"The Stripper's Maid"...
This was originally posted on Emily's journal, but I had to share our conversation...
(By the way, all spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes have remained... because they are amazing... especially extra question marks.)
Original post:
What's gonorrhea and why does it Burn? *sigh* I love formulating conceptions about people I do not know.
Marie let me borrow all her back-issues of the Torchwood magazines and of course I ate up the Owen-themed interviews.
Burn Gorman continues to be the most adorable person ever, especially since he behaves as Owen's polar opposite. And says things like, "Well that was just a bundle of laughs!", "I'm very fortunate to be able to keep a finger in every pie.", and "That was the most preposterous thing I have ever done."
Burn, FYI no one talks like that, you sweet, incorruptible, darling man.
<33333333333
...This is only heart-warming because I obsess. But really, Burn-in-real-life is so anti-Owen, that davidishot and I have decided he is naive to the point of social-impairment. Honestly he must speak in a constant, timid falsetto, and keep rainbows in his bedroom to cheer him each morning.
When the time comes to do Owen's sex scenes, the crew fears for his moral standing and they're forced to lie to him about the true nature of the script.
Ultimatley, we decided that during "Adam", Burn wasn't even acting. They just called him to the set during a free point in his schedule and let him react to the proceedings.
"Naoko, the revealing cut of your cardigan makes me feel peculiar inside. Of my pants."
My reply:
EMILY, GILLIAN ANDERSON DOES NOT GET RAPED BY BURN GORMAN. OR ANY OF HIS CHARACTERS. EVER. THAT WOULD NOT MAKE THEM FRIENDS.
...you know, unless it was Ianto, because he rapes his friends.
In addition, I also keep rainbows in my room.
*starts infomercial*
"oh it is SO hard to wake up in the morning. I wish I had a rainbow to cheer me up and give me a bundle of laughs.... oh wait! I do! If only I could reach it.... thankfully I have my robot hand to help me reach the switch for the rainbow machine!"
There is a lot of Owen (aka Burn) from "Adam" on this page, and not nearly enough Ianto love, so I give you:
...I LOVE Ianto...especially when he shoves his fingers up his nose.
And:
Because Owen is Ianto tested and approved.
and I have used every other picture from "Adam" already.
Emily's reply:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT HE DOESN'T RAPE HER I ONLY SAW 1/8TH OF 'BLEAK HOUSE' AND GILLIAN ANDERSON GETS RAPED IN EVERYTHING SHE'S IN. SHE GETS RAPED BY THE ENTIRE PARTNERSHIP OF KENGE AND CARBOYS.
That was a lot of capslock.
You can';t come shopping with me this weekend because I have to buy you the robot hand for Christmas without you seeing.
So we can be Lisa and hold hands. Robotically.
I don't know why I said 'we'. I am far too mature to purchase a robot hand for myself.
Anyway, good job Marie, I think you're the best. You make the funniest damn infomericals I've ever experienced. Also, Ianto shoving his fingers up his nose cleary implies that he wanted Martha to remove Owen's brain ancient-Egypt style in "Dead Man Walking".
But since I talk about Owen too much... *starts movie preview*
"In a world...where actors don't act anything like the characters they play..comes an odd couple just trying to get by.
Burn: I dunno why I'm playing the stripper in this movie, Gareth. I don't know what a stripper is.
Gareth: Fuck you, Burn. I don't want to be your fucking maid. This dress rides up my ass like Ben. Now stand fucking still so I can tie your hair up while you walk. Or else I'm going to go get pissed and you can do your own laundry.
Burn: Your language hurts my ears.
Gareth: That's whaty your mom said last night.
--Gareth David Lloyd and Burn Gorman in:
THE STRIPPER'S MAID--.
COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU."
My response:
HOW STUPID OF ME. I FORGOT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY A DVD.
ALSO, MULDER RAPES SCULLY, THAT BASTARD!
Capslock is beebee jesus.
...and Jack Harkness aka god.
You know you want a robot hand, don't deny your love of it! You are just calling me immature because you are jealous of the fact that Ianto is a scarecrow without his pumpkin head, while Owen wasn't at the mall. Of course that is probably because he is in the trunk of your car. You really should try to look harder during naked hide and seek.
