Relationship blog...
I don't know what it is exactly making me feel the way I do. I do love Kylie and have at last started to become quite excited about having a baby together. I'm still very nervous but at least I am happy about it.
At the same time, I do have some very intense feelings for Lisa, and maybe (despite denying it in the past) I always have. No matter how much I do want to be with Kylie and make things work it seems the harder I try, the more something is pushing me to be closer to Lisa. Like I am being prevented from fully giving myself to Kylie because I'm not really meant to?!
When Kylie and I usually have an argument (usually about Lisa) it also makes me want to be around Lisa even more. I can't stand the conflict with Kylie and now when Kylie refers to Lisa as my "other girlfriend" I usually just agree. I wonder if there is any other way to deal with this situation? I wonder if Kylie didn't know that Lisa and I were exes, if she might be more comfortable with us being friends? Kylie interestingly says that she does trust me to not "do anything" with Lisa, but she doesn't trust Lisa with me. There are also SO many people that think Lisa and I would be great together, and while I do believe them - sometimes it's something that I don't want to think about because I feel sad that everyone else can see it, but Lisa can't (or doesn't want to).
Really, I do love Lisa and I'm wondering if that could be because of one or more of the following:
* Am I hanging onto guilt from the past and hoping she will give me another chance to "prove myself"?
* Am I interpreting too much into us being such great friends and believing we should take things further?
* Do I believe that I am "better" for Lisa than any other guy could be, considering how compatible we are together?
* Do I really believe Lisa when she says that she "Isn't really attracted" or "doesn't see me in that way" anymore, considering that was how our great relationship started last time?
* Doesn't being like "best friends" make ideal relationship material?
* Why do I feel excited, nervous and so happy anytime I get to see her? Does she feel in any way the same?
* I have fond memories of our relationship together before - and my relationships since then just haven't been up to the same standard. Is that trying to tell me I need to be with Lisa again?
* I do find her very attractive, so are my feelings mainly based on lust?
* Is "moving on" going to help our friendship, or slowly kill it off?
* Do I see Lisa as my happy, bubbly, attractive "greener grass on the other side"?
* Do I see being with Lisa now as so urgent because I fear she may get engaged or pregnant again soon? Yes I would love to marry Lisa and have more kids with her - but she needs to give me a chance first.
* We often have so much fun together... talking, laughing, flirting - doesn't that mean something?
I wonder if Lisa really understands how or why I feel the way I do? I also wonder why, if she experienced similar emotional pain after her breakup with Brendan, why would she chose to avoid a relationship with me? Isn't that making things more painful and frustrating now? I wonder why if her relationship with Dean is so good, then why is everything she still tells me still so negative about it? I wonder if I'm taking her rejection so personally that it's making it harder to move on, or concentrate on my relationship with Kylie? I wonder if, in some ways, I am allowing myself to care about Lisa "too much" and behaving like a surrogate boyfriend by meeting some of the needs she has that Dean wont? I wonder if Lisa and Dean have anything in common - they seem to spend a lot of time apart and doing a lot of things seperately? Lisa has told me that Dean is "not that great in bed" (unlike me and Brendan) and he "doesn't have a romantic bone in his body" and so I wonder why she would settle for that?
Over time, Lisa and I have become a lot closer than we were. Maybe our relationship didn't work out last time because we were both young and inexperienced then? So now, if we are older, more experienced, more compatible, closer than ever, share similar interests, are both romantic, have a strong sex drive, are missing needs from our current relationships and obviously care a lot about each other... then what doubts might Lisa have about being happy and fulfilled by a relationship with me? I suspect that Dean knows how I feel about his girlfriend, and I know Lisa has been kinda tempted to cheat on him in the past... I did kiss her last year (and yes, she did kiss me back) but that is as far as things are going to go while we are both still with other people.
I do love Kylie though, and no matter what happens I intend to always be the best father I can be for our child. I just wish Kylie would accept my friendship with Lisa a lot more - maybe then, I may not be looking toward Lisa to "save me" or make me happy. I don't know? Maybe I am also afraid to