confusion sets in
lost and empty.. not a good combination
i miss john. i swear to god. i didn't want to admit it to myself but it's true. every guy i meet isn't him. and i know that's silly to say, but it's like i can't see myself with ANYBODY but him. it's so hard. my relationship with john wasnt volitile or anything it was perfect except for the last 3 weeks or so. it was great. and i really loved him. and i still do, not as much but i still do. i see him walking around and i want to say, how's my heart doing? it's still with you, thanks for wiping you feet before you stomped all over it! i feel so bitter and angry and those two things are the furthest thing from me!
i've tried desparately to find someone to replace him, but it's ended in me hurting 3 innocent guys ( 2 creep 1 GREAT GUY..) the thing is that i can't see myself in anything lasting more than a few days. its sad. i can't go a day without thinking about john. he looks so happy, and i am to an extent but when you get right down to it im not content. it's so confusing. i don't feel the hurting pain or the depressed empty, it's like fuck i don't know. im void of emotion. i know what happy and angry is but nothing more than that! i want everything that john has but then again i don't want him at all! i want things to be the way they were, and i know they would never be that way. he has new friends, i have new friends, and we aren't the same people. we would be more compatable i think, cuz there'd be less drama, but it would be jaded and the new feeling wouldn't be there. u know how you have a favorite pair of jeans that you FUCKING LOVE!!! and they rip so you fix them a million times before you have to throw them away or in my case make them into something or keep them anyway just in a box. but when you get a new pair of pants that are made better and are more expensive and will last longer you totally forget about your favorite pants all together. well that's the way i think it will be with this john situation. until new pants walk on into my life he's still gonna be sitting there..
i know that if for some reason john were to ask me out again i'd say yes, but the thing is the way things are it wouldnt work. im so dumb. i know i would take him back and love him just like before. i have this eerie feeling that he still loves me and just doesn't want to admit it to himself or anyone else. but you know all the same i really don't know. it's all a jumble of SHIT and i hate it all. i want SO badly to forget about him. i know he could care less about me. and the thing is i don't really care about him all that much cuz he's been so different from the john i knew, and i really don't like what i see. he's got other girls, which again doesn't bother me cuz i have other guys, the thing that bugs me is that he's not mine. i don't care if someone else has him or anything like that because i know he's not mine, but i do care because i believe he saved my life.
before he came along i was about to say goodbye forever to everything and everyone even myself, and he saved me. i think that's why i have the attachment because i pair him with my life. he was the reason for many things. that's why our song was "the reason" by hoobastank. but i know he's not much of a reason anymore. it's the memories and things of that nature that keep me up most of the night thinking. not what he does now or how he would be with me now. its how things were. and that's what i want. and until i can except that i won't ever have that i can't move on. this could be a long ride and im ok with it, i know im strong, and i am my own person. i never depended on john with my life, i think that my life was sweeter when he was in it. i know i can be on my own and i know i'll live without him... I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!! the day that i do is both near and far... and i wish that i didn't hurt anyone else.. including me..
the worst thing is that i can't cry no matter how hard i try. that's what i want a good cry. someone please come punch me in the face...
i miss john. i swear to god. i didn't want to admit it to myself but it's true. every guy i meet isn't him. and i know that's silly to say, but it's like i can't see myself with ANYBODY but him. it's so hard. my relationship with john wasnt volitile or anything it was perfect except for the last 3 weeks or so. it was great. and i really loved him. and i still do, not as much but i still do. i see him walking around and i want to say, how's my heart doing? it's still with you, thanks for wiping you feet before you stomped all over it! i feel so bitter and angry and those two things are the furthest thing from me!
i've tried desparately to find someone to replace him, but it's ended in me hurting 3 innocent guys ( 2 creep 1 GREAT GUY..) the thing is that i can't see myself in anything lasting more than a few days. its sad. i can't go a day without thinking about john. he looks so happy, and i am to an extent but when you get right down to it im not content. it's so confusing. i don't feel the hurting pain or the depressed empty, it's like fuck i don't know. im void of emotion. i know what happy and angry is but nothing more than that! i want everything that john has but then again i don't want him at all! i want things to be the way they were, and i know they would never be that way. he has new friends, i have new friends, and we aren't the same people. we would be more compatable i think, cuz there'd be less drama, but it would be jaded and the new feeling wouldn't be there. u know how you have a favorite pair of jeans that you FUCKING LOVE!!! and they rip so you fix them a million times before you have to throw them away or in my case make them into something or keep them anyway just in a box. but when you get a new pair of pants that are made better and are more expensive and will last longer you totally forget about your favorite pants all together. well that's the way i think it will be with this john situation. until new pants walk on into my life he's still gonna be sitting there..
i know that if for some reason john were to ask me out again i'd say yes, but the thing is the way things are it wouldnt work. im so dumb. i know i would take him back and love him just like before. i have this eerie feeling that he still loves me and just doesn't want to admit it to himself or anyone else. but you know all the same i really don't know. it's all a jumble of SHIT and i hate it all. i want SO badly to forget about him. i know he could care less about me. and the thing is i don't really care about him all that much cuz he's been so different from the john i knew, and i really don't like what i see. he's got other girls, which again doesn't bother me cuz i have other guys, the thing that bugs me is that he's not mine. i don't care if someone else has him or anything like that because i know he's not mine, but i do care because i believe he saved my life.
before he came along i was about to say goodbye forever to everything and everyone even myself, and he saved me. i think that's why i have the attachment because i pair him with my life. he was the reason for many things. that's why our song was "the reason" by hoobastank. but i know he's not much of a reason anymore. it's the memories and things of that nature that keep me up most of the night thinking. not what he does now or how he would be with me now. its how things were. and that's what i want. and until i can except that i won't ever have that i can't move on. this could be a long ride and im ok with it, i know im strong, and i am my own person. i never depended on john with my life, i think that my life was sweeter when he was in it. i know i can be on my own and i know i'll live without him... I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!! the day that i do is both near and far... and i wish that i didn't hurt anyone else.. including me..
the worst thing is that i can't cry no matter how hard i try. that's what i want a good cry. someone please come punch me in the face...