can’t be a jock and be a fag. And so when he looks at Hummel, he wants him and wants to be him all at the same time. It’s so fucking confusing and it hurts so fucking bad and he just wants to scream. But instead he shoves Hummel into a locker again, and pushes that want as deep as it will go, and just keeps walking down the hallway, his face like stone and his eyes like steel.
Maybe if he just keeps hoping, keeps trying, he’ll learn to be happy being the guy they all want him to be, instead of the guy he is.
Maybe if he keeps pretending, the mask won’t be a mask anymore.