autopilot?
in 22 days, i'll be 30 years old. i have no idea how this happened, but i can assure you that it was a mistake, and i am working to rectify the problem. assuming i find the error in my math, i'll be well on my way to 25.
large swaths seem to be in arrested development, and i can feel / have felt for a while, the outgoing nature diminishing. it's (partially) why i drink as much as i do. i don't have the guts i used to have, and the creeping sense of disappointment and failure or impending failure and embarrassment ensures i drink to avoid it. this drinking habit then ensures more embarrassment and failure, and so .. what was i saying about circular logic?
i am quite lucky. i have an excellent job with great pay, excellent benefits, and essentially zero debt (about 2,000, give or take; certainly less than most graduates). i just have this enormous guilt and sense of wrongdoing. when i speak with people, it's through a filter that i am increasingly aware of and increasingly slow to react to or hide. this means my interactions are more awkward, and my responses less authentic.
first world problems, i know. would that a person in a worse position than mine be able to switch places, they might find my particular predicament laughable and illusory. i find it totally crippling. i avoid social gatherings, going so far as to buy gift cards for people to apologize for flaking out on social events i was invited to out of friendship and kindness. despicable.
no music anymore, no writing. no need and no compulsion. nothing to express, because i don't know what's there anymore. just an ice-lock, and my frozen reaction, a permanent O shape of the mouth, surprised as i am that .. i am going to be thirty in less than a month and don't like the place i'm in.
this journal contains entries of mine going back ten years. TEN YEARS. do you know what i see when i read through them? a lot of repeated whining. a lot of re-runs. syndication. phoning it in. a lot of guilt and blame. when i look back even ten years, i feel like a lot of my life has been wasted in poor emotion and self pity. and here i am choreographing another pity parade.
i'm just frustrated, because i can see all the wrong decisions, but i can't seem to understand the NEXT STEPS that will be GOOD decisions. i can't seem to break out of this fucking loop, even though i want to so much. what's interesting is this: my primary interest, though out my teen years and into today has been technology. i think i like technology because i can understand it; i know it better than most of the people around me, and indeed, that's my profession and livelihood. but when i think about the me of ten years ago, minus his iPhone, minus his knowledge of computers and networks and structures, there's not really much difference between myself at 20 and myself at 30. what exactly does that say about my priorities?
what should i do to resolve that? i am so afraid to see a shrink, because i'd have to explain myself. i'd have to change something and take drugs that i am afraid to take. i hate this mental state, but at least i know it's my own, created by me. who is the person that is guided by a chemical tide?
clearly, though, i'm not able to right the course, and so maybe autopilot might be a better choice for the time being. at least it's something to consider.
large swaths seem to be in arrested development, and i can feel / have felt for a while, the outgoing nature diminishing. it's (partially) why i drink as much as i do. i don't have the guts i used to have, and the creeping sense of disappointment and failure or impending failure and embarrassment ensures i drink to avoid it. this drinking habit then ensures more embarrassment and failure, and so .. what was i saying about circular logic?
i am quite lucky. i have an excellent job with great pay, excellent benefits, and essentially zero debt (about 2,000, give or take; certainly less than most graduates). i just have this enormous guilt and sense of wrongdoing. when i speak with people, it's through a filter that i am increasingly aware of and increasingly slow to react to or hide. this means my interactions are more awkward, and my responses less authentic.
first world problems, i know. would that a person in a worse position than mine be able to switch places, they might find my particular predicament laughable and illusory. i find it totally crippling. i avoid social gatherings, going so far as to buy gift cards for people to apologize for flaking out on social events i was invited to out of friendship and kindness. despicable.
no music anymore, no writing. no need and no compulsion. nothing to express, because i don't know what's there anymore. just an ice-lock, and my frozen reaction, a permanent O shape of the mouth, surprised as i am that .. i am going to be thirty in less than a month and don't like the place i'm in.
this journal contains entries of mine going back ten years. TEN YEARS. do you know what i see when i read through them? a lot of repeated whining. a lot of re-runs. syndication. phoning it in. a lot of guilt and blame. when i look back even ten years, i feel like a lot of my life has been wasted in poor emotion and self pity. and here i am choreographing another pity parade.
i'm just frustrated, because i can see all the wrong decisions, but i can't seem to understand the NEXT STEPS that will be GOOD decisions. i can't seem to break out of this fucking loop, even though i want to so much. what's interesting is this: my primary interest, though out my teen years and into today has been technology. i think i like technology because i can understand it; i know it better than most of the people around me, and indeed, that's my profession and livelihood. but when i think about the me of ten years ago, minus his iPhone, minus his knowledge of computers and networks and structures, there's not really much difference between myself at 20 and myself at 30. what exactly does that say about my priorities?
what should i do to resolve that? i am so afraid to see a shrink, because i'd have to explain myself. i'd have to change something and take drugs that i am afraid to take. i hate this mental state, but at least i know it's my own, created by me. who is the person that is guided by a chemical tide?
clearly, though, i'm not able to right the course, and so maybe autopilot might be a better choice for the time being. at least it's something to consider.