Undecided voters and picking the nose
Enough of you have bothered me to believe that there is sufficient enought demand for a Davelog update that it would be unwise to ignore the invisible hand of the marketplace.
To be honest, I work too much for anything all that interesting to happen. I do want to talk about a few things today.
First, a brief word on undecided voters. If someone tells you he or she is an undecided voter, then do not talk to them. They are deceitful bastards with low self-esteem. Undecided voters always announce the fact that they are undecided with a smug, self-satisfied smirk. Being an "undecided voter" somehow means that you're "discerning" and above the fray of partisan politics. Everyone's made up their mind, they just don't want to say so. It makes them feel different and special. Like, oh, people who've made up their minds are idiots. Me? I've got class. People who claim to be undecided voters are insecure attention seekers. They've got the mindset of a 12 year old girl. If I hint like I'm going to put out, then maybe the boys will like me. A conversation with a typical undecided voter:
Q: So, why are won't you vote for Bush?
A: I don't like his position on Iraq.
Q: Ok, so why won't you vote for Kerry?
A: I don't like his position on Iraq.
Q: Fair enough. What do YOU think we should do in Iraq?
A: I think taxes are too high. I also think that we should be spending more money on everything. Gay people make me uncomfortable. But I'm not a homophobe! Some of my best friends are gay!
Q: Really?
A: Uh, well, no. But I watched Will & Grace once.
Q: Great. But what about Iraq?
A: I'm against it
Q: So, you're against the war?
A: I'm not not for the war.
Q: I don't understand. Do you or do you not support the US intervention in Iraq?
A: How much longer is this going to take?
And so on and so forth. I hear people all the time say, "Well, I just don't know what the candidates' positions are, and that's why I'm undecided" as if it's President Bush's and Senator Kerry's fucking job to knock on your door and spend 3 hours shooting the shit with you. Pick up a fucking newspaper you lazy fucking assholes. Turn on the news while you're cooking dinner. Listen to the radio on your way to work. Christ all fucking mighty. The amount of willfull ignorance is unbelievable. To not know SOMETHING, ANYTHING about this election you'd have to be under a fucking rock with your fingers in your goddamn ears. In short, shut the fuck up and go vote. Stop pretending like being indecisive is some sort of fucking virtue.
Now for something completely different.
I generally use the Davelog to point out little things in my daily meanderings which intrigue me. I usually like these things to be subtle so as to make people take pause and think for a moment. However, the other day I saw something so completely WEIRD and UNsubtle that I must make note of it here.
I walked into a Starbucks the other day, as is my wont. (No shit, there are outside my office, two Starbucks cattycorner to each other. Like, 100 feet apart. And they're BOTH ALWAYS BUSY. It's like crack for white people.) I get on line. In front of me is this black women. Dressed normally. Seems about middle aged. She's facing the counter, so I only see the back of her head. Her hair is in a bun. Generally, from the back, seemed like your average person waiting on line for coffee. Then she turned around. What I saw will forever be etched into my memory. It was one of the most objectionable things I have EVER SEEN.
The woman had no nose. NO NOSE. I mean, just two nostril holes. That's it! It was unclear whether this was some sort of defect or whether she had plastic surgeried it out of existence. Frankly, I'd lean towards the latter, but you never know. Some cognitive scientists study facial features and which features are important in humans being able to recognize others as being who they are. I think the nose must be damn important in that because this woman looked FUCKING ODD. I mean, like nothing I've ever seen. And it was like a car-wreck. I didn't want to stare, but I could look away. I was transfixed by these nostrils. And a series of unanswered questions occurred to me:
What if she needed to wear glasses?
How does she express that a smell is bad without having a nose to wrinkle?
Does she need to plug up her nostril holes before jumping off the diving board?
How does she blow her 'nose'?
Does she look dumb when she tries to literally thumb her nose at people?
Does she feel awkward when people use turns of phrase involving the word "nose"?
Is she jealous when she sees people pick their nose?
I also got to thinking about noses. I feel kind of bad for them. First off, I want to say that I hate eyes. I think they get entirely too much recognition. "You have great eyes" is used so often as a hackneyed pickup line, but no on EVER says, "Wow, you've got a great nose." In fact, the only time we note the nose is to be critical of it. Who ever heard of someone having a "nice" nose? I think that's wrong. So, I say, we should all pick the nose! (Admit it, you had a smile on your face even as you groaned. Asshole.)
Alright. This will probably be it until after the election. I've been working incredibly hard and have absolutely no time for anything. Go vote for your guy, whoever it is, and get drunk on election day. That's what the founders of our country did. I say we continue their fine tradition.
To be honest, I work too much for anything all that interesting to happen. I do want to talk about a few things today.
First, a brief word on undecided voters. If someone tells you he or she is an undecided voter, then do not talk to them. They are deceitful bastards with low self-esteem. Undecided voters always announce the fact that they are undecided with a smug, self-satisfied smirk. Being an "undecided voter" somehow means that you're "discerning" and above the fray of partisan politics. Everyone's made up their mind, they just don't want to say so. It makes them feel different and special. Like, oh, people who've made up their minds are idiots. Me? I've got class. People who claim to be undecided voters are insecure attention seekers. They've got the mindset of a 12 year old girl. If I hint like I'm going to put out, then maybe the boys will like me. A conversation with a typical undecided voter:
Q: So, why are won't you vote for Bush?
A: I don't like his position on Iraq.
Q: Ok, so why won't you vote for Kerry?
A: I don't like his position on Iraq.
Q: Fair enough. What do YOU think we should do in Iraq?
A: I think taxes are too high. I also think that we should be spending more money on everything. Gay people make me uncomfortable. But I'm not a homophobe! Some of my best friends are gay!
Q: Really?
A: Uh, well, no. But I watched Will & Grace once.
Q: Great. But what about Iraq?
A: I'm against it
Q: So, you're against the war?
A: I'm not not for the war.
Q: I don't understand. Do you or do you not support the US intervention in Iraq?
A: How much longer is this going to take?
And so on and so forth. I hear people all the time say, "Well, I just don't know what the candidates' positions are, and that's why I'm undecided" as if it's President Bush's and Senator Kerry's fucking job to knock on your door and spend 3 hours shooting the shit with you. Pick up a fucking newspaper you lazy fucking assholes. Turn on the news while you're cooking dinner. Listen to the radio on your way to work. Christ all fucking mighty. The amount of willfull ignorance is unbelievable. To not know SOMETHING, ANYTHING about this election you'd have to be under a fucking rock with your fingers in your goddamn ears. In short, shut the fuck up and go vote. Stop pretending like being indecisive is some sort of fucking virtue.
Now for something completely different.
I generally use the Davelog to point out little things in my daily meanderings which intrigue me. I usually like these things to be subtle so as to make people take pause and think for a moment. However, the other day I saw something so completely WEIRD and UNsubtle that I must make note of it here.
I walked into a Starbucks the other day, as is my wont. (No shit, there are outside my office, two Starbucks cattycorner to each other. Like, 100 feet apart. And they're BOTH ALWAYS BUSY. It's like crack for white people.) I get on line. In front of me is this black women. Dressed normally. Seems about middle aged. She's facing the counter, so I only see the back of her head. Her hair is in a bun. Generally, from the back, seemed like your average person waiting on line for coffee. Then she turned around. What I saw will forever be etched into my memory. It was one of the most objectionable things I have EVER SEEN.
The woman had no nose. NO NOSE. I mean, just two nostril holes. That's it! It was unclear whether this was some sort of defect or whether she had plastic surgeried it out of existence. Frankly, I'd lean towards the latter, but you never know. Some cognitive scientists study facial features and which features are important in humans being able to recognize others as being who they are. I think the nose must be damn important in that because this woman looked FUCKING ODD. I mean, like nothing I've ever seen. And it was like a car-wreck. I didn't want to stare, but I could look away. I was transfixed by these nostrils. And a series of unanswered questions occurred to me:
What if she needed to wear glasses?
How does she express that a smell is bad without having a nose to wrinkle?
Does she need to plug up her nostril holes before jumping off the diving board?
How does she blow her 'nose'?
Does she look dumb when she tries to literally thumb her nose at people?
Does she feel awkward when people use turns of phrase involving the word "nose"?
Is she jealous when she sees people pick their nose?
I also got to thinking about noses. I feel kind of bad for them. First off, I want to say that I hate eyes. I think they get entirely too much recognition. "You have great eyes" is used so often as a hackneyed pickup line, but no on EVER says, "Wow, you've got a great nose." In fact, the only time we note the nose is to be critical of it. Who ever heard of someone having a "nice" nose? I think that's wrong. So, I say, we should all pick the nose! (Admit it, you had a smile on your face even as you groaned. Asshole.)
Alright. This will probably be it until after the election. I've been working incredibly hard and have absolutely no time for anything. Go vote for your guy, whoever it is, and get drunk on election day. That's what the founders of our country did. I say we continue their fine tradition.