My world is changing
So I saw the bariatric doctor last week. FINALLY. We found one to take my disability insurance. FINALLY. I also found a doctor to go to for my gallbladder, I see him Thursday. I think my wonderful Doctor Brown got a little nervous last month when I told him I keep having dreams of cutting myself open to either take my own gallbladder out or at least start it so they have to do something. I know I should be disturbed by these dreams but Im not anymore. I wake up and go "hey maybe that would work". Yeah Doc Brown didnt like that at all so he called one of his friends on the cell phone and he said he would see me.
Its been another two months of throwing up and eatting chicken and jello, but now chicken is even getting iffy on keeping down. So upside is Ive lost weight. When we weighed at the bariatric doc it was 56 pounds last week but Ive lost more since then. I can feel it. So all of this is good news yes but its creating worry and fear in people around me. No bueno.
Im scared though, surgery frightens me because the last time I had it they killed me. Demerol is bad for the Dawnie and we told them that before I went in for surgery but they still gave it to me when I got out and I died on the table. Yeah they brought me back, obviously, but still.
We are going to get power of attorney for Ellie, a living will. All of that good shit taken care of because if something happens to me I dont want my mother walking in her and trying to take control of my world or my daughter. She wants to stay with Ellie. Which would break my mothers heart again but its what she wants.
Ive told the kids and Ellie what I want if something happens to me. Please god dont bury me, I cant be in the ground. Cremate me and spread my ashes somewhere pretty but save some cause the kids are going to get penguin tattooes with my ashes mixed in the ink. Yes its possible and they said they wanted to do it. Though Gilberts worried it would just be a means for me to haunt him easier and Katt just looked at him and said that I wouldnt need the extra help cause I was going to haunt them both anyways. So they are kinda screwed there. Brats. I want people to wear red and I dont want any of those god awful calla lily things that look like a tweaked bell with a yellow penis in the middle. I HATE those things.
Yeah so the world is changing. My kids are scared. My friends are scared too. But its what I want to do. They understand that and support me in whatever I need to do but the fear still lingers in all of us. I guess it always will.
The biggest thing that makes me sad is my mom. I called her last week when I got out of the B Doc's. I told her I lost 56 pounds and she was just like "well thats good, now how much more can you lose." I mean really mom? How about a "nice job" or "Im proud of you". Something positive. I dont know why I thought she would do that though. She sucks at this mom thing STILL. Its sad when people who dont know me as well offer more support and encouragment then your own mother. So thats where I am. My head is swimming with so many things but they arent ready to come out yet. Not in any way that would make sense that is.
Ill close for now and write when more makes sense.
Love loves.
OH YEAH did you know you can burn a thousand calories an orgasm?? The nurse at the bariatric office said it. Ellies working on a new diet plan with this information. Look out world!