Probably the most interesting thing I'll ever post on my livejournal
Alright.
I hate talking about this stuff when it isn't in person. It almost always comes off wrong or something else happens, but I can't stand it anymore. Maybe it's the lack of the right song to shut me up, but a lot is about to come out...
If you've talked to me about any of this in the past couple of weeks or so, I've probably said that I was feeling really confused and didn't give much explanation as to why. Hopefully, this will give you all some insight. It mostly has to do with my inability to choose between what I think I should do logically, and what I think I should do emotionally.
First off, Chelsea. When I say I don't know what I want, that's not entirely true. I know exactly what I want. I just don't know how to get it or if it's even possible or a good idea. I would really like you and I to not be "you and I." I want you and I to be "us." And I want to be happy that way. But I don't think I should or can, because it just feels wrong sometimes, and I try really hard to convince myself that it wouldn't work. For example: The whole you and Chris thing really would be weird. I just don't want to have to worry about the whole distance thing. Lame reasons like that. But there are also better reasons. When I'm with you, I want to stay with you. I want to reach out and hold you. All that jazz. But then the next day, I think about it, and I realize that I don't really miss you that much. It feels like I could do without you. And that's not how I think it should be. I never felt that way about Ginny. We're broken up now. It still bothers me. I still miss her sometimes. Which brings me to Ginny. Ginny. I'm trying really hard, but I still haven't entirely gotten over us yet. I never got to really talk to you about it, and it bugs me. If you came up to me today and said you wanted to get back together, I would probably say yes. But I know that probably wouldn't work. I put a lot of effort into trying to get at least halfway over it. And I don't think that would ever go away enough for it to be as great as it was. Which, by the way, it was. Thank you. I have a lot of wonderful memories of you, and I'm glad to have them, even if there won't be more of them. I never said that to you. Now I have. That brings us back to Chelsea. I'm afraid that I don't like you because you're you. I'm afraid I like you because I'm lonely, and I don't want to take anything too far because I'm lonely and end up hurting you or anyone else. Basically, I don't want to be Aaron Senters. I probably would have kissed you if he weren't there that night to remind me of how much I don't want to be in the same situations he is. (Aaron. You know I don't mean to offend you by saying that. We've sorta talked about it before.) The Aaron Senters strategy (as I see it) is this: Aaron wanting something, getting it, and leaving it in the dust if he finds out he was wrong about really wanting it. I actually think he has the right idea by doing this, in many ways. He gets things done. He finds his answers. But I'm a little too much of a softy to do that.
I think I want a lot of things, but I don't know if they'll really make me happy, so I end up not doing anything because I don't want to hurt anyone.
For example: Jessie. I really like you. I have for a long time. I probably always will if I don't find a way to prove myself wrong. But I haven't yet. I just can't find anything wrong with you, except that we're friends. I never tried very hard to pursue a relationship with you, because I didn't want it to not be right and ruin what I think is a wonderful friendship. I really do care about your happiness. I hate hearing about all of your problems with other people and lies and back-stabbing when I feel like I could make it better. I feel like I could make you happy, and I have only ever lied to you about not loving you. I hope your knowing that doesn't change our relationship for the worse. Maybe we're as happy as we can be right now, as friends. I don't know.
I think that's all I want to say at this juncture. I hope this clears something up some. If it hasn't cleared anything up, or if it's made something even worse. I'm willing to talk about it via AIM. Although, I would much prefer to talk in person, or at the very least, on the phone. But if you read this on the night I'm posting it, please think everything over before talking to me, because (as you can tell) I'm thinking about enough right now already, and I don't need to sort out your problems too. At least not until I've thought more about my own.
I hate talking about this stuff when it isn't in person. It almost always comes off wrong or something else happens, but I can't stand it anymore. Maybe it's the lack of the right song to shut me up, but a lot is about to come out...
If you've talked to me about any of this in the past couple of weeks or so, I've probably said that I was feeling really confused and didn't give much explanation as to why. Hopefully, this will give you all some insight. It mostly has to do with my inability to choose between what I think I should do logically, and what I think I should do emotionally.
First off, Chelsea. When I say I don't know what I want, that's not entirely true. I know exactly what I want. I just don't know how to get it or if it's even possible or a good idea. I would really like you and I to not be "you and I." I want you and I to be "us." And I want to be happy that way. But I don't think I should or can, because it just feels wrong sometimes, and I try really hard to convince myself that it wouldn't work. For example: The whole you and Chris thing really would be weird. I just don't want to have to worry about the whole distance thing. Lame reasons like that. But there are also better reasons. When I'm with you, I want to stay with you. I want to reach out and hold you. All that jazz. But then the next day, I think about it, and I realize that I don't really miss you that much. It feels like I could do without you. And that's not how I think it should be. I never felt that way about Ginny. We're broken up now. It still bothers me. I still miss her sometimes. Which brings me to Ginny. Ginny. I'm trying really hard, but I still haven't entirely gotten over us yet. I never got to really talk to you about it, and it bugs me. If you came up to me today and said you wanted to get back together, I would probably say yes. But I know that probably wouldn't work. I put a lot of effort into trying to get at least halfway over it. And I don't think that would ever go away enough for it to be as great as it was. Which, by the way, it was. Thank you. I have a lot of wonderful memories of you, and I'm glad to have them, even if there won't be more of them. I never said that to you. Now I have. That brings us back to Chelsea. I'm afraid that I don't like you because you're you. I'm afraid I like you because I'm lonely, and I don't want to take anything too far because I'm lonely and end up hurting you or anyone else. Basically, I don't want to be Aaron Senters. I probably would have kissed you if he weren't there that night to remind me of how much I don't want to be in the same situations he is. (Aaron. You know I don't mean to offend you by saying that. We've sorta talked about it before.) The Aaron Senters strategy (as I see it) is this: Aaron wanting something, getting it, and leaving it in the dust if he finds out he was wrong about really wanting it. I actually think he has the right idea by doing this, in many ways. He gets things done. He finds his answers. But I'm a little too much of a softy to do that.
I think I want a lot of things, but I don't know if they'll really make me happy, so I end up not doing anything because I don't want to hurt anyone.
For example: Jessie. I really like you. I have for a long time. I probably always will if I don't find a way to prove myself wrong. But I haven't yet. I just can't find anything wrong with you, except that we're friends. I never tried very hard to pursue a relationship with you, because I didn't want it to not be right and ruin what I think is a wonderful friendship. I really do care about your happiness. I hate hearing about all of your problems with other people and lies and back-stabbing when I feel like I could make it better. I feel like I could make you happy, and I have only ever lied to you about not loving you. I hope your knowing that doesn't change our relationship for the worse. Maybe we're as happy as we can be right now, as friends. I don't know.
I think that's all I want to say at this juncture. I hope this clears something up some. If it hasn't cleared anything up, or if it's made something even worse. I'm willing to talk about it via AIM. Although, I would much prefer to talk in person, or at the very least, on the phone. But if you read this on the night I'm posting it, please think everything over before talking to me, because (as you can tell) I'm thinking about enough right now already, and I don't need to sort out your problems too. At least not until I've thought more about my own.