PPC Mission 5: Secrets Unfold.
Mission 5: Secrets Unfold
Disclaimer: I do not own the PPC. It was created by the incomparable Jay and Acacia many, many years ago. Nor do I own this fic. Thank the gods. What I do own is Agent Rose/Ross, for whom Permission was granted on June 22nd, 2009, by Techno-Dann. Thank you.
***
Agent Rose/Ross of the PPC peaked into the little closet-like addendum to their Response Centre, smiling at the fact that their new partner was currently fast asleep in a nest of about seventeen cats, several mini-Stormwings, a German Shepherd bitch, a large black rat, an s named Object, and several Pidgins.
The girl was asleep. This was a good thing. She needed it after a first mission like the one that the pair had just slogged through.
Rose/Ross closed the door to the bedroom, just in time.
[Bip.]
It was an odd sort of noise. An insulted noise. A noise that sounded as though the maker would rather be doing its nails than making a small [Bip]ing noise.
Ross stalked over to the pieces of paper that had just printed off. All two of them.
At the head of the page, the title, author, and description were printed in brackets, as though these things were not actually included in the text. Ross sighed. “A girl and her dog? ‘Read people out of books’? Okay, whatever.” He scanned the first paragraph, and groaned, dialing in the coordinates. “Let’s see…” he skimmed the text, and saw his In. “Ah, perfect,” he said, with a grin. “So, sis, she made a beautiful mistake.” He finished locking everything in, and leapt through the portal, landing on the other side as a beautiful stallion centaur, with the body of a draft horse.
“Tortall here we are,” he murmured, watching the girl, Zeyla, and her dog, a beautiful black Alsatian, wander through the woods.
“Why is she wearing Ray Charles sunglasses?” demanded Rose, cocking her head to the side, staring.
“Well…” Ross shook his head, and looked at the Words. “I think she’s supposed to be blind. Perhaps the Canon is trying to make this abundantly clear?” He shook his head, and waited, noting with interest that having four legs instead of two helped alleviate the problems caused by drastic POV shifts.
“Wait, WHAT?” demanded Rose, staring at the Alsatian. “That’s supposed to be Numair? WHAT?”
“Calm down, Rosie. Remember, we’re not quite over the whole S-U-E-I-F-I-E-D thing yet, so we have to keep calm and act like good agents. Now, talk to me…” He sniffed the air. Yes, the damn Sue was right. There was the scent of death on the air.
“Charge. Cute-Animal-Friend-ing a Canon. Charge. Sueish name. Charge. General abuse of the English language. Charge. Grotesque POV changes. Charge. Claiming that Numair Salmalin can turn into a dog. Charge. Stating that he forgets who he is if he stays that way too long. The only instance I remember of Numi forgetting who he was, he was heavily drugged by another mage.” Rose griped quietly to herself as she wrote the charges down on her left arm. “And where the hell is our Magelet?” she asked, at last, glaring at the girl. For once, the Sue hadn’t been overly described. Just the opposite, in fact. All that could be told about her was that she was a girl, and was carrying a stick, and wearing Ray Charles sunglasses.
Zeyla heard them and she turned her hands twisting the top of her cane until she heard a click, then she pulled the handle from the stick and pulled out a long blade.
Rose sighed. “Sword-cane? Really? Really? And aren’t Wildmages the only people able to meld their minds with animals? But then if this is supposed to be Numair, then would that negate that?”
Ross was about to respond, when the most beautiful centaur that either of the twins had ever seen entered the scene. “…Woah,” he murmured, staring at the creature, which was over six feet tall at the withers, and gleamed like moonlight (Ross pulled out a litmus strip and touched it to himself. “Oh. Still slightly Stu’d…”) then winced as the centaur became as fuzzy as a winter pony. “Oh. She described it as having ‘fur’. Twice. Gah… Charge her for breaking what is traditionally used… For having a Sword-cane… For using ‘it’s’ when she clearly meant ‘its’… For melding her mind with animals to make up for her blindness… and for once for under-describing herself…”
Rose dutifully scribbled it down on her arm, and winced at the line His face was rugged, and would have been handsome were it not for the cold and empty stare in the glaze of his eyes. As well as the subsequent terrible dialogue. “I’m charging her for… all that. Filed under abuse of common grammar, and writing lame dialogue. ‘I might be immortal, but I’m no god’? That’s just… Bad. Melodramatic. I could forgive it if it was trying to be So Bad It’s Goodä,” she mused, carefully pronouncing the trademark stamp, “but it’s not.”
