So, apparently I'm now a parent?
Thrilling subject, I know and I hope that your reading interest is peaked like cold nipples, but first, some whining (read: existential emo-ness).
Why is it that when I have such a good idea of what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it, I feel more lost than ever? The game plan for the next two years is set: finish up school, go to France so that I can actually be worthy of a French degree of any sort, student teach so that I can get my teaching degree, apply to grad schools and apply to be a RHD at those same schools hopefully get accepted to the same grad school that I get the RHD job at. I have many more personal goals lined up (like making Spectrum - CGSA a household name at Cortland, and getting the Summer CA job again), but the big picture is pretty much set. So of course NOW I'm going "fuck, wait, what? when, why and how the fuckin' how?!" about everything.
I am so far behind on what I wanted to learn in terms of mystic stuff. I never finished learning about mythology, or palmistry, nor tarot, nor dream analysis, nor energy manipulation, nor healing (never even really started that one tho) [in retrospect, I know that the nor's aren't correct. I have come to terms with this nicely. Carrying on]. The only things that I have since started is a divination tool very similar to tarot and expanding my crystal collection. That's very unimpressive.
Well, it shouldn't matter. I mean, hell, up to this point, I've learned quite a deal about tarot, dream analysis, and general divination/prediction shit. That's what I want to focus on. I've accumulated most of my spiritual tools (currently lacking a crystal sphere, but they are massively expensive [aka, my "you got accepted into grad school" present]), so I am pretty much prepared to move onto the next part of my spiritual path (which I dabbled in far too soon in my learnings): practicing what I've learned for others. I've done many tarot readings in my days (and many of them truly helped people or at least gave them a heads up), so I have no worries about giving people more advice and readings of different sorts, but I'm still rather puzzled ...
So, here's why. Remember that subject line about So apparently I'm now a parent? Well, my father has recently outed himself as a mystic and started studying. He did this last winter. Sure, not too long, but this man has gone through (or half-gone through rather) so many damned books on the occult and mystic topics than I could ever dream. If I had that library (aka: mountain) of books he has, I would jizz myself and not know where to start or how I would ever finish them all. He's been trying to make up for lost time seeing as he dabbled in mysticism when he was much younger but then let it drop. So ... here's the parenting part: He's fucking it up. He's half-learned far too much shit and is so lost in the woods that I worry about him finding his path. He doesn't care what it is, but if it's mystic or pagan related, he wants to learn it / wear it / put it into whatever orifice it can fit into (not so sure on the latter, but I wouldn't put it past him) and he's severely fucking things up. Reading a few books here and there and collecting a few mystical objects from different religions is cool and all ... but there's a line. He wear shaman tools, wiccan tools; he collects symbols from any and all religions hoping that one may call out to him and show him his path; he collects as many crystals as he can (and at this point, he easily could have spent 1k worth of money on stones and crystals and related merchandise) all the while not really knowing their purposes or using them properly, whatsoever.
So the inner parent in me screamed at him today. He bought a crystal pyramid (amethyst) and I questioned him on what he would use it for. "I'm not sure, I'll find a use tho". I asked him if it had called out to him (maybe he found a tool to lead him to his path?) "No, it just looks nice". Ok, so he's stupid. Let me tell him what it's for. I say it's for crystal healing or meditation, but that amethyst is generally useful for healing purposes, but that it's better to start learning with tumbled stones and smaller pieces. "Oh, I read about it in books." So I up and yell (in a shop no less) that he's fucking up the process, fucking up his learning because he won't listen or slow down to see signs and hints. He just plows through books, buys as many stones and symbols as possible, and blindly expects some god or goddess to be able to reach him when he is in such a spiritual cloud of chaos and frenzy. So, like some child who didn't get a candy, I storm out of the shop and don't talk to him all night.
I'm raising my father. He's never really had friends, but since my mother's dead (rest her soul), my sister being sent to a group home (she's doing quite well actually and she loves it there) and me always being away at college (read: escaping from my dead mother's house so I don't see daily reminders of her and cry hysterically every time I see them), he's been even more alone. So, he found this local wiccan thingy that accepts community members to some things (not coven only obviously) and he's met some people. I feel like a parent whose kid FINALLY made a friend, but cannot stop worrying.
Fuck this. If I ever actually have a kid, that kid will not be NEARLY as much trouble as this man. He's my father, so he REFUSES to listen to me in regards to things that I am vastly his superior in (mysticism). He's my father, so guiding him through his awkward re-adolescence is uber awkward because he refuses to listen to me about what's polite, who to trust and who to avoid. Basically, I am raising an angsty teen who thinks he knows better than I do. Great pa. Prepare me for the worst part of the world: parenting.
At the age of 21 years old, I feel kinda prepared to raise a child. The shitty diapers will be, well, shitty and oh gods, puke. But, I would love taking my kid to the ymca to teach them to swim. Hell, if my kid wanted to learn football or baseball, i'd love to learn it with them so that they could play. Whatever that kid wanted to do (minus watching porn and drinking booze), that kid would get it. The kid would be spoiled in all the good ways while taught to be determined, open minded, and practical.
And I feel epic lost because I'm only 21, and not supposed to be having thoughts like this. Aren't I supposed to be thinking about getting drunk and getting laid? But no, I want to find a partner to settle down with and get a kid. Maybe I should start researching about surrogate mothers just incase I find a nutjob boy who also wants to settle down and have kids.
Where the fuck did my childhood go? I honestly don't ever remember being carefree. I was either concerned for friends and giving them advice, trying to keep my alcoholic mother alive, or avoiding the world. The only time I've ever been carefree was when I could play WoW for hours on end ... but I still lectured ally-noobs on responsibility and respect and etc.
