Lunch Time!!!
i dreamt about him again last night. i dont know where to go with this. the dream felt like it was real. i just want it to be real. i want him, i love him, i always have and i probably always will. i woke up depressed as shit just like i always do when i find out it was just a dream. i hate it. i want to leave and find some happiness somewhere. somewhere my heart lies and will be taken care of not taken advantage of. im so depressed to day and i want to cry and just curl up into a ball and let it all go. all my sanity, all my reasoning, all my judgements... everything let it fall like rain from my eyes. *sigh* why do i feel like this. i feel like he left me all over again and im in a whrilwind with no end. everything is a blurr. save me from this inferno with your shivalry and courage. please, i dont want to hurt anymore. im just so unhappy and i've just become accustomed to it and i dont know what can bring me out of it? what is it that can save me now. it just hit me that if he were to try and call he wouldn't be able to cuz i have a new number. how am i going to get through to him now? im torn. i dont know if it is better to be like i was when i was in high school; wild, crazy, rude, outspoken; or the way i am now; reserved, boring, responsible. what am i going to tell patrick and jake if they every ask why i married the idiot that i did? how do i respond? i hate this i hate feeling depressed and angry all the damn time. i hate feeling such disdain for a person. its just way too much negative energy to get rid of. all the excess that remains just builds and builds and i never can get it all out. so what do i do... vent here. it isn't enough but i'll take what i can when i can. is it so wrong for me to be happy? is this punishment for something that i have done? i mean i know that i have bitch like tendancies, but i figured we all did. maybe i was wrong and now im paying for all my indescressions. well i guess there is only two things that are certain in this world... DEATH AND TAXES.