Rose winced as Numair leapt and bit the centaur before them, jaws instead closed on the centaur’s arm. “That’s going to sting in the morning,” she commented, then found herself being pulled out into the open as Numair’s claws suddenly dug into her own left arm. It was due to a carelessly omitted apostrophe, which had caused two centaurs to show up in the scene. And, since Rose/Ross were already there, the Canon had decided to snag them. Ross winced, glad that the dog had let go his intentions on Ross’s arm, the rent marks partially obscuring the Charge List. Rose’s rage at the loss of her charge list, however, was eclipsed a second later, when the little blind girl managed to gut the human body of the 18 hand, rearing centaur.
As the Numair dog was sent yelping against a rock, Rose/Ross backed up, and pulled out their CAD, pointing it at the girl who had just managed to gut the horse bit as well.
[Zeyla. Uncannon. Mary Sue. Kill it with arrows.]
Rose looked down at the CAD, and shrugged, then, on a hunch, pointed it at the crumpled body of the dog.
[Numair. Uncannon. Replacement. Recruit.]
“Ross, since when did our CAD start giving us advice like this?”
Ross shrugged, put the CAD away, and then rolled his eyes as the centaur died from his gutting. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen a gutted Mule Deer travel 35 miles before dying. It’s not going to die just like that. No. Wrong. Charge.”
Rose carefully pulled one of her sets of weaponry out of her bag, bending bow and fitting arrow. “Alright. We’re coming to the end. Just have to wait for the Magical Sue healing powers… There!” Galloping forward, Rose scooped up the Numair Dog, which was not longer, in fact, a dog, but a lanky, tanned man in his mid thirties, hauling the pretty thing onto her back, grabbed the Sue by the arm, and hit the button on the RC, taking the group of them out of the fic that was about to end in a string of computer code.
In the abandoned refugee fort of Haven, Rose/Ross let go of the Sue, shoving her down on the ground.
“Zeyla, AKA Mary Sue, you are hereby found guilty of Having a Sueish name, Cute-Animal-Friend-ing a Canon, Having a Cute Animal Friend, General abuse of the English language, including but not limited to improper use of possessives, Grotesque POV changes, claiming the Numair Salmalin - Though we’re not really sure it’s Numair Salmalin, you never really told us one way or another - can turn into a dog, claiming that he’ll lose himself if he stays that way too long, replacing his Magelet, wearing Ray Charles sunglasses, calling a centaur ‘furry’, having a Sword-cane, melding your mind with animals, which, I might add, only wildmages can do, under-describing yourself, writing really lame dialogue, attempting to destroy my charge list through the use of your possessed Cute Animal Friend, being blind and managing to gut an 18 hand centaur with your sword-cane in both bellies, thinking that being gutted results in a quick death, thinking that Immortals somehow equal Dæmons and will disappear in a cloud of gold if you kill them, having Magical Sue Healing Powers, having the ability to Read People Out of Books, being blind and having the ability to Read People Out of Books, being a Mary Sue, and injuring an agent of the PPC. For this, you are sentenced to die. By arrows.” With that, Rose shot her several times in the stomach, raising her head in defiance. “Let’s see how long it takes you to die, and then see if you think getting gutted, or gut-shot, is a quick death.”
Turning to the man on her back, Rose continued. “Numair, AKA Arram, AKA we’re not sure what, you are guilty of being a Cute Animal Friend, and defending a Sue. For this, you can either die here, or come with us and join the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We’re so glad you’re choosing to come with us.” With that, she pulled activated the portal back home, and pulled him with her.
It was not every day that Rose/Ross O--- was seen helping a tall, lanky, bruised, quite naked man down the hallways of the PPC to medical.
With an insane smile to the Nurse on duty, she handed Numair to the startled woman. “This is a Recruited Replacement of Numair Salmalin. He’s just been ‘healed’ by a Sue. Also, my arm is bleeding.” She held up the offending appendage, grinning wider.
***
Rose/Ross snicked the door to their RC closed, flopping down on their big comfy chair, with a sigh. They stared for a moment at the pair of Minis who had been following them for quite some time now, and slowly sunk their collective face into their hands. “Well. That was… eventful…”
They had just closed their eyes when the console let out a shriek, and the sound of thumping, cursing, and various animal noises from the other room harkened that their new partner was awake again.