Owen is the sexiest mummy ever. Well, second after Janet, because she makes one fabulous mummy for Halloween!
YOU SAID "ODD COUPLE" AND I (WAS LIKE) "LOL, GILLIAN ANDERSON IS AMAZING AND HAS NO CONCEPT OF YOU!
Gareth is one fucking sexy French maid for Burn, the most naive stripper in the world ("What is sex? Huh? Why do I always have this in my scripts and no other actor on the entire show does? It is always so awkward when I have to get my sex-stunt man in here...").
Ben likes it in the ass. Like Ianto. And Burn too. If he knew what that implied anyways.
I have decided that "The Stripper's Maid" is also being released on Nov. 14th, just so I will explode a little more. And that Daniel Craig is one of the other strippers in the film. Simply due to how amazing that would be.
Anyways, Gareth is far too drunk all of the time to help Burn teach John Barrowman things. Like clapping. Which is apparently a very challenging practice if you are from the Boeshane Peninsula. Just ask Gay, he can't even play the harmonica!
P.S.
Emily, I think YOUR the best!
Emily:
I don't know how to play a DVD. :(
Burn was going to teach me but he's too bust teaching Barrowman about The Clap. I mean, clapping. And God knows that will take for-ev-er.
Gay could've played the harmonica if he'd learned how to run and not fall on his face. Burn was trying to teach him too, but goddamn, his brother just has no rhythm.
Owen wasn't at the mall. But his zebra pajamas were.
I'm going to steal you the Ianto scarecrow for Christmas (I will stick the robot arm up his shirtsleeve) and he will be real awkward for Shanikqua. Especially when you talk to him/do him.
(P.S. He is in the Torchwood sex toys kit)
Gareth is the best FRENCH MAID EVER. But not French cuz you hate French. Welsh maid. And he wears tight jeans and not a frily dress. Which he later removes for his Burn, & Daniel's performance of "You Can Leave Your Hat On".
I would write to the BBJesusC and request they film "The Stripper's Maid" but I wasted my only piece of paper on James Marsters. :(
Me:
Good job Emily, you're the best.
It is a trading of knowledge on the Torchwood set, Burn teaches John how to clap and in return, John teaches Burn about sex and The Clap. Who says you don't learn things from (working on) television.
Stupid transvestite Gay, if he could run then maybe John Barrowman could act. Ouch, that was below the belt. which is what John likes.
...God, I am just starting all sorts of moronic sexual references aren't I?
Owena nd Gwen and everyone else from Torchwood shops in Oshkosh. Why? Because Oshkosh is Cardiff and everyone is dead except that one guy. Who the weevil kills. Damn. Oh well, at least we still have The Fragments Store.
OMG GARETH WOULD BE ONE SEXY WELSH MAID!
Burn would ask, "Where's my sheep? I can't find my sheep!"
And Gareth would say, "I don't know, but I look real hot in jeans... ad so does Daniel Craig. Let us dance with you."
Burn would reply, "Okay. I like dancing."
And he would then be confused by stripping, because he is fabulously naive even about his own profession.
And I would definitely do that Ianto scarecrow.... even if it doesn't have a head. Which, is quite freaky when I think about it. I plan to take many pictures of me on the scarecrows lap when we go back next weekend... and doing other things.
Too bad you wasted your paper on Captain John, otherwise you could have used it to ask for Burn to come back... or you know, things like free chips and soda. Or a free Torchwood sex toys kit. With added John Barrowman and rape spray.
Emily:
WE WRITE THE BEST COMMENTS EVER WE SHOULD BE PAID FOR THIS.
I just realized (I am way too tired or else I would've caught this before) that gonorrhea IS The Clap. Our inside joke just went full-circle.
"What's gonorrhea and why does it Burn Gorman can Clap."
It's a sad story. He doesn't even know what a stripper is and yet he's contracting and carrying STDs.
I can picture Daniel and Gareth all sweaty and sexy and half-undressed, grinding on Burn, who's completely lost and overwhelmed and clinging to the stripper pole and whimpering.
