(no subject)

Feb 11, 2010 16:39

I find myself ready to give up on connecting with people anymore. I find myself withdrawing from the people I do know now and Im okay with that. Its the people around me that aren’t really. They are looking at me and asking whats wrong and whats going on. I don’t know what the answer should be. Is it my place to even answer anymore. When you are put into positions where the world is falling apart around you and you do what you think is best how is it I always end up the asshole and the bad guy? I wonder more and more why I even bother trying. Its not just tonight I wonder though, its been going on for the last month.

The names of people Ive known in my past are swimming across my memories and everything that happened with them is reopening and hurting again. You would think that after all these years the pain would have vanished but it hasn’t. The names though just keep rolling across my mind. Mo, Killienne, Char, Joy, Brandon, Nick, Luke, so many others. So many names, so many people who I felt I gave my everything to yet for some reason they aren’t around anymore. We no longer speak in many cases and its painful. Its always been painful.

Some I had to cut off, I know that but it doesn’t make the pain any less. It doesn’t make those moments when I think of them any less dark. Because I do think about them. How can I not when each and everyone taught me something. When each and every one of them was such a huge part of my life. We shared so much in some cases and now, its just empty. Im not sure anymore how to handle those dark holes, the empty is taking over.

Maybe I am just not what I think I am. Maybe I don’t give enough. Maybe I give to much. I told someone the other day in describing Katt that we were fixers and we give everything to that fixing someone but when that someone if fixed they just walk away and we are left with this void.

Well those voids are getting harder and harder to handle. Those pains are getting harder to come back from. Now, here I am again with this giant hole because of things going on in the last few weeks. Giving my everything to only be told in not so many words that it just isn’t enough. Placed in a horrible position and not knowing what to do with information that I have. Do I share it and hurt someone else that I love or do I just keep it inside and let it tear me up.

I want to just stop trying. I don’t want to extend myself to anyone else anymore. I keep being told that I cant do that because then what does that show Katt. She has the same heart I do and she keeps getting hurt and I keep trying to tell her to keep trying. It happens for a reason. They come in and we help them and then they move on. So if I quit then what is she going to do? I have to set an example. Sometimes that example is just so hard to do, so hard to set.

I want to protect her but I cant even protect myself right now.

I keep wanting to just forget the bad that happened recently. I keep trying to push it all away but its so hard. I cant just smile and pretend that everything is alright like everyone else is doing. I don’t know how they are doing it to be honest. I want to care but Im so burnt out. It was too much to handle, to many emotions and too much shit. I wish it was all over but its not. I don’t know that it ever will be.

I keep wondering how it can ever be over when I keep feeling the same thing. I open up to someone and it goes bad. Friends disappoint and feelings end. So isn’t the smartest thing for me to do is stop trying? Stop opening myself up to this same hurt over and over again.

Ive been told that I am rare, that my capacity to love is something precious and should be cherished. Ive been told that I shouldn’t let myself close off because the world needs people like me. How am I supposed to believe that when the world just keeps ripping my heart to shreds?

I keep questioning everything these last few days. Im angry and I feel that I have the right to be. Im cold and I have the right to be.

Really someone just give me one good reason why I should keep trying to be there for people??
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