Heaving herselves out of the chair with a sigh, Rose went to look at their next mission, as one of the little Minis -- NCIS fandom. Was this one Gobbs, or Jethrow? Rose hadn't had time to register which was which -- slapped the console. No rest for them…
Disclaimer: I do not own the PPC. It was created by the incomparable Jay and Acacia many, many years ago. Nor do I own this fic. Thank the gods. What I do own is Agent Rose/Ross, for whom Permission was granted on June 22nd, 2009, by Techno-Dann. Thank you.
***
Agent Rose/Ross of the PPC peaked into the little closet-like addendum to their Response Centre, smiling at the fact that their new partner was currently fast asleep in a nest of about seventeen cats, several mini-Stormwings, a German Shepherd bitch, a large black rat, an s named Object, and several Pidgins.
The girl was asleep. This was a good thing. She needed it after a first mission like the one that the pair had just slogged through.
Rose/Ross closed the door to the bedroom, just in time.
[Bip.]
It was an odd sort of noise. An insulted noise. A noise that sounded as though the maker would rather be doing its nails than making a small [Bip]ing noise.
Ross stalked over to the pieces of paper that had just printed off. All two of them.
At the head of the page, the title, author, and description were printed in brackets, as though these things were not actually included in the text. Ross sighed. “A girl and her dog? ‘Read people out of books’? Okay, whatever.” He scanned the first paragraph, and groaned, dialing in the coordinates. “Let’s see…” he skimmed the text, and saw his In. “Ah, perfect,” he said, with a grin. “So, sis, she made a beautiful mistake.” He finished locking everything in, and leapt through the portal, landing on the other side as a beautiful stallion centaur, with the body of a draft horse.
“Tortall here we are,” he murmured, watching the girl, Zeyla, and her dog, a beautiful black Alsatian, wander through the woods.
“Why is she wearing Ray Charles sunglasses?” demanded Rose, cocking her head to the side, staring.
“Well…” Ross shook his head, and looked at the Words. “I think she’s supposed to be blind. Perhaps the Canon is trying to make this abundantly clear?” He shook his head, and waited, noting with interest that having four legs instead of two helped alleviate the problems caused by drastic POV shifts.
“Wait, WHAT?” demanded Rose, staring at the Alsatian. “That’s supposed to be Numair? WHAT?”
“Calm down, Rosie. Remember, we’re not quite over the whole S-U-E-I-F-I-E-D thing yet, so we have to keep calm and act like good agents. Now, talk to me…” He sniffed the air. Yes, the damn Sue was right. There was the scent of death on the air.
“Charge. Cute-Animal-Friend-ing a Canon. Charge. Sueish name. Charge. General abuse of the English language. Charge. Grotesque POV changes. Charge. Claiming that Numair Salmalin can turn into a dog. Charge. Stating that he forgets who he is if he stays that way too long. The only instance I remember of Numi forgetting who he was, he was heavily drugged by another mage.” Rose griped quietly to herself as she wrote the charges down on her left arm. “And where the hell is our Magelet?” she asked, at last, glaring at the girl. For once, the Sue hadn’t been overly described. Just the opposite, in fact. All that could be told about her was that she was a girl, and was carrying a stick, and wearing Ray Charles sunglasses.
Zeyla heard them and she turned her hands twisting the top of her cane until she heard a click, then she pulled the handle from the stick and pulled out a long blade.
Rose sighed. “Sword-cane? Really? Really? And aren’t Wildmages the only people able to meld their minds with animals? But then if this is supposed to be Numair, then would that negate that?”
Ross was about to respond, when the most beautiful centaur that either of the twins had ever seen entered the scene. “…Woah,” he murmured, staring at the creature, which was over six feet tall at the withers, and gleamed like moonlight (Ross pulled out a litmus strip and touched it to himself. “Oh. Still slightly Stu’d…”) then winced as the centaur became as fuzzy as a winter pony. “Oh. She described it as having ‘fur’. Twice. Gah… Charge her for breaking what is traditionally used… For having a Sword-cane… For using ‘it’s’ when she clearly meant ‘its’… For melding her mind with animals to make up for her blindness… and for once for under-describing herself…”
Rose dutifully scribbled it down on her arm, and winced at the line His face was rugged, and would have been handsome were it not for the cold and empty stare in the glaze of his eyes. As well as the subsequent terrible dialogue. “I’m charging her for… all that. Filed under abuse of common grammar, and writing lame dialogue. ‘I might be immortal, but I’m no god’? That’s just… Bad. Melodramatic. I could forgive it if it was trying to be So Bad It’s Goodä,” she mused, carefully pronouncing the trademark stamp, “but it’s not.”