And then, in a heroic act of fate, John Barrowman catches Daniel and Gareth's attention--BY CLAPPING, loudly, and yells, "Hey, don't grind on him! He has the Clap! See? So do I?"
Leave it to John Barrowman to kill the mood. Although I think he saved Burn from a double-team rape, so it's okay.
Dear James Marsters,
May I have my piece of paper back please, I'd like to write to Burn.
Love,
Emily
P.S. Hey, where'd this new piece of paper come from!?
Me... again:
The image of Gareth and Daniel grinding poor Burn while he is clinging to the stripper pole is the most sensational thing I have ever read. Seriously. I have a tear in my eye. (No, really, I was laughing so hard I was crying in my left eye....ad no Adam, I don't need your help!)
John: "See? So do I?" - God, I love typos so much. Mostly because John is now confused as to whether or not he as the Clap. I think he forgot that coat sex is safe sex.
John Barrowman is a bastard for making Burn miss out on sex with Gareth AND Daniel. Poor guy. Oh well, he can go home to his children. Oh wait, those aren't his children! They are Adam's. Why? Because Adam is one of the only men who has sex with Tosh, and she MUST be his wife because he is too awkward and adorable (like kittens and camels) to marry anyone else.
P.S.
We should really mail that letter to John Barrowman this year. And we should still pretend to be a small child who isn't allowed to watch Torchwood. And the randomly slip in a picture of Ianto and Jack in the hothouse and ask him to explain what is going on. And sign it from burn Gorman.
Emily...:
THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST IDEA EVER.
We need to rewrite the John Barrowman letter in crayon though.
And then John Barrowman will call Burn and go "Um. You are not funny."
And Burn will cry because he NEVER knows what's going on, and this was THE LAST STRAW-- he didn't even write John Barrowman that stupid letter.
Burn getting taken advantage of by two large and incredibly sexy men makes me sob on the inside. He has the hips of a twelve-year-old, he can't take them!!!
I'm sorry I made you cry-- but Owen's yelling in "Exit Wounds" made Toshiko cry, but she stole Jamie away from his parents so she could be a mother. But not The Mother, because that's a heartbreaking Daniel Criag movie and will really make you cry.
And only you could think camels are adorable. They are right up there with chimpanzees under my I-love-these-animals-but-they're-ugly category.
Oh wait. What about chimpanzees?
Is it bad that I knew exactly which page of the 'Adam' screencaps to retrieve this from?
Me:
Teaching John Barrowman how to clap ALWAYS becomes a Burn punch fest. By John Barrowman, Gareth, Daniel, Gay, and all the crew members who were a little too excited to throw dirt on John's face during the filming of "Exit Wounds". Also, the Face of Boe.
Who is not he same person as Jack. Why? Because I don't pay attention during "Last of the Timelords".
Emily:
(You made me venture into "Fragments" territory to find this screencap. Grr.)
THE CAPSLOCK MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
BURN GORMAN IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.
SO PLEASE DO NOT REPEATEDLY SMASH HIS HEAD INTO THE INSIDE OF A FREEZER.
" LISTEN, I don't know what's going on. EVER! SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Also Emily:
" No, really guys, I understand. You're just having a real hard time learning to clap. My punctured lung? It's okay. My brain damage. It's okay? The blindness in my left eye? It's okay. Just...can we not wear the steel-toed boots tomorrow?"
Me:
"Who is searhing for you?"
Is that a question?
We all know that Ianto is secretly The Doctor.... so he can find me! Even if he has no head....
And me:
P.S.
When I am bored at 2 in the morning I plan to listen to Burn reading an audio book. And laugh through the whole thing because it is Burn and he is the most naive men in the world. I am so excited!
Emily:
Marie, this post has exhausted me of my Burn love for tonight.
I have to change my desktop background and when I get in the truck tomorrow I'm going to punch visor!Burn in the face.
No just kidding.
But for real if I had a dollar for everytime we said 'Burn', I could buy us plane tickets to Wales.
I LOVE HIM AND HIS QUESTION-MARK-INDUCING BRAIN DAMAGE SO MUCH. AND HEADLESS IANTO.
*stumbles upon a new blank sheet of paper*
P.S. Daniel Craig's outfit and glasses in "Enduring Love" are the same as Adam!Owen's.
