(no subject)
God, I have been updating like crazy. I wonder what that says about my social life in South Florida.
Anyway.
Of course, this entry is about him. I remember I sent him some song lyrics that made me think of him during last semester...and these lyrics have come back to haunt me. "Without You" from RENT. It really is true: the world is going to keep on spinning, but the world inside my head is on pause for him.
I keep on crying. I keep on wanting to talk to him.
He moved today to a new apartment. I sent him a text message hoping that the move went well. Then I tried calling him tonight and he didn't answer.
Sometimes I am filled with so much emotion that I could burst. I can't talk to my family about these problems; my gay "problem" (they would probably say it was a problem if they said what was really on their minds) is not a topic of choice in my home. My mom, step-dad, sisters (Melissa and Kelly), and brother-in-law were all at dinner on Friday night at Outback. That day, my sister and I had a huge argument...I cursed her out (ie. "NO FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE A BITCH. FUCK YOU!"). It was awful. But, I had said I was sorry to her before dinner. So, throughout the whole dinner, I felt so out of place. I felt like I was my own small table, and this family was sitting next to me eating. At one point, the topic of last New Year's Eve came up and Melissa told them about how I had to hide out in the bathroom for like two hours because people were trying to taze me. When she did, the whole table erupted with laughter. I felt like crying right then. In fact, I excused myself to the bathroom and did just that. I came back to the table and my mom could tell something was wrong with me, but I avoided it. At one point, I told her "It's not Melissa or what happened on New Year's." I didn't tell her what it really was. It was Patrick. It's always been Patrick. He's been the only thing my mind has been set on. Everything about him, I've been thinking about. The smallest things, like why he got that tattoo. Or the fact that he still has my teabag tin. I can still map out his whole apartment, even the fact that he had a Harry Potter novel on one end table in his living room. I remember doing shotguns with him. I remember almost beating him in Star Wars: Empire At War with the Death Star. I remember reading his books on Wican. I remember walking Sadie with him for the first time. I miss those times. I want more of those times. I want those times to never end. Never. I am in such pain over this. I never knew I could feel this much pain. Bullet wounds could never hurt this much. I still have two pairs of his boxers in my bag. I still have the rose he gave me. His name is still written on my pants. I still remember his character name on Star Wars Galaxies, Desoo. I have such positive memories of him and it really hurts thinking that I won't make more with him. I want to. I want to so badly. I actually wish Mark was here. Mark for some reason helps a lot. So does Stefanie. Those two, though they disagree on a lot, are very similar in my opinion. I guess that's it.
Anyway.
Of course, this entry is about him. I remember I sent him some song lyrics that made me think of him during last semester...and these lyrics have come back to haunt me. "Without You" from RENT. It really is true: the world is going to keep on spinning, but the world inside my head is on pause for him.
I keep on crying. I keep on wanting to talk to him.
He moved today to a new apartment. I sent him a text message hoping that the move went well. Then I tried calling him tonight and he didn't answer.
Sometimes I am filled with so much emotion that I could burst. I can't talk to my family about these problems; my gay "problem" (they would probably say it was a problem if they said what was really on their minds) is not a topic of choice in my home. My mom, step-dad, sisters (Melissa and Kelly), and brother-in-law were all at dinner on Friday night at Outback. That day, my sister and I had a huge argument...I cursed her out (ie. "NO FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE A BITCH. FUCK YOU!"). It was awful. But, I had said I was sorry to her before dinner. So, throughout the whole dinner, I felt so out of place. I felt like I was my own small table, and this family was sitting next to me eating. At one point, the topic of last New Year's Eve came up and Melissa told them about how I had to hide out in the bathroom for like two hours because people were trying to taze me. When she did, the whole table erupted with laughter. I felt like crying right then. In fact, I excused myself to the bathroom and did just that. I came back to the table and my mom could tell something was wrong with me, but I avoided it. At one point, I told her "It's not Melissa or what happened on New Year's." I didn't tell her what it really was. It was Patrick. It's always been Patrick. He's been the only thing my mind has been set on. Everything about him, I've been thinking about. The smallest things, like why he got that tattoo. Or the fact that he still has my teabag tin. I can still map out his whole apartment, even the fact that he had a Harry Potter novel on one end table in his living room. I remember doing shotguns with him. I remember almost beating him in Star Wars: Empire At War with the Death Star. I remember reading his books on Wican. I remember walking Sadie with him for the first time. I miss those times. I want more of those times. I want those times to never end. Never. I am in such pain over this. I never knew I could feel this much pain. Bullet wounds could never hurt this much. I still have two pairs of his boxers in my bag. I still have the rose he gave me. His name is still written on my pants. I still remember his character name on Star Wars Galaxies, Desoo. I have such positive memories of him and it really hurts thinking that I won't make more with him. I want to. I want to so badly. I actually wish Mark was here. Mark for some reason helps a lot. So does Stefanie. Those two, though they disagree on a lot, are very similar in my opinion. I guess that's it.