Christmas Eve
Ive been sttuggling all day because of Ellie. I keep trying but thr one thing I wanted today I didnt get. I wanted to see our grandson and just spend some time with him. I wanted to just be with him and read The Night Before Christmas to him.
It really was just the one thing I wanted to do. Start the tradition. I read it last year and ge was so little. I wont be with him in the morning either. I cant say how much it hurts my heart that things are this way.
Im angry though too. At people for screwing up this family. For us not being together. Its shit and I really just want to rage in some ways.
Im trying to be okay and Im not. I want my grandson. He makes my world better when I feel like this. Yes I know I shouldnt hang that on him but he is the purest happiness Ive got. Theres no motives. No games. He is real and it helps.
I want my family. I want Ellie. I want peace again and that safe feeling. Its been to long since I felt safe.