Finally
Ok, it's over. Now here is what America should spend the next four years doing:
DEMOCRATS: make friends with Fox News. It's the only way to avoid another massively partisan, scorched-earth shitfest. They aren't going away and they are too big to ignore. Suck it up and make friends. Also, start grooming a few people for the 2016 ticket. Biden's been doing a great job being Obama's comic relief, but the election is over and he needs to put his big boy pants on now. He was an articulate man for decades but he's a little rusty. Convince Hillary Clinton to retire; she is very polarizing and she is unelectable for the same reason the Tea Party is. Never forget that her primary campaign was the source of all that "secret muslim" crap we have had to put up with for the last four years. Also, notice how fun it's been watching the NRA try to claim Obama was banning guns when he wasn't? Notice how you won elections when you promised not to? Keep that up, it's working.
REPUBLICANS- No matter who wins today, I guarantee Paul Ryan didn't bring in enough votes to have been worth it. Likewise, nobody swung to support Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney or Dan Quayle. And everyone slept through whoever Dole's #2 was. You keep putting forth VP picks that are aimed at repairing rifts in the party, rather than rifts in the electorate. We actually do pay attention to your VP picks, and the nation as a whole hasn't warmed up to one of yours since the 1980s. Try this: mention your prospective choices to some comedians. If they look too happy about it, you should pick someone else. Also, don't just pack the primaries with clowns again. Seriously, that was a bad move. Lastly, we know you are very religious, and we are mostly fine with that, but the hyperchristian people in your ranks are only attractive to your own party. They won't win, and the religious right will vote for your party even if you don't have a hyperchristian candidate.
THIRD PARTIES- Get more money. A lot more. If you don't have $200,000,000 by the summer of 2015, give up on the presidency. You keep up this sad fight every year, holding debates with yourself because you can't get invited to the real ones, talking about policy you will never implement and acting like you have a chance of getting 270 electoral votes when you are on the ballot in half a dozen states. We won't elect a president who is that bad at math or risk assessment. Here is what you CAN do: pour all your resources into races you can win. A US Senate seat can be won for as little as $6 million. That's a very powerful office and it lasts longer than the presidency. A House race can cost half that. Gubernatorial elections are more costly, at $20 million or so, but they bring with them an excellent chance to become visible leading a government, commanding a National Guard and dealing with crisis. Get a few House and Senate seats, use them to raise funds and awareness for a gubernatorial seat, and when you are strong enough as a party, THEN try a presidential campaign.
EVERYONE ELSE- Realize that most of our hatred at each other is manufactured. The half of the country you don't like is always going to be there. You can't change them, they can't change you, and you probably would quite enjoy having lunch with each other. Politics used to be considered impolite conversation at the dining table because otherwise friendly people would stab each other with forks. You are more than just the sum of your political stances, so ring up one of those bitterly divided family members and invite them over for a goddamn sandwich.
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