What happened?
I think that sometimes it’s for the best to write things down. Whether it’s to put events or situations straight in ones own mind, or just to get it out of the system. I don’t know which, but no matter how ugly something might be, get out and walk because I’m too full up to carry you about any longer!
Some people might be aware of the events of the past month or so, some might not. Anyway, I am not particularly proud of myself but, neither am I going to beat myself up over it. What is done is done and thankfully resulted in no long term damage.
I was woken at 5am, by the usual, the usual event you’re all used to me going on about. Bouncing about, waking me and waking Bethany. Bethany muttered in her room and promptly fell back asleep. I had to get up out of bed and come downstairs as I was closer than you could ever imagine, to putting my pillow over his head and sitting on it until the kicking stopped.
I went downstairs, then back up and told him exactly what I thought of him, then went back downstairs.
For two or three days I couldn’t look at him, never mind speak to him. We had Katie for the weekend. Friday I managed to remain civil for her sake. Saturday night, I really don’t know what happened. I was useless, worthless as a person and as a mother. The best thing to do was to take all of my antidepressants, sleep and never wake up again. So I did, 56 of the 20mg Citalopram tablets with a mouthful of cola.
I went into Bethany bedroom and kissed her, sat on her bedroom floor and cried. I then went to my bed. This was all at around about 8.30pm or so.
At 9.45pm I woke up and was in a bit of a muddled way. I’d likely have been unable to distinguish between my arse and my elbow. Thankfully that debate never arose. Downstairs I wandered and confessed to John something along the lines of “I think I’ve done something really stupid”
It was impressive the way he took charge of the situation, calling the ambulance and getting the empty pill packets all ready. Because I’d taken so many of the tablets, the paramedic had to take me into the hospital. Because of the time that had elapsed between me taking them and actually seeking help, there was no point in pumping my stomach (this in hindsight is prolly good as apparently it’s a terrible thing!)
The doctor who admitted me was very nice, though spoke little English. When he asked me what had happened, I told him that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. He understood that as I was tired and took the tablets to get a good nights sleep.
To further explain the language barrier, I had my period and had been whisked off to hospital with no sanitary goodies, so, I said to the doctor, “sorry but I have my period could I possibly have a sanitary towel?” he in turn, smiled, nodded and brought me a packet of sandwiches. I’m guessing you get the picture.
They kept me on a heart monitor for most of the evening, then at about 6am transferred me to a ward. I climbed into bed and went to sleep. A doctor came round at about 8am, by which time I was completely out of my face, my heart was racing and it was like I was outside of myself looking in. The doctors words were the following: “so, did you try to top yourself?” me: “no” Doctor “ok, go home when you’re ready.” And he walked away!
John had called my parents at midnight when the hospital had told him there was a chance of me having done some serious harm to my heart. My parents left at 6am and were here by noon the next day.
John, Bethany and Katie came and got me from the hospital and took me home, where I cried and cuddled my Mum and Dad and slept for 2 days. Then John took me to Scotland, where I’ve been for the last 3 and a half weeks.
We’ve a couple of psychiatric nurses in the family and I’ve been thoroughly assessed over the past weeks. I’m a good mother and a pretty reasonable member of the human race. I’ve as much right to be alive and as much right to be happy as everyone else has.
I see my own doctor on Friday, and I am going to be completely honest with him and tell him everything. In order for me to put this bastard postnatal depression once and for all behind me, I need to be completely honest with everyone and also be aware that they are not going to take Bethany away from me, as I am a good Mum and I would never ever hurt her and I am the best person in the world to be looking after her.
Believe it or not, this is the short version of this journal! LOL
If you managed to read it all, thank you.