Rose winced as Numair leapt and bit the centaur before them, jaws instead closed on the centaur’s arm. “That’s going to sting in the morning,” she commented, then found herself being pulled out into the open as Numair’s claws suddenly dug into her own left arm. It was due to a carelessly omitted apostrophe, which had caused two centaurs to show up in the scene. And, since Rose/Ross were already there, the Canon had decided to snag them. Ross winced, glad that the dog had let go his intentions on Ross’s arm, the rent marks partially obscuring the Charge List. Rose’s rage at the loss of her charge list, however, was eclipsed a second later, when the little blind girl managed to gut the human body of the 18 hand, rearing centaur.
As the Numair dog was sent yelping against a rock, Rose/Ross backed up, and pulled out their CAD, pointing it at the girl who had just managed to gut the horse bit as well.
[Zeyla. Uncannon. Mary Sue. Kill it with arrows.]
Rose looked down at the CAD, and shrugged, then, on a hunch, pointed it at the crumpled body of the dog.
[Numair. Uncannon. Replacement. Recruit.]
“Ross, since when did our CAD start giving us advice like this?”
Ross shrugged, put the CAD away, and then rolled his eyes as the centaur died from his gutting. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen a gutted Mule Deer travel 35 miles before dying. It’s not going to die just like that. No. Wrong. Charge.”
Rose carefully pulled one of her sets of weaponry out of her bag, bending bow and fitting arrow. “Alright. We’re coming to the end. Just have to wait for the Magical Sue healing powers… There!” Galloping forward, Rose scooped up the Numair Dog, which was not longer, in fact, a dog, but a lanky, tanned man in his mid thirties, hauling the pretty thing onto her back, grabbed the Sue by the arm, and hit the button on the RC, taking the group of them out of the fic that was about to end in a string of computer code.
In the abandoned refugee fort of Haven, Rose/Ross let go of the Sue, shoving her down on the ground.
“Zeyla, AKA Mary Sue, you are hereby found guilty of Having a Sueish name, Cute-Animal-Friend-ing a Canon, Having a Cute Animal Friend, General abuse of the English language, including but not limited to improper use of possessives, Grotesque POV changes, claiming the Numair Salmalin - Though we’re not really sure it’s Numair Salmalin, you never really told us one way or another - can turn into a dog, claiming that he’ll lose himself if he stays that way too long, replacing his Magelet, wearing Ray Charles sunglasses, calling a centaur ‘furry’, having a Sword-cane, melding your mind with animals, which, I might add, only wildmages can do, under-describing yourself, writing really lame dialogue, attempting to destroy my charge list through the use of your possessed Cute Animal Friend, being blind and managing to gut an 18 hand centaur with your sword-cane in both bellies, thinking that being gutted results in a quick death, thinking that Immortals somehow equal Dæmons and will disappear in a cloud of gold if you kill them, having Magical Sue Healing Powers, having the ability to Read People Out of Books, being blind and having the ability to Read People Out of Books, being a Mary Sue, and injuring an agent of the PPC. For this, you are sentenced to die. By arrows.” With that, Rose shot her several times in the stomach, raising her head in defiance. “Let’s see how long it takes you to die, and then see if you think getting gutted, or gut-shot, is a quick death.”
Turning to the man on her back, Rose continued. “Numair, AKA Arram, AKA we’re not sure what, you are guilty of being a Cute Animal Friend, and defending a Sue. For this, you can either die here, or come with us and join the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We’re so glad you’re choosing to come with us.” With that, she pulled activated the portal back home, and pulled him with her.
It was not every day that Rose/Ross O--- was seen helping a tall, lanky, bruised, quite naked man down the hallways of the PPC to medical.
With an insane smile to the Nurse on duty, she handed Numair to the startled woman. “This is a Recruited Replacement of Numair Salmalin. He’s just been ‘healed’ by a Sue. Also, my arm is bleeding.” She held up the offending appendage, grinning wider.
***
Rose/Ross snicked the door to their RC closed, flopping down on their big comfy chair, with a sigh. They stared for a moment at the pair of Minis who had been following them for quite some time now, and slowly sunk their collective face into their hands. “Well. That was… eventful…”
They had just closed their eyes when the console let out a shriek, and the sound of thumping, cursing, and various animal noises from the other room harkened that their new partner was awake again.
Heaving herselves out of the chair with a sigh, Rose went to look at their next mission, as one of the little Minis -- NCIS fandom. Was this one Gobbs, or Jethrow? Rose hadn't had time to register which was which -- slapped the console. No rest for them…