(no subject)
So I definitely haven't written here in awhile. And I don't really have time to say much now, but I need to vent for a minute or two, and LiveJournal seemed like the place to do that. So here we go...
Life never ceases to be interesting. Nevertheless, I finally seem to be reaching a balancing point. Perhaps a change of scenery was needed, if only for a day. I went to New York for the day with my best friends, Kelsey and Tiffany, as well as Kelsey's boyfriend and one of Tiffany's guyfriends. It was certainly a lot of fun. And it finally seemed to click for me. An understanding. Of who, and what, I need to be. I finally see that I need to focus, stop living completely in the present. What inspired all of this? Well, it was both NYC itself, as well as someone we met up with in New York, Alina. The city itself reminded me that there is much of the world that I've never seen, and I must make sure not to close my eyes to it. I had been settling into a routine, with work, with life. And being in NYC was something new. To be in the capital of the world, as it's called, reminded me that I must really think of the future. The world is there for the taking. And I need to focus so I can take it. That's what seeing Alina taught me too. She was there checking into a possible internship with Bank of America. And...well, it just taught me that I have been limiting myself too much.
Don't get me wrong, though. I don't regret anything I've done. I don't have regrets. Regrets are pointless. What's done is done, and all we can do is learn from them and move on. I don't regret going to Temple, living at home, etc. It was the right decision for me, and despite all my threatening about a change...that would not be the right move. I am, first and foremost, too much the Philadelphian. New York was amazing, and I look forward to going back, but I belong on Broad St, not Broadway. I belong in Philly. It's my home, and I have no real desire to be anywhere. I entertain ideas about leaving, going somewhere new, maybe New York, or Boston, or Washington, and maybe one day I will. Or maybe I won't. I don't really care. I could live my whole life living here, and I would not feel deprived. I want to see the rest of the world, of course, but Philly is my home. And Temple is my school. Perhaps it's in my blood. My dad got all three of his degrees there. My mom went there. I understand that now. Some of my favorite memories are tied to Temple. I know that school inside and out. I knew every building, every nook and cranny, long before I became a student. Broad St does not scare me, I've been driving down it since I was 3. I belong there. And though there are people I miss (a list that seems to keep shrinking, however), I am content. Lin told me a little while ago that I should try to live on campus at some point, because I am just missing something by commuting. But I don't see it that way. Not anymore. I have no interest in being the "college kid." I am going to college for one reason only, and that's to get that little piece of paper that will be my ticket to a more successful life, financially at least. The parties, the "college life"...you can keep them. I'm not interesting. I could never be confined to a campus, my existence that of a student. The most important lessons aren't learned in a classroom, nor in a dorm. They are learned by living, by seeking knowledge. The classes...they're just grades, credits, a GPA. I am not sad that I commuted. I am happy I did. I have met some amazing people, and I've learned a lot. My eyes were opened to things I would not have known had I gone to Ursinus, for example. I have seen life from different perspectives, and I certainly don't regret that. And of course, I am extremely grateful to have found two friends as amazing as Kelsey and Tiffany. No remorse, no regrets.
The Buddha taught that one should not anticipate. So I no longer worry about the future. This seems contradictory to what I said earlier, about focusing on the future. But I do not believe that it is. I am mindful of the future, but it does consume me. I have become much more confident. Go back and reread my old entries. I do not need to, I know what they say. They were written by the old me. At our age, change comes quick. I am vastly different than I was before, and I know that I'll change yet again. You now and you 4-months ago can be completely different people. And so it is. All of my old insecurities are gone, or at least mostly. Elements of them remain, but nothing that I can't handle. For some reason, I think New York changed that as well. I have come to accept what may. It seems to me like the trip to New York had two parts. First was the trip itself, the friends, the sights, which was some of the most fun I've ever had. And second there was the mental realignment, which I feel was definitely needed. To give an example, I'm still single. And even a week ago, that bothered me, a lot. Now...I feel confident that I will find someone, and that until that happens, I'm just going to have fun, and enjoy myself. I feel the need to say that I'm not looking for love, just some fun. Perhaps that makes me sound like an asshole. In a sense, I'd accept a "friend with benefits," but if I find a relationship...well, that's fine too. Whatever happens, happens.
It worries me when I realize that I'm becoming the "elder statesman." It seems like I am becoming that. But I suppose that I don't mind. It's flattering, and I've always been a better listener anyway. I don't share well. But I'm willing to listen to someone's problems, and offering my two cents. That's what friends are for, after all.
There is one final thing that needs to be mentioned. While in New York, we went to the World Trade Center site. I believe that everyone who can, American and not, should go there. For me...it was not an easy time. But it was necessary. There is something about seeing a hole where once stood two of the largest buildings in the world, to stand in the rebuilt transportaion center and know that a few hundred feet up...It is hard to imagine 2500 people dying. In fact, it is almost impossible. But I found it impossible to be there, to look out at the construction work and not feel...a sense of loss. Foreboding. I do not believe in ghosts. But memory will haunt that ground for a long time...
Life never ceases to be interesting. Nevertheless, I finally seem to be reaching a balancing point. Perhaps a change of scenery was needed, if only for a day. I went to New York for the day with my best friends, Kelsey and Tiffany, as well as Kelsey's boyfriend and one of Tiffany's guyfriends. It was certainly a lot of fun. And it finally seemed to click for me. An understanding. Of who, and what, I need to be. I finally see that I need to focus, stop living completely in the present. What inspired all of this? Well, it was both NYC itself, as well as someone we met up with in New York, Alina. The city itself reminded me that there is much of the world that I've never seen, and I must make sure not to close my eyes to it. I had been settling into a routine, with work, with life. And being in NYC was something new. To be in the capital of the world, as it's called, reminded me that I must really think of the future. The world is there for the taking. And I need to focus so I can take it. That's what seeing Alina taught me too. She was there checking into a possible internship with Bank of America. And...well, it just taught me that I have been limiting myself too much.
Don't get me wrong, though. I don't regret anything I've done. I don't have regrets. Regrets are pointless. What's done is done, and all we can do is learn from them and move on. I don't regret going to Temple, living at home, etc. It was the right decision for me, and despite all my threatening about a change...that would not be the right move. I am, first and foremost, too much the Philadelphian. New York was amazing, and I look forward to going back, but I belong on Broad St, not Broadway. I belong in Philly. It's my home, and I have no real desire to be anywhere. I entertain ideas about leaving, going somewhere new, maybe New York, or Boston, or Washington, and maybe one day I will. Or maybe I won't. I don't really care. I could live my whole life living here, and I would not feel deprived. I want to see the rest of the world, of course, but Philly is my home. And Temple is my school. Perhaps it's in my blood. My dad got all three of his degrees there. My mom went there. I understand that now. Some of my favorite memories are tied to Temple. I know that school inside and out. I knew every building, every nook and cranny, long before I became a student. Broad St does not scare me, I've been driving down it since I was 3. I belong there. And though there are people I miss (a list that seems to keep shrinking, however), I am content. Lin told me a little while ago that I should try to live on campus at some point, because I am just missing something by commuting. But I don't see it that way. Not anymore. I have no interest in being the "college kid." I am going to college for one reason only, and that's to get that little piece of paper that will be my ticket to a more successful life, financially at least. The parties, the "college life"...you can keep them. I'm not interesting. I could never be confined to a campus, my existence that of a student. The most important lessons aren't learned in a classroom, nor in a dorm. They are learned by living, by seeking knowledge. The classes...they're just grades, credits, a GPA. I am not sad that I commuted. I am happy I did. I have met some amazing people, and I've learned a lot. My eyes were opened to things I would not have known had I gone to Ursinus, for example. I have seen life from different perspectives, and I certainly don't regret that. And of course, I am extremely grateful to have found two friends as amazing as Kelsey and Tiffany. No remorse, no regrets.
The Buddha taught that one should not anticipate. So I no longer worry about the future. This seems contradictory to what I said earlier, about focusing on the future. But I do not believe that it is. I am mindful of the future, but it does consume me. I have become much more confident. Go back and reread my old entries. I do not need to, I know what they say. They were written by the old me. At our age, change comes quick. I am vastly different than I was before, and I know that I'll change yet again. You now and you 4-months ago can be completely different people. And so it is. All of my old insecurities are gone, or at least mostly. Elements of them remain, but nothing that I can't handle. For some reason, I think New York changed that as well. I have come to accept what may. It seems to me like the trip to New York had two parts. First was the trip itself, the friends, the sights, which was some of the most fun I've ever had. And second there was the mental realignment, which I feel was definitely needed. To give an example, I'm still single. And even a week ago, that bothered me, a lot. Now...I feel confident that I will find someone, and that until that happens, I'm just going to have fun, and enjoy myself. I feel the need to say that I'm not looking for love, just some fun. Perhaps that makes me sound like an asshole. In a sense, I'd accept a "friend with benefits," but if I find a relationship...well, that's fine too. Whatever happens, happens.
It worries me when I realize that I'm becoming the "elder statesman." It seems like I am becoming that. But I suppose that I don't mind. It's flattering, and I've always been a better listener anyway. I don't share well. But I'm willing to listen to someone's problems, and offering my two cents. That's what friends are for, after all.
There is one final thing that needs to be mentioned. While in New York, we went to the World Trade Center site. I believe that everyone who can, American and not, should go there. For me...it was not an easy time. But it was necessary. There is something about seeing a hole where once stood two of the largest buildings in the world, to stand in the rebuilt transportaion center and know that a few hundred feet up...It is hard to imagine 2500 people dying. In fact, it is almost impossible. But I found it impossible to be there, to look out at the construction work and not feel...a sense of loss. Foreboding. I do not believe in ghosts. But memory will haunt that ground for a long time...