Can I have a refund check for my youth? Make it a trust fund for that kid that I'll eventually have.
Why is it that when I have such a good idea of what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it, I feel more lost than ever? The game plan for the next two years is set: finish up school, go to France so that I can actually be worthy of a French degree of any sort, student teach so that I can get my teaching degree, apply to grad schools and apply to be a RHD at those same schools hopefully get accepted to the same grad school that I get the RHD job at. I have many more personal goals lined up (like making Spectrum - CGSA a household name at Cortland, and getting the Summer CA job again), but the big picture is pretty much set. So of course NOW I'm going "fuck, wait, what? when, why and how the fuckin' how?!" about everything.
I am so far behind on what I wanted to learn in terms of mystic stuff. I never finished learning about mythology, or palmistry, nor tarot, nor dream analysis, nor energy manipulation, nor healing (never even really started that one tho) [in retrospect, I know that the nor's aren't correct. I have come to terms with this nicely. Carrying on]. The only things that I have since started is a divination tool very similar to tarot and expanding my crystal collection. That's very unimpressive.
Well, it shouldn't matter. I mean, hell, up to this point, I've learned quite a deal about tarot, dream analysis, and general divination/prediction shit. That's what I want to focus on. I've accumulated most of my spiritual tools (currently lacking a crystal sphere, but they are massively expensive [aka, my "you got accepted into grad school" present]), so I am pretty much prepared to move onto the next part of my spiritual path (which I dabbled in far too soon in my learnings): practicing what I've learned for others. I've done many tarot readings in my days (and many of them truly helped people or at least gave them a heads up), so I have no worries about giving people more advice and readings of different sorts, but I'm still rather puzzled ...
So, here's why. Remember that subject line about So apparently I'm now a parent? Well, my father has recently outed himself as a mystic and started studying. He did this last winter. Sure, not too long, but this man has gone through (or half-gone through rather) so many damned books on the occult and mystic topics than I could ever dream. If I had that library (aka: mountain) of books he has, I would jizz myself and not know where to start or how I would ever finish them all. He's been trying to make up for lost time seeing as he dabbled in mysticism when he was much younger but then let it drop. So ... here's the parenting part: He's fucking it up. He's half-learned far too much shit and is so lost in the woods that I worry about him finding his path. He doesn't care what it is, but if it's mystic or pagan related, he wants to learn it / wear it / put it into whatever orifice it can fit into (not so sure on the latter, but I wouldn't put it past him) and he's severely fucking things up. Reading a few books here and there and collecting a few mystical objects from different religions is cool and all ... but there's a line. He wear shaman tools, wiccan tools; he collects symbols from any and all religions hoping that one may call out to him and show him his path; he collects as many crystals as he can (and at this point, he easily could have spent 1k worth of money on stones and crystals and related merchandise) all the while not really knowing their purposes or using them properly, whatsoever.
So the inner parent in me screamed at him today. He bought a crystal pyramid (amethyst) and I questioned him on what he would use it for. "I'm not sure, I'll find a use tho". I asked him if it had called out to him (maybe he found a tool to lead him to his path?) "No, it just looks nice". Ok, so he's stupid. Let me tell him what it's for. I say it's for crystal healing or meditation, but that amethyst is generally useful for healing purposes, but that it's better to start learning with tumbled stones and smaller pieces. "Oh, I read about it in books." So I up and yell (in a shop no less) that he's fucking up the process, fucking up his learning because he won't listen or slow down to see signs and hints. He just plows through books, buys as many stones and symbols as possible, and blindly expects some god or goddess to be able to reach him when he is in such a spiritual cloud of chaos and frenzy. So, like some child who didn't get a candy, I storm out of the shop and don't talk to him all night.
I'm raising my father. He's never really had friends, but since my mother's dead (rest her soul), my sister being sent to a group home (she's doing quite well actually and she loves it there) and me always being away at college (read: escaping from my dead mother's house so I don't see daily reminders of her and cry hysterically every time I see them), he's been even more alone. So, he found this local wiccan thingy that accepts community members to some things (not coven only obviously) and he's met some people. I feel like a parent whose kid FINALLY made a friend, but cannot stop worrying.
Fuck this. If I ever actually have a kid, that kid will not be NEARLY as much trouble as this man. He's my father, so he REFUSES to listen to me in regards to things that I am vastly his superior in (mysticism). He's my father, so guiding him through his awkward re-adolescence is uber awkward because he refuses to listen to me about what's polite, who to trust and who to avoid. Basically, I am raising an angsty teen who thinks he knows better than I do. Great pa. Prepare me for the worst part of the world: parenting.
At the age of 21 years old, I feel kinda prepared to raise a child. The shitty diapers will be, well, shitty and oh gods, puke. But, I would love taking my kid to the ymca to teach them to swim. Hell, if my kid wanted to learn football or baseball, i'd love to learn it with them so that they could play. Whatever that kid wanted to do (minus watching porn and drinking booze), that kid would get it. The kid would be spoiled in all the good ways while taught to be determined, open minded, and practical.
And I feel epic lost because I'm only 21, and not supposed to be having thoughts like this. Aren't I supposed to be thinking about getting drunk and getting laid? But no, I want to find a partner to settle down with and get a kid. Maybe I should start researching about surrogate mothers just incase I find a nutjob boy who also wants to settle down and have kids.
Where the fuck did my childhood go? I honestly don't ever remember being carefree. I was either concerned for friends and giving them advice, trying to keep my alcoholic mother alive, or avoiding the world. The only time I've ever been carefree was when I could play WoW for hours on end ... but I still lectured ally-noobs on responsibility and respect and etc.
Can I have a refund check for my youth? Make it a trust fund for that kid that I'll eventually have.