A new hope due to a new vision, fml.
Oh banshee, how I would kill her if I could. She's trying to bring death to two others that I am close to (one openly, the other grudgingly). However, the only thing I can do is pathetically attempt to ward my little sister and father from her dubious attacks.
Let me recap.
Spring semester 09: I fell out of friendship with several friends while developing a few good friendships for a tiny handful (and a possible unrequited/mutual infatuation/love possibility with another). All last semester, I had frequent panic attacks about being alone that would do quite a decent job at fucking me up physically and emotionally, which I couldn't quite understand until this point of revelation: I am not developing as a mystic or psychic because I am alone. Why would this induce a panic attack? Oh, in case you missed the memo: I'm uber religious. Think creepily crazy Christian person who thinks Jesus is constantly by their side. Substitute Jesus for Gaia (cuz Ouranous wanders around, my spiritual father doesn't chill for too long, =) ) and that's me. Moving on.
How do I know that what I perceive to be my powers aren't just my imagination. Yes, I have faith in myself and my abilities, but I also am doubtful about everything I ever do or try to do. Others do not make my magic and psychic abilities real ... but it certainly is reassuring to hear confirmation every once and a while. I know I have an old soul full of power and ability ... hell, I can still do a shitload without even practicing; which is a good sign ... but ..
I'm losing my magic. I'm clinging to my psychic abilities (and growing at reading people's hearts and souls, =) ). I've lost my mother who drank herself to death. My biological sister was taken away from my father and put into an adult home for mentally handicapped (I’m sure they have a more PC version of it). She is happy there ... but my father is slowly withering away.
I'm losing the man I loathed and resented for nearly two decades of my life (and I'm only 21 people). Frankly, he's dying of loneliness, because his jewel of hope and light (my sister) has been taken from him. She's in a much better environment where she is around people to socialize with and improve her speaking ... but my father is utterly alone.
A small part of my heart resents ever coming to college. Cortland has given me a multitude of futures to hope for, and I am ever grateful for my decision to come here ... but I've almost successfully lost my past entirely. I have only successfully clung to two friends from high school because they are tenaciously hanging on to me. I love them for that, because in my closeted angst and suffering, I forget about anything more than survival.
If my father dies too, I can only hope he has life insurance with me as a benefactor. I honestly don't know how to survive. I am ashamed of my spoiled upbringing, because I am soft and complacent. Thank goodness for this job as a Conference and Camp assistant; this is the first job that I have ever had to live from paycheck to paycheck with. Sure, I could go ask father for money, but I don't need it. I'm forced to cook and see the fact that I waste money on things I don't need. Ah vell, I'm a greedy american.
I apologize for ranting. When I turn to these pathetic and invisible blogs of counseling, I allow my mind to unravel like an old and tattered rope. Thought trains just drift away like broken threads of that rope. So what's the core thread that will maintain? The title, silly! =)
Through one of my many neurotic dialogues, I’ve found hope as to how to survive. If my father stays alive for two more years (which is quite likely), long enough for me to get out of Undergraduate, I can get a real person job and survive. Then, if something horrible should happen to him, I can survive. If he were to die sooner ... well, that's an unallowable possibility, for I have not yet the means to survive at a capacity that I can appreciate.
In all reality, I want that pathetic bastard to stay alive long enough for me to have a child for our lineage to continue. This blood cannot end with me. I must pass along this magic (but oh, fuck, we have lots of health conditions too ... damn this family). So, somehow in the future, I will reproduce (ew, vagina ... ew.). Hopefully, by that time, surrogate mothers are more of an acceptable social idea. So, all those friends who jokingly said that they'd produce babies for me ... in about 10 or 15 years, I may ask for that joking promise to be fulfilled! BWAH HA HA!
ew, vagina.
I'll get this pathetic teaching degree just as a stepping stone. I never want to step foot into a high school unless I'm the advisor to their GSA and somehow involved with both the Tennis and Cross Country Team. Oh, don't forget the young Pagans united club (or whatever they call it). If the Christians can have it, so will we! But that means I have to give up on so many other destinies. What about a translator for the UN? What about government liason for francophone countries? What about a small pagan supplies shop and tarot readings? What about stay at home dad with kids (yes plural) while my amazing life partner works an amazing job? What about that crazy college professor who teaches AMAZING classes that intellectual students love to take and the mindless collegiate fear? What about ruling the world and fully enforcing separation of church and state? There's always being a chef or masseur ...
The future means sacrifice. I used to think that having a future meant building up strength and assets ... but now I realize that it means choosing paths that destroy countless other paths; all in the blind hopes of doing something decent with one's life (and if one is intelligent) moving the world one step closer to something more whole and healthy.
Or I could just get drunk, fuck a lot of gay/bi out/closeted boys, go to the gym far too frequently and waste my life on far too many materialistic goals. Whichevs, =)
I thank the gods daily and nightly for having these options. I've been given a strong body and a mind 10x stronger to deal with this world. Whether the entire world dies or not, I will survive and thrive. It might be lonely ... but I refuse to lose anything more.
And now I’m tired of sounding pathetic and ranty ... so ... *huggle* bye.