A Long Overdue Thanks
I have always tried to make it seem like most things don't bug me, and that it takes a lot for anything to even bring me down. That I have always been pretty happy-go-lucky. Though, some of you may remember the one post I wrote almost exactly a year ago ( http://davidaw.livejournal.com/125740.html ).
Well, there is also something else I really haven't told anyone. Since I was about 13 or 14 years old, for some reason, I started to just feel numb inside, It could of been how I thought about myself or many numerous things. I didn't feel any emotions at all, and pretty much lived my life day by day. Though, no one really knew about this, because I pretty much just pretended to be happy, heck, I even pretended to be sad. Nothing really effected me. I had no emotion to drive me to do things. I'd only do things that I thought a good person would do without any of the emotional "good feelings" a person would get for doing those things. Very rarely would I feel anything, and that was normally self-hatred or the sting of words that people would say to make themselves better by putting others down.
I was basically dead inside. That was probably one of the reasons I attempted suicide all of those times.
Not even after "coming out" did the numbness go away. It was still there. Ever since this emptiness first showed up, I put on a show about being happy or sad or mad, when the truth was I didn't give a shit about anything. I figured that I would live like that for the rest of my life.
This was all until around June of 2004. Around that time was the first time I contacted Shaun on his journal. After a while of chatting back and forth through the comments, we contacted each other through AIM. Through these AIM conversations, I'm not sure how he did it, but I actually started to feel emotions again. A little at first, but the more I talked to him, the greater the emotion I started to feel. Soon I was feeling ecstatically happy again. It felt weird at first, since it was so long ago since I felt anything remotely positive, but it felt really good. It was through talking with Scyler that I feel like I have become emotionally stable again. I truly don't know what I would do without him.
Shaun, even though you don't read this journal, I want to state that there are no words that are adequate enough to explain how much I'm thankful to you, so I'll just make it simple. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Shaun.
I love you!
Well, there is also something else I really haven't told anyone. Since I was about 13 or 14 years old, for some reason, I started to just feel numb inside, It could of been how I thought about myself or many numerous things. I didn't feel any emotions at all, and pretty much lived my life day by day. Though, no one really knew about this, because I pretty much just pretended to be happy, heck, I even pretended to be sad. Nothing really effected me. I had no emotion to drive me to do things. I'd only do things that I thought a good person would do without any of the emotional "good feelings" a person would get for doing those things. Very rarely would I feel anything, and that was normally self-hatred or the sting of words that people would say to make themselves better by putting others down.
I was basically dead inside. That was probably one of the reasons I attempted suicide all of those times.
Not even after "coming out" did the numbness go away. It was still there. Ever since this emptiness first showed up, I put on a show about being happy or sad or mad, when the truth was I didn't give a shit about anything. I figured that I would live like that for the rest of my life.
This was all until around June of 2004. Around that time was the first time I contacted Shaun on his journal. After a while of chatting back and forth through the comments, we contacted each other through AIM. Through these AIM conversations, I'm not sure how he did it, but I actually started to feel emotions again. A little at first, but the more I talked to him, the greater the emotion I started to feel. Soon I was feeling ecstatically happy again. It felt weird at first, since it was so long ago since I felt anything remotely positive, but it felt really good. It was through talking with Scyler that I feel like I have become emotionally stable again. I truly don't know what I would do without him.
Shaun, even though you don't read this journal, I want to state that there are no words that are adequate enough to explain how much I'm thankful to you, so I'll just make it simple. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Shaun.
I love you!