(By the way, all spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes have remained... because they are amazing... especially extra question marks.)
Original post:
What's gonorrhea and why does it Burn? *sigh* I love formulating conceptions about people I do not know.
Marie let me borrow all her back-issues of the Torchwood magazines and of course I ate up the Owen-themed interviews.
Burn Gorman continues to be the most adorable person ever, especially since he behaves as Owen's polar opposite. And says things like, "Well that was just a bundle of laughs!", "I'm very fortunate to be able to keep a finger in every pie.", and "That was the most preposterous thing I have ever done."
Burn, FYI no one talks like that, you sweet, incorruptible, darling man.
<33333333333
...This is only heart-warming because I obsess. But really, Burn-in-real-life is so anti-Owen, that davidishot and I have decided he is naive to the point of social-impairment. Honestly he must speak in a constant, timid falsetto, and keep rainbows in his bedroom to cheer him each morning.
When the time comes to do Owen's sex scenes, the crew fears for his moral standing and they're forced to lie to him about the true nature of the script.
Ultimatley, we decided that during "Adam", Burn wasn't even acting. They just called him to the set during a free point in his schedule and let him react to the proceedings.
"Naoko, the revealing cut of your cardigan makes me feel peculiar inside. Of my pants."
My reply:
EMILY, GILLIAN ANDERSON DOES NOT GET RAPED BY BURN GORMAN. OR ANY OF HIS CHARACTERS. EVER. THAT WOULD NOT MAKE THEM FRIENDS.
...you know, unless it was Ianto, because he rapes his friends.
In addition, I also keep rainbows in my room.
*starts infomercial*
"oh it is SO hard to wake up in the morning. I wish I had a rainbow to cheer me up and give me a bundle of laughs.... oh wait! I do! If only I could reach it.... thankfully I have my robot hand to help me reach the switch for the rainbow machine!"
There is a lot of Owen (aka Burn) from "Adam" on this page, and not nearly enough Ianto love, so I give you:
...I LOVE Ianto...especially when he shoves his fingers up his nose.
And:
Because Owen is Ianto tested and approved.
and I have used every other picture from "Adam" already.
Emily's reply:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT HE DOESN'T RAPE HER I ONLY SAW 1/8TH OF 'BLEAK HOUSE' AND GILLIAN ANDERSON GETS RAPED IN EVERYTHING SHE'S IN. SHE GETS RAPED BY THE ENTIRE PARTNERSHIP OF KENGE AND CARBOYS.
That was a lot of capslock.
You can';t come shopping with me this weekend because I have to buy you the robot hand for Christmas without you seeing.
So we can be Lisa and hold hands. Robotically.
I don't know why I said 'we'. I am far too mature to purchase a robot hand for myself.
Anyway, good job Marie, I think you're the best. You make the funniest damn infomericals I've ever experienced. Also, Ianto shoving his fingers up his nose cleary implies that he wanted Martha to remove Owen's brain ancient-Egypt style in "Dead Man Walking".
But since I talk about Owen too much... *starts movie preview*
"In a world...where actors don't act anything like the characters they play..comes an odd couple just trying to get by.
Burn: I dunno why I'm playing the stripper in this movie, Gareth. I don't know what a stripper is.
Gareth: Fuck you, Burn. I don't want to be your fucking maid. This dress rides up my ass like Ben. Now stand fucking still so I can tie your hair up while you walk. Or else I'm going to go get pissed and you can do your own laundry.
Burn: Your language hurts my ears.
Gareth: That's whaty your mom said last night.
--Gareth David Lloyd and Burn Gorman in:
THE STRIPPER'S MAID--.
COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU."
My response:
HOW STUPID OF ME. I FORGOT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY A DVD.
ALSO, MULDER RAPES SCULLY, THAT BASTARD!
Capslock is beebee jesus.
...and Jack Harkness aka god.
You know you want a robot hand, don't deny your love of it! You are just calling me immature because you are jealous of the fact that Ianto is a scarecrow without his pumpkin head, while Owen wasn't at the mall. Of course that is probably because he is in the trunk of your car. You really should try to look harder during naked hide and seek.
