"i know how hard it is to be human."
this is basically a stripped down version of the person i came to be today. i've been through a whole lot of shit in my life. not a lot of people know how i came to be. not a lot of people know how i view the world and the people in it. this is what i think. pardon me if this rambles, but i'm just stating what i think, and my thoughts are all over the place.
my whole life i was the shy kid. sitting back, i was never really friends with anybody. i actually moved around middle of elementary school to a couple of different houses, and it greatly affected my life. i became good friends with people and then i lost them. i had best friends that i cared for and then in the blink of an eye, they were gone. fortunately later on in life, i found some of my friends and i talked to them, but they still were never the friends that i've previously had. i've become friends with some people, to have them walk all over me. i've lived in silence most of my life. i've tried to be nice and had people take advantage of that, fiend off of me for something, get people to realize "oh hey, this kid is nice, why don't i ask him for a dollar to get me something?" and now i realize at the age of 20, that you need to make your own money to live on this earth. if you have no job, you are WASTING SPACE on this earth and depending on someone else to make you live. why should you collect welfare, why should you depend on the government to make your ends meet. it's your responsibility to get out there and try to live. which is why one of the quotes i read, "your work is the rent you pay, for the room you occupy on earth." is my FAVORITE QUOTE. it pisses me off that people think that they're going to make it big, that they're going to get their aspirations and everything would be fine. it pisses me off that people drop out of school, think that it would be SO easy to get a GED, go to college and everything would be fine. it PISSES ME OFF that people think everything would be handed to them on a silver platter, and when things don't go their way, it's bitch bitch bitch, oh no what did i do wrong to not get what i wanted. it PISSES ME OFF that people have a whole "i'm right, you're wrong" attitude and always fight with a person and CAN'T ADMIT THAT THEY'RE WRONG. they DON'T know that they're going to fall flat on their face, and find that life doesn't
work that way.
my whole life i was never the popular kid. why would i be. i've come to realize that a true friend is like finding gold in the amazon river. extremely rare and hard to come by. i've had "best friends" lie to my face. i've had "best friends" stab me behind the back, try to do negative things with them. and i've come to realize when i got older, what's the point in keeping a best friend? the memories might be fun, the memories may suspect you to believe that down the road, there will be more good times, but i've come to realize that if a person fucks a friendship up, they're DONE. they get NO forgiveness. it's the person's responsibility to show me that i can trust them. to be blunt and completely honest with you, i do not trust ANYONE. i have NEVER in my life trusted various people. you have to pass a test with me and prove to me that you're a genuine good person. i've learned people are shady, two faced, liars, cheaters, stealers, etc, and in this world, genuine good hearted people are hard to find. it's like the world is filled with bad apples, and the one true apple without the worms is out there somewhere, but you don't know the least of where to find it.
i always tend to lose friends rather than keep or gain them. i've never kept a friend for more than 3 years recently. yvette however, told me recently that "i have no reason to lie to your face." and it made me realize wow. i had to stop talking a best friend recently because apparently she (lets just call her "best friend A") talked shit about me and my other best friend B behind my back. best friend A said all of this to BEST FRIEND'S B'S GOOD FRIENDS, WHO THEN TOLD BEST FRIEND B. so best friend B learns all of this information, and tells me that she was talking shit. PATHETIC. WHAT THE FUCK. i have been walked over in my life, but i've come to realize if you talk shit, you're just jealous. sorry that you can't be as nice and genuine as me, sorry that you can't keep your mouth shut.
i always get vibes off of people when i first meet them. i get a feel of their personality, who they are and the in that they act, it tells a lot of what happened in their past. like if a person's shy, he or she's been through a LOT of shit in their past, maybe a bad home life, who knows. which is why people think i don't have much of a hard life, but if you've been through some of the things i have, you're DEAD wrong. there's just some people out there, that are straight up pussies, that can't take certain life situations because they aren't emotionally strong enough. you're probably thinking "some kids are emotionally scarred from some events" but look at me. i've came a LONG fucking way in my 20 years of occupying this earth. you just have to think life would get better and just get over it. why 12 year old kids cut/kill themselves over the breakup in a relationship, i just plain don't understand. in this generation kids are getting exposed to suicides, homicides, violence in general. and they aren't old enough to know that everybody runs around on their own free will, everybody operates to think that they're way of right and wrong is the right way. terrorists killing americans apparently is the right mentality there, but here of course it's not.
which is why when i'm out somewhere you will always see me with one friend. if i hang around too much people there is too much chaos. too much noise, too many conversations going on at one time. my mind is at unrest, i might talk to one person but not the other, because of the vibes and the connection i get with just one person. if i pick a day to chill with a person, i want to chill with ONLY THAT PERSON ONLY. i'm there for YOU, i'm there to get to know YOU. why the FUCK would you invite another person when i'm supposed to hang out with YOU? i mean, do you invite along another man or woman when you're on a date? IT DOESN'T WORK. HOW the HELL can i be friends with you when i'm hanging around a bunch of other people? i don't get the one on one personal connection that i'm supposed to get. which is typically why at parties, if i meet or i'm feeling a person's vibe, i typically go off in another room and get to know that person better, because why would i get drunk with a complete stranger. it's just my whole life i could never call somebody my friend. who knows what that person would do to me down the line. it's even worse when you bring romance/love into the equation. if that person pursues you or you pursue a person and they think otherwise, the friendship is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. you've managed to draw a fine line in between what a friendship and romance is. once you've crossed over the line of oh this person likes me, or this person doesn't like me, you can't go back to "just being friends". it's all over for that. people need to stick up for me, tell me if someone is talking shit and stick up for me, tell me that they'd do anything for me and that they're not here to use me to their advantage, that i'm a PERSON and i'm here to show them how good of a person i am. because if you
show me how good of a person you are, i'd do the same.
i used to think that i had more to write in this but i think i'm done. i think i let out everything i needed to say. i'm actually somewhat glad that i was shy for most of my life, because it let me view the world and how people act, how people can deceive you and fight with you for what THEY want and don't even care about you. it's given me such a good judge of character, about who i should and shouldn't keep in my life. later on in the second half of high school however, i've broken free from my shell and started talking to people, and i've still become wary about trusting people, but i've met some friends that have stuck with me from then, and are the best friends i could've asked for. i guess good night everybody.
my whole life i was the shy kid. sitting back, i was never really friends with anybody. i actually moved around middle of elementary school to a couple of different houses, and it greatly affected my life. i became good friends with people and then i lost them. i had best friends that i cared for and then in the blink of an eye, they were gone. fortunately later on in life, i found some of my friends and i talked to them, but they still were never the friends that i've previously had. i've become friends with some people, to have them walk all over me. i've lived in silence most of my life. i've tried to be nice and had people take advantage of that, fiend off of me for something, get people to realize "oh hey, this kid is nice, why don't i ask him for a dollar to get me something?" and now i realize at the age of 20, that you need to make your own money to live on this earth. if you have no job, you are WASTING SPACE on this earth and depending on someone else to make you live. why should you collect welfare, why should you depend on the government to make your ends meet. it's your responsibility to get out there and try to live. which is why one of the quotes i read, "your work is the rent you pay, for the room you occupy on earth." is my FAVORITE QUOTE. it pisses me off that people think that they're going to make it big, that they're going to get their aspirations and everything would be fine. it pisses me off that people drop out of school, think that it would be SO easy to get a GED, go to college and everything would be fine. it PISSES ME OFF that people think everything would be handed to them on a silver platter, and when things don't go their way, it's bitch bitch bitch, oh no what did i do wrong to not get what i wanted. it PISSES ME OFF that people have a whole "i'm right, you're wrong" attitude and always fight with a person and CAN'T ADMIT THAT THEY'RE WRONG. they DON'T know that they're going to fall flat on their face, and find that life doesn't
work that way.
my whole life i was never the popular kid. why would i be. i've come to realize that a true friend is like finding gold in the amazon river. extremely rare and hard to come by. i've had "best friends" lie to my face. i've had "best friends" stab me behind the back, try to do negative things with them. and i've come to realize when i got older, what's the point in keeping a best friend? the memories might be fun, the memories may suspect you to believe that down the road, there will be more good times, but i've come to realize that if a person fucks a friendship up, they're DONE. they get NO forgiveness. it's the person's responsibility to show me that i can trust them. to be blunt and completely honest with you, i do not trust ANYONE. i have NEVER in my life trusted various people. you have to pass a test with me and prove to me that you're a genuine good person. i've learned people are shady, two faced, liars, cheaters, stealers, etc, and in this world, genuine good hearted people are hard to find. it's like the world is filled with bad apples, and the one true apple without the worms is out there somewhere, but you don't know the least of where to find it.
i always tend to lose friends rather than keep or gain them. i've never kept a friend for more than 3 years recently. yvette however, told me recently that "i have no reason to lie to your face." and it made me realize wow. i had to stop talking a best friend recently because apparently she (lets just call her "best friend A") talked shit about me and my other best friend B behind my back. best friend A said all of this to BEST FRIEND'S B'S GOOD FRIENDS, WHO THEN TOLD BEST FRIEND B. so best friend B learns all of this information, and tells me that she was talking shit. PATHETIC. WHAT THE FUCK. i have been walked over in my life, but i've come to realize if you talk shit, you're just jealous. sorry that you can't be as nice and genuine as me, sorry that you can't keep your mouth shut.
i always get vibes off of people when i first meet them. i get a feel of their personality, who they are and the in that they act, it tells a lot of what happened in their past. like if a person's shy, he or she's been through a LOT of shit in their past, maybe a bad home life, who knows. which is why people think i don't have much of a hard life, but if you've been through some of the things i have, you're DEAD wrong. there's just some people out there, that are straight up pussies, that can't take certain life situations because they aren't emotionally strong enough. you're probably thinking "some kids are emotionally scarred from some events" but look at me. i've came a LONG fucking way in my 20 years of occupying this earth. you just have to think life would get better and just get over it. why 12 year old kids cut/kill themselves over the breakup in a relationship, i just plain don't understand. in this generation kids are getting exposed to suicides, homicides, violence in general. and they aren't old enough to know that everybody runs around on their own free will, everybody operates to think that they're way of right and wrong is the right way. terrorists killing americans apparently is the right mentality there, but here of course it's not.
which is why when i'm out somewhere you will always see me with one friend. if i hang around too much people there is too much chaos. too much noise, too many conversations going on at one time. my mind is at unrest, i might talk to one person but not the other, because of the vibes and the connection i get with just one person. if i pick a day to chill with a person, i want to chill with ONLY THAT PERSON ONLY. i'm there for YOU, i'm there to get to know YOU. why the FUCK would you invite another person when i'm supposed to hang out with YOU? i mean, do you invite along another man or woman when you're on a date? IT DOESN'T WORK. HOW the HELL can i be friends with you when i'm hanging around a bunch of other people? i don't get the one on one personal connection that i'm supposed to get. which is typically why at parties, if i meet or i'm feeling a person's vibe, i typically go off in another room and get to know that person better, because why would i get drunk with a complete stranger. it's just my whole life i could never call somebody my friend. who knows what that person would do to me down the line. it's even worse when you bring romance/love into the equation. if that person pursues you or you pursue a person and they think otherwise, the friendship is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. you've managed to draw a fine line in between what a friendship and romance is. once you've crossed over the line of oh this person likes me, or this person doesn't like me, you can't go back to "just being friends". it's all over for that. people need to stick up for me, tell me if someone is talking shit and stick up for me, tell me that they'd do anything for me and that they're not here to use me to their advantage, that i'm a PERSON and i'm here to show them how good of a person i am. because if you
show me how good of a person you are, i'd do the same.
i used to think that i had more to write in this but i think i'm done. i think i let out everything i needed to say. i'm actually somewhat glad that i was shy for most of my life, because it let me view the world and how people act, how people can deceive you and fight with you for what THEY want and don't even care about you. it's given me such a good judge of character, about who i should and shouldn't keep in my life. later on in the second half of high school however, i've broken free from my shell and started talking to people, and i've still become wary about trusting people, but i've met some friends that have stuck with me from then, and are the best friends i could've asked for. i guess good night everybody.