You did it to yourself...
Well, let me see, what have I missed? I have missed 3 1/2 years of my daughter growing up 'cause I was too tired, or too this, or too that. Now I get to mostly watch her grow up from the outside looking in. I get to hear about birthday parties being thrown and how much fun everyone had at them. I get to miss out on seeing my daughter smile because she is having a wonderful time. Only four words make these feelings that I am feeling bearable... "I love you, Daddy." It makes me cry inside (and sometimes on the outside too) every time I hear her say that. People don't know what it is to really love someone until they have a child. Someone who depends on them to take care of them, to love them, to just be there for them. It's unconditional love. I get so moody because I miss that child so much when she is not with me. How did things come to be like this? Why me?
I think my growing up had a lot to do with it. All the alcoholism and abuse I endured throughout my growing up probably contributed a lot to it. I think that when you go through what I have been through it will either kill you or make you stronger... I am not sure what it has done for me yet. 23 years old and I still am having trouble finding out who I am and what I am about and who I am supposed to be. I know part of it... be a good father, a good dad. I thought I was supposed to be a wonderful husband... I thought at times I was... but in the end it wasn't enough, my all wasn't enough. I look at the life I am leading and I can't come up with anything more to do. My hands are tied and I can't escape these things I feel. I am so lost. I don't know which way to go. I have had another person put into my life that feels the same way... probably not to the degree in which I do, but the same nonetheless. So believe me... I know what you mean when you say that you are scared. I am scared of getting hurt again, 'cause I always get hurt. I am scared of getting attached because I don't want to get hurt. I am afraid to let myself go. Do you want to know why I am so afraid? I am so afraid because I think that I could actually be happy. I am afraid to be happy because I am afraid of losing it because I know what it is like to be happy... and it's been a long time since I have felt like that... Hell, it's been a long time since I have felt this good, and that's saying something. This person makes me feel good about myself, the way that my ex-wife used to make me feel before we grew apart. It's such an uncertain thing right now. I feel like I am a third wheel. I feel like I am nothing but someone to talk to, spend time with, be intimate with when that other person in her life is not there. I don't want to open up, I don't want to experience this hurt again. I will not do it. I can't. I feel like I am starting to somewhat get things back on track, but then it all comes crashing down because I start feeling things I haven't felt in a while... the butterflies, the uncertainty, the knowing look, looking past the wall that is put up and knowing exactly how you feel. It's probably what frustrates me so much... The fact that I can see how most people feel about things by looking into their eyes... ah, maybe I am just seeing what I want to see. Maybe there is nothing there... there was nothing there with Wendy... and I searched her long and hard. I see in her eyes what I have seen for about 6 or 7 months now, what I thought was love really wasn't. I thought things were "okay" but they obviously weren't. That'll teach me to look for things that aren't there, and then to keep pursuing them. Maybe this hurt will teach me a lesson, if it doesn't kill me, I guess it will make me stronger, right?
Sing with me,
Sing for the years,
Sing for the laughter,
Sing for the tears.
I think my growing up had a lot to do with it. All the alcoholism and abuse I endured throughout my growing up probably contributed a lot to it. I think that when you go through what I have been through it will either kill you or make you stronger... I am not sure what it has done for me yet. 23 years old and I still am having trouble finding out who I am and what I am about and who I am supposed to be. I know part of it... be a good father, a good dad. I thought I was supposed to be a wonderful husband... I thought at times I was... but in the end it wasn't enough, my all wasn't enough. I look at the life I am leading and I can't come up with anything more to do. My hands are tied and I can't escape these things I feel. I am so lost. I don't know which way to go. I have had another person put into my life that feels the same way... probably not to the degree in which I do, but the same nonetheless. So believe me... I know what you mean when you say that you are scared. I am scared of getting hurt again, 'cause I always get hurt. I am scared of getting attached because I don't want to get hurt. I am afraid to let myself go. Do you want to know why I am so afraid? I am so afraid because I think that I could actually be happy. I am afraid to be happy because I am afraid of losing it because I know what it is like to be happy... and it's been a long time since I have felt like that... Hell, it's been a long time since I have felt this good, and that's saying something. This person makes me feel good about myself, the way that my ex-wife used to make me feel before we grew apart. It's such an uncertain thing right now. I feel like I am a third wheel. I feel like I am nothing but someone to talk to, spend time with, be intimate with when that other person in her life is not there. I don't want to open up, I don't want to experience this hurt again. I will not do it. I can't. I feel like I am starting to somewhat get things back on track, but then it all comes crashing down because I start feeling things I haven't felt in a while... the butterflies, the uncertainty, the knowing look, looking past the wall that is put up and knowing exactly how you feel. It's probably what frustrates me so much... The fact that I can see how most people feel about things by looking into their eyes... ah, maybe I am just seeing what I want to see. Maybe there is nothing there... there was nothing there with Wendy... and I searched her long and hard. I see in her eyes what I have seen for about 6 or 7 months now, what I thought was love really wasn't. I thought things were "okay" but they obviously weren't. That'll teach me to look for things that aren't there, and then to keep pursuing them. Maybe this hurt will teach me a lesson, if it doesn't kill me, I guess it will make me stronger, right?
Sing with me,
Sing for the years,
Sing for the laughter,
Sing for the tears.