Owen is the sexiest mummy ever. Well, second after Janet, because she makes one fabulous mummy for Halloween!
YOU SAID "ODD COUPLE" AND I (WAS LIKE) "LOL, GILLIAN ANDERSON IS AMAZING AND HAS NO CONCEPT OF YOU!
Gareth is one fucking sexy French maid for Burn, the most naive stripper in the world ("What is sex? Huh? Why do I always have this in my scripts and no other actor on the entire show does? It is always so awkward when I have to get my sex-stunt man in here...").
Ben likes it in the ass. Like Ianto. And Burn too. If he knew what that implied anyways.
I have decided that "The Stripper's Maid" is also being released on Nov. 14th, just so I will explode a little more. And that Daniel Craig is one of the other strippers in the film. Simply due to how amazing that would be.
Anyways, Gareth is far too drunk all of the time to help Burn teach John Barrowman things. Like clapping. Which is apparently a very challenging practice if you are from the Boeshane Peninsula. Just ask Gay, he can't even play the harmonica!
P.S.
Emily, I think YOUR the best!
Emily:
I don't know how to play a DVD. :(
Burn was going to teach me but he's too bust teaching Barrowman about The Clap. I mean, clapping. And God knows that will take for-ev-er.
Gay could've played the harmonica if he'd learned how to run and not fall on his face. Burn was trying to teach him too, but goddamn, his brother just has no rhythm.
Owen wasn't at the mall. But his zebra pajamas were.
I'm going to steal you the Ianto scarecrow for Christmas (I will stick the robot arm up his shirtsleeve) and he will be real awkward for Shanikqua. Especially when you talk to him/do him.
(P.S. He is in the Torchwood sex toys kit)
Gareth is the best FRENCH MAID EVER. But not French cuz you hate French. Welsh maid. And he wears tight jeans and not a frily dress. Which he later removes for his Burn, & Daniel's performance of "You Can Leave Your Hat On".
I would write to the BBJesusC and request they film "The Stripper's Maid" but I wasted my only piece of paper on James Marsters. :(
Me:
Good job Emily, you're the best.
It is a trading of knowledge on the Torchwood set, Burn teaches John how to clap and in return, John teaches Burn about sex and The Clap. Who says you don't learn things from (working on) television.
Stupid transvestite Gay, if he could run then maybe John Barrowman could act. Ouch, that was below the belt. which is what John likes.
...God, I am just starting all sorts of moronic sexual references aren't I?
Owena nd Gwen and everyone else from Torchwood shops in Oshkosh. Why? Because Oshkosh is Cardiff and everyone is dead except that one guy. Who the weevil kills. Damn. Oh well, at least we still have The Fragments Store.
OMG GARETH WOULD BE ONE SEXY WELSH MAID!
Burn would ask, "Where's my sheep? I can't find my sheep!"
And Gareth would say, "I don't know, but I look real hot in jeans... ad so does Daniel Craig. Let us dance with you."
Burn would reply, "Okay. I like dancing."
And he would then be confused by stripping, because he is fabulously naive even about his own profession.
And I would definitely do that Ianto scarecrow.... even if it doesn't have a head. Which, is quite freaky when I think about it. I plan to take many pictures of me on the scarecrows lap when we go back next weekend... and doing other things.
Too bad you wasted your paper on Captain John, otherwise you could have used it to ask for Burn to come back... or you know, things like free chips and soda. Or a free Torchwood sex toys kit. With added John Barrowman and rape spray.
Emily:
WE WRITE THE BEST COMMENTS EVER WE SHOULD BE PAID FOR THIS.
I just realized (I am way too tired or else I would've caught this before) that gonorrhea IS The Clap. Our inside joke just went full-circle.
"What's gonorrhea and why does it Burn Gorman can Clap."
It's a sad story. He doesn't even know what a stripper is and yet he's contracting and carrying STDs.
I can picture Daniel and Gareth all sweaty and sexy and half-undressed, grinding on Burn, who's completely lost and overwhelmed and clinging to the stripper pole and whimpering.
And then, in a heroic act of fate, John Barrowman catches Daniel and Gareth's attention--BY CLAPPING, loudly, and yells, "Hey, don't grind on him! He has the Clap! See? So do I?"
Leave it to John Barrowman to kill the mood. Although I think he saved Burn from a double-team rape, so it's okay.
Dear James Marsters,
May I have my piece of paper back please, I'd like to write to Burn.
Love,
Emily
P.S. Hey, where'd this new piece of paper come from!?
Me... again:
The image of Gareth and Daniel grinding poor Burn while he is clinging to the stripper pole is the most sensational thing I have ever read. Seriously. I have a tear in my eye. (No, really, I was laughing so hard I was crying in my left eye....ad no Adam, I don't need your help!)
John: "See? So do I?" - God, I love typos so much. Mostly because John is now confused as to whether or not he as the Clap. I think he forgot that coat sex is safe sex.
John Barrowman is a bastard for making Burn miss out on sex with Gareth AND Daniel. Poor guy. Oh well, he can go home to his children. Oh wait, those aren't his children! They are Adam's. Why? Because Adam is one of the only men who has sex with Tosh, and she MUST be his wife because he is too awkward and adorable (like kittens and camels) to marry anyone else.
P.S.
We should really mail that letter to John Barrowman this year. And we should still pretend to be a small child who isn't allowed to watch Torchwood. And the randomly slip in a picture of Ianto and Jack in the hothouse and ask him to explain what is going on. And sign it from burn Gorman.
Emily...:
THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST IDEA EVER.
We need to rewrite the John Barrowman letter in crayon though.
And then John Barrowman will call Burn and go "Um. You are not funny."
And Burn will cry because he NEVER knows what's going on, and this was THE LAST STRAW-- he didn't even write John Barrowman that stupid letter.
Burn getting taken advantage of by two large and incredibly sexy men makes me sob on the inside. He has the hips of a twelve-year-old, he can't take them!!!
I'm sorry I made you cry-- but Owen's yelling in "Exit Wounds" made Toshiko cry, but she stole Jamie away from his parents so she could be a mother. But not The Mother, because that's a heartbreaking Daniel Criag movie and will really make you cry.
And only you could think camels are adorable. They are right up there with chimpanzees under my I-love-these-animals-but-they're-ugly category.
Oh wait. What about chimpanzees?
Is it bad that I knew exactly which page of the 'Adam' screencaps to retrieve this from?
Me:
Teaching John Barrowman how to clap ALWAYS becomes a Burn punch fest. By John Barrowman, Gareth, Daniel, Gay, and all the crew members who were a little too excited to throw dirt on John's face during the filming of "Exit Wounds". Also, the Face of Boe.
Who is not he same person as Jack. Why? Because I don't pay attention during "Last of the Timelords".
Emily:
(You made me venture into "Fragments" territory to find this screencap. Grr.)
THE CAPSLOCK MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
BURN GORMAN IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.
SO PLEASE DO NOT REPEATEDLY SMASH HIS HEAD INTO THE INSIDE OF A FREEZER.
" LISTEN, I don't know what's going on. EVER! SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Also Emily:
" No, really guys, I understand. You're just having a real hard time learning to clap. My punctured lung? It's okay. My brain damage. It's okay? The blindness in my left eye? It's okay. Just...can we not wear the steel-toed boots tomorrow?"
Me:
"Who is searhing for you?"
Is that a question?
We all know that Ianto is secretly The Doctor.... so he can find me! Even if he has no head....
And me:
P.S.
When I am bored at 2 in the morning I plan to listen to Burn reading an audio book. And laugh through the whole thing because it is Burn and he is the most naive men in the world. I am so excited!
Emily:
Marie, this post has exhausted me of my Burn love for tonight.
I have to change my desktop background and when I get in the truck tomorrow I'm going to punch visor!Burn in the face.
No just kidding.
But for real if I had a dollar for everytime we said 'Burn', I could buy us plane tickets to Wales.
I LOVE HIM AND HIS QUESTION-MARK-INDUCING BRAIN DAMAGE SO MUCH. AND HEADLESS IANTO.
*stumbles upon a new blank sheet of paper*
P.S. Daniel Craig's outfit and glasses in "Enduring Love" are the same as Adam!Owen's.