Somewhere to put this.
I've had to let go of the notion that this journal will somehow catalog my life's events in such a way that someone reading it will be able to re-live my greatest and most heartbreaking moments. It used to be that, I think. It's not anymore. Mostly, as I stated last time I wrote 6 months ago, it is a place where I put words that just need to come out and can't wait. And mostly, those words come out when I should be doing other things that are bigger priorities. Or bigger, more acceptable priorities. (Like what I'm supposed to be doing right now, which is finalizing grades and lesson-planning.)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about mental health this past year. How I think I've come to struggle with the issues I struggle with. How my treatment or lack thereof of these issues has heretofore affected my well-being. I think I take pretty good care of myself physically. I work out regularly. Watch what I eat. TRY to get more rest (though it never seems to be enough).
I think this year might be my year to suck it up and try to address some of the mental health issues I struggle with. I have to be honest, I have spent enough time in prayer, contemplation, and discussion with my sister that I am pretty sure I know where most of these issues come from. The problem I have is how. to. get. past. it. Or is it that I will never get past it? I just don't know. So since I don't know and can't figure it out on my own and am too prideful/ignorant/busy/noncommital/afraid to go see someone, I just kind of tread water until some wave comes to dunk me.
This all kind of came to the forefront for me recently when I finally realized that these things were affecting how close I could feel with my husband. Some other body issues and self-esteem issues, but mostly that we didn't see eye-to-eye on whether or not we wanted another child together. I think we have been able to discuss those more and have been feeling much more connected (which happened recently, and I may journal more about in detail but don't feel like it right now)... But the problem was that both of us have dealth with a lot more childhood/adolescent trauma than the average person and have not really worked through it all. We tend to put anything stressful or potentially controversial aside in favor of daily harmony. And don't get me wrong - we are blessedly free of most of your average marital arguments. We rarely do not see eye-to-eye, thanks to our shared faith and devotion to each other. This man completes me in all the ways and all the feels. He has the right to his fear of having another child for lots of reasons, which is why I haven't pushed it. But so, too, do I have a right to my deep-seated, unshakeable longing for another child of my own... I think.
I've tried to get rid of it, or whatever the mental equivalent of that might be. Prayer, Bible study, talking with confidants, talking with family. Each leads me to a different feeling: Grandma says I shouldn't, my sister says "it's hard," the Bible says more kids are better, etc. etc. Anyway, the point is.... I don't want to want another child. I really don't. And yet, I do. And I hate to admit that I want it to be a baby that I can grow and nurse myself. I have always had a heart for adoption, but my heart is just... always picturing another toe-headed babe who steals our hearts again and who B gets to snuggle and boss around in equal parts. Okay, hopefully less bossing and more snuggling. More teamwork, more sibling love and solidarity. I just want that so, so much for her. (I know she has Ben and Katie. But I am also not ignorant of the fact that they will just never be that for her for so many reasons, even though they do love her.)
So anyway, the original intention for this was to put some words down about my feelings today. A few weeks ago, I realized that we had possibly put ourselves in a I-might-be-pregnant situation. Neither of us freaked out, and the conversation that ensued was glorious and an answer to my prayers in a lot of ways.
Since then, I have secretly been counting the days until my period was supposed to start because I thought maybe, just maybe it would happen and we could just not worry anymore. We could just do it, and then it would be done, and this issue would be replaced with the other issues you deal with while pregnant, nursing, and raising an infant. Things we've done before and survived fine. And while I know everyone tells me it's "harder" with 2, I just don't know if "hard" is a reason not to have one. I just don't. Most of the hard things are what makes them impactful, are what yield growth, even if the "hard" is painful. I guess. And since then, I've been having hot flashes, spent last week feeling slightly nauseous in the morning, my hormones have been nuts, and have been dealing with extra exhaustion... So that small tendril of hope had threaded its way through my circulation, leaving in its wake a little more joy than usual, a little more spring in my step, a little bit of fear, but a lot more possibilities. A lot more of a word that means more than joy. Just, more than joy. Joy plus. Joy to the power of joy. I'm serious. It sounds silly, but I just have to write it down because I can't hold it in and I just don't want to talk about it with anyone because I can't believe how strong it really was. It increased when my Fitbit told me my period was supposed to start yesterday, but it didn't.
So, the shortest version of this entry is that I felt it this morning when I woke up. I got up to go to the bathroom, not wanting to plead but still pleading that it wasn't what I thought it was. But, there it was. I didn't cry. I still haven't, though I want to. I've teared up some, like right now. I put in a tampon. I felt kind of numb. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, but I'm mostly numb. I keep wondering if I need to tell Keith, but I don't think I do. He hasn't asked, but he'll see the evidence in the bathroom trash the next time he takes it out.
I go through that experience every month. There, I said it. Even when we've been a lot more careful than we were a few weeks ago or not as active and the timing is totally off and there is really no reason for me to think I could be pregnant. I don't think anyone else knows this, or at least knows that it happens to me every month and has since I started having my period again after B. I started wanting another child when she was not quite 6 months old, and I haven't stopped. Not once, even when I've tried to shut it out, convince myself otherwise, pray it away, talk it away, listen to "reason," anything. I've been telling myself that I am of "advanced maternal age" now and shouldn't risk it, shouldn't put Keith in the situation that I know he fears, should just be happy with the glorious, larger-than-life result of our previous pregnancy. B is everything I could have imagined and more. So why. can't. I. just. be. happy with that? I want to be. I really, really, want to be. It has even lessened over the last few months, truly. I almost thought that I was at a point where I was okay with it.... A few weeks ago. Then, this all happened, and I just...
This time, though, I really thought that was over. I've been going through the last few weeks thinking finally, finally I can stop feeling like this. What will we name her/him? Leah Ruth, or Samuel Bryan, or Lydia Ruth, or Nathaniel Richard. Keith really likes Samuel and wants to name him after his dad, too. Maybe he can have 2 middle names, because I want my uncle Rick to be a part of it. Samuel Bryan Richard Morris. Will I have the same symptoms as with B? Will B be excited? I hope Katie and Ben don't freak out. Wow, I'll have to get a sub for 2 months in the fall because the baby will be born in the beginning of October. How will that work out? I don't have to think about it. It is going to happen. What about the stuff we already got rid of or sold? That's okay, we'll find other people who can donate. This has already brought us closer. I can't wait for B to snuggle my belly. I wonder what she'll think when she feels him/her kick? I hope she doesn't get mad. I hope she likes being a big sister. I'm so excited. I wonder if the changes in my body will happen faster. Will my milk come in faster than last time? I'll be nursing will be easier since I'm not doing it for the first time anymore. I can't believe this. I am over the moon! I'll bet Keith is actually going to be more amazing this time even than he was with B. I love him! I'm so excited!
I was so excited.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about mental health this past year. How I think I've come to struggle with the issues I struggle with. How my treatment or lack thereof of these issues has heretofore affected my well-being. I think I take pretty good care of myself physically. I work out regularly. Watch what I eat. TRY to get more rest (though it never seems to be enough).
I think this year might be my year to suck it up and try to address some of the mental health issues I struggle with. I have to be honest, I have spent enough time in prayer, contemplation, and discussion with my sister that I am pretty sure I know where most of these issues come from. The problem I have is how. to. get. past. it. Or is it that I will never get past it? I just don't know. So since I don't know and can't figure it out on my own and am too prideful/ignorant/busy/noncommital/afraid to go see someone, I just kind of tread water until some wave comes to dunk me.
This all kind of came to the forefront for me recently when I finally realized that these things were affecting how close I could feel with my husband. Some other body issues and self-esteem issues, but mostly that we didn't see eye-to-eye on whether or not we wanted another child together. I think we have been able to discuss those more and have been feeling much more connected (which happened recently, and I may journal more about in detail but don't feel like it right now)... But the problem was that both of us have dealth with a lot more childhood/adolescent trauma than the average person and have not really worked through it all. We tend to put anything stressful or potentially controversial aside in favor of daily harmony. And don't get me wrong - we are blessedly free of most of your average marital arguments. We rarely do not see eye-to-eye, thanks to our shared faith and devotion to each other. This man completes me in all the ways and all the feels. He has the right to his fear of having another child for lots of reasons, which is why I haven't pushed it. But so, too, do I have a right to my deep-seated, unshakeable longing for another child of my own... I think.
I've tried to get rid of it, or whatever the mental equivalent of that might be. Prayer, Bible study, talking with confidants, talking with family. Each leads me to a different feeling: Grandma says I shouldn't, my sister says "it's hard," the Bible says more kids are better, etc. etc. Anyway, the point is.... I don't want to want another child. I really don't. And yet, I do. And I hate to admit that I want it to be a baby that I can grow and nurse myself. I have always had a heart for adoption, but my heart is just... always picturing another toe-headed babe who steals our hearts again and who B gets to snuggle and boss around in equal parts. Okay, hopefully less bossing and more snuggling. More teamwork, more sibling love and solidarity. I just want that so, so much for her. (I know she has Ben and Katie. But I am also not ignorant of the fact that they will just never be that for her for so many reasons, even though they do love her.)
So anyway, the original intention for this was to put some words down about my feelings today. A few weeks ago, I realized that we had possibly put ourselves in a I-might-be-pregnant situation. Neither of us freaked out, and the conversation that ensued was glorious and an answer to my prayers in a lot of ways.
Since then, I have secretly been counting the days until my period was supposed to start because I thought maybe, just maybe it would happen and we could just not worry anymore. We could just do it, and then it would be done, and this issue would be replaced with the other issues you deal with while pregnant, nursing, and raising an infant. Things we've done before and survived fine. And while I know everyone tells me it's "harder" with 2, I just don't know if "hard" is a reason not to have one. I just don't. Most of the hard things are what makes them impactful, are what yield growth, even if the "hard" is painful. I guess. And since then, I've been having hot flashes, spent last week feeling slightly nauseous in the morning, my hormones have been nuts, and have been dealing with extra exhaustion... So that small tendril of hope had threaded its way through my circulation, leaving in its wake a little more joy than usual, a little more spring in my step, a little bit of fear, but a lot more possibilities. A lot more of a word that means more than joy. Just, more than joy. Joy plus. Joy to the power of joy. I'm serious. It sounds silly, but I just have to write it down because I can't hold it in and I just don't want to talk about it with anyone because I can't believe how strong it really was. It increased when my Fitbit told me my period was supposed to start yesterday, but it didn't.
So, the shortest version of this entry is that I felt it this morning when I woke up. I got up to go to the bathroom, not wanting to plead but still pleading that it wasn't what I thought it was. But, there it was. I didn't cry. I still haven't, though I want to. I've teared up some, like right now. I put in a tampon. I felt kind of numb. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, but I'm mostly numb. I keep wondering if I need to tell Keith, but I don't think I do. He hasn't asked, but he'll see the evidence in the bathroom trash the next time he takes it out.
I go through that experience every month. There, I said it. Even when we've been a lot more careful than we were a few weeks ago or not as active and the timing is totally off and there is really no reason for me to think I could be pregnant. I don't think anyone else knows this, or at least knows that it happens to me every month and has since I started having my period again after B. I started wanting another child when she was not quite 6 months old, and I haven't stopped. Not once, even when I've tried to shut it out, convince myself otherwise, pray it away, talk it away, listen to "reason," anything. I've been telling myself that I am of "advanced maternal age" now and shouldn't risk it, shouldn't put Keith in the situation that I know he fears, should just be happy with the glorious, larger-than-life result of our previous pregnancy. B is everything I could have imagined and more. So why. can't. I. just. be. happy with that? I want to be. I really, really, want to be. It has even lessened over the last few months, truly. I almost thought that I was at a point where I was okay with it.... A few weeks ago. Then, this all happened, and I just...
This time, though, I really thought that was over. I've been going through the last few weeks thinking finally, finally I can stop feeling like this. What will we name her/him? Leah Ruth, or Samuel Bryan, or Lydia Ruth, or Nathaniel Richard. Keith really likes Samuel and wants to name him after his dad, too. Maybe he can have 2 middle names, because I want my uncle Rick to be a part of it. Samuel Bryan Richard Morris. Will I have the same symptoms as with B? Will B be excited? I hope Katie and Ben don't freak out. Wow, I'll have to get a sub for 2 months in the fall because the baby will be born in the beginning of October. How will that work out? I don't have to think about it. It is going to happen. What about the stuff we already got rid of or sold? That's okay, we'll find other people who can donate. This has already brought us closer. I can't wait for B to snuggle my belly. I wonder what she'll think when she feels him/her kick? I hope she doesn't get mad. I hope she likes being a big sister. I'm so excited. I wonder if the changes in my body will happen faster. Will my milk come in faster than last time? I'll be nursing will be easier since I'm not doing it for the first time anymore. I can't believe this. I am over the moon! I'll bet Keith is actually going to be more amazing this time even than he was with B. I love him! I'm so excited!
I was so excited.