Mother's Day dry spell.
I didn't go back and read the entries from Mother's Day like I usually do. I just find it so interesting that for the last few years, the strongest urge I've had to return here has mostly been this day. I was surprised to find that I didn't write at all last year... And then not so surprised as I remembered the hell my family and I were living at this time with the whole studio debauchle. Update on that: I am still so happy that I don't have to deal with that anymore. I have had admittedly many moments where I wonder why I did it at all and whether it was worth it. I still am not sure, which makes me sad.
I am not sure why I didn't write the year before (spring of 2016)... My guess is that maybe because I was ultra pregnant while trying to finish out the school year and the dance year at the same time? Mother's Day always falls at a terribly busy time in the school year AND it was during the dance year, too - ticket sales time.
But God Almighty, I just have no desire to talk about the studio or any of that. Maybe another entry.
So, the short of it is that I didn't write the last two years, but upon reflecting, realize that the last two springs have been ridiculously stressful and overwhelming.
Cue this year... Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. The 5 year anniversary. I feel like I shouldn't be sad anymore, or that I should be "done" being sad.... And yet, I can't fight those spiderweb touches of loneliness and sadness that kind of drift over me throughout the day. I want people to remember and care. I really wanted at least one of my friends at school to say something... especially Stephanie. I always mention the anniversary of her husband's death (the day before Mom's), and that was 15 years ago. I simultaneously want Keith to ask me about it and to hug me and hold me... but also to be alone. I wanted to both play with and cuddle B all evening, but also really wanted to get her to bed so I could not be around people at all. Yesterday and today, I spent lunch time in the dark of my classroom by myself (the other reason for that coming up) because I just didn't want to be around people. And yet... I put on a good front, even if I do say so myself. I do my damndest to make the kids feel loved, and important, and I joke with them, and compliment them, and dote on them, and laugh with them. And then, I'm so taxed out at night that I can barely be bothered to connect physically or emotionally with the ones who matter the most. Or rather, that is what this week has been like.
So, the other reason.... I had to take a few days off of work because of some crazy head symptoms. My eyeballs felt cottony and had a lot of pressure, were blurry.... I had headaches that came and went.... extreme fatigue, hair falling out, speech stumbling, more forgetful than normal.... Irritability, depression, extreme difficulty controlling my emotions.....I was worried enough to go to the doctor, but today is the first day in over a week I had any moments where I felt slightly normal. The doctor did several blood tests and they called me today to tell me they think I had a viral infection.... I mean, that has been what they've said every time they've taken my blood in like the last year because my WBC is always low, my lymphocytes are high and my neutrophils are low. Don't Google that, because leukemia comes up. Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake?
She also gave me stuff for migraines. First I was to buy some Excedrin Migraine formula. Took one dose and was crapping my brains out 4 hours later with extreme nausea and stomach cramping. Did not take that again. Could barely function yesterday. But the steroids she started me on yesterday must have kicked in somewhat today, because I do feel better. I had always pictured migraines being like, debilitating headaches that make it difficult to function. Well, I definitely have had a lot of difficulty functioning, but mostly because of all the symptoms combined together with a room of 30 hormonal, loud, summer-is-almost-here teenagers. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I thought maybe I was having a relapse of concussion symptoms, but the doctor didn't think so. In any case, if I really did have a migraine for more than a week... Pardon my language, but that shit ain't funny. I'm supposed to get a call to set up an MRI, but of course now I'm not sure I want to do that because I am starting to feel better. My grandma told me that migraines run in the family.... Wish I'd have known that before. I guess if it is the start of a long and sad journey of "migraining," the doctor can at least get me whatever I need to head it off at the turn instead of allowing it to take me down for more than a week (and that was with taking 2 days off of work around a weekend, so 4 days of rest... and still nothing until today).
Hmm. Maybe I just needed to feel like talking about what I'm feeling and not feeling like I'm burdening someone. I don't even know why I feel that way. I guess I just have trouble with fighting off those kinds of depression-like episodes around this time of year.
Well, I'm going to stop over to my baby's blog, then head to bed.
I am not sure why I didn't write the year before (spring of 2016)... My guess is that maybe because I was ultra pregnant while trying to finish out the school year and the dance year at the same time? Mother's Day always falls at a terribly busy time in the school year AND it was during the dance year, too - ticket sales time.
But God Almighty, I just have no desire to talk about the studio or any of that. Maybe another entry.
So, the short of it is that I didn't write the last two years, but upon reflecting, realize that the last two springs have been ridiculously stressful and overwhelming.
Cue this year... Today is the anniversary of my mom's death. The 5 year anniversary. I feel like I shouldn't be sad anymore, or that I should be "done" being sad.... And yet, I can't fight those spiderweb touches of loneliness and sadness that kind of drift over me throughout the day. I want people to remember and care. I really wanted at least one of my friends at school to say something... especially Stephanie. I always mention the anniversary of her husband's death (the day before Mom's), and that was 15 years ago. I simultaneously want Keith to ask me about it and to hug me and hold me... but also to be alone. I wanted to both play with and cuddle B all evening, but also really wanted to get her to bed so I could not be around people at all. Yesterday and today, I spent lunch time in the dark of my classroom by myself (the other reason for that coming up) because I just didn't want to be around people. And yet... I put on a good front, even if I do say so myself. I do my damndest to make the kids feel loved, and important, and I joke with them, and compliment them, and dote on them, and laugh with them. And then, I'm so taxed out at night that I can barely be bothered to connect physically or emotionally with the ones who matter the most. Or rather, that is what this week has been like.
So, the other reason.... I had to take a few days off of work because of some crazy head symptoms. My eyeballs felt cottony and had a lot of pressure, were blurry.... I had headaches that came and went.... extreme fatigue, hair falling out, speech stumbling, more forgetful than normal.... Irritability, depression, extreme difficulty controlling my emotions.....I was worried enough to go to the doctor, but today is the first day in over a week I had any moments where I felt slightly normal. The doctor did several blood tests and they called me today to tell me they think I had a viral infection.... I mean, that has been what they've said every time they've taken my blood in like the last year because my WBC is always low, my lymphocytes are high and my neutrophils are low. Don't Google that, because leukemia comes up. Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake?
She also gave me stuff for migraines. First I was to buy some Excedrin Migraine formula. Took one dose and was crapping my brains out 4 hours later with extreme nausea and stomach cramping. Did not take that again. Could barely function yesterday. But the steroids she started me on yesterday must have kicked in somewhat today, because I do feel better. I had always pictured migraines being like, debilitating headaches that make it difficult to function. Well, I definitely have had a lot of difficulty functioning, but mostly because of all the symptoms combined together with a room of 30 hormonal, loud, summer-is-almost-here teenagers. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I thought maybe I was having a relapse of concussion symptoms, but the doctor didn't think so. In any case, if I really did have a migraine for more than a week... Pardon my language, but that shit ain't funny. I'm supposed to get a call to set up an MRI, but of course now I'm not sure I want to do that because I am starting to feel better. My grandma told me that migraines run in the family.... Wish I'd have known that before. I guess if it is the start of a long and sad journey of "migraining," the doctor can at least get me whatever I need to head it off at the turn instead of allowing it to take me down for more than a week (and that was with taking 2 days off of work around a weekend, so 4 days of rest... and still nothing until today).
Hmm. Maybe I just needed to feel like talking about what I'm feeling and not feeling like I'm burdening someone. I don't even know why I feel that way. I guess I just have trouble with fighting off those kinds of depression-like episodes around this time of year.
Well, I'm going to stop over to my baby's blog, then head to bed.