shit feeling
i feel like shit right now and i really dont know what to do to climb out of this shit. i mean i dont even know where it came from. maybe its just me. im exhausted right now. seriously i am and i dont know what else i can take. i feel like calapsing and just staying asleep for a week. i know why dont get me wrong i really do. its everything finally leaving my body (if youk know what i mean). and that is like 5 months worth. i feel like screaming and crying and rocking myself, curling up into a ball and just feeling sorry for myself. why i dont know. what am i sorry for... who knows really. I've been thinking about my dad alot lately. i reall miss him. and i can't get him out of my head. i'm usually able to just block his memory from my head rather well but lately i dont know why i haven't been able to. everything seems to remind me of him. toys that he gave to the boys, things he used to say, they way he would sit. i remember sitting there and staring at his hands and telling myself that if nothing else i would remember his hands. they were always so facinating to me. long, the perfect tan, the perfect nail at the end, veins poping out giving them the image that he is a strong man. very stern and firm in his word. steardy. i always thought that you can choose a good man just by looking at their hands. polished and perfect hands soft, well kept means that they are pampered, prolly mama's boys. rugged, chaffing, dirty nails; usually means that they dont have any self respect and that they work way too hard for pennies. but sometimes you find those perfect hands that combine the perfect amount of both. the balance and i always believed that my dad posessed those hands. he never took care of his hands (as in manicure) but you would never see him with dirty nails. no matter what he always cleaned them and he wouldn't let anyone touch his hands to clean them for him or do a manicure. he had his own way of doing it. and that was that. i miss that. i used to touch his hand and they would be cold but he was always sweating (prolly cuz of the diabetes) but it always amazed me. i miss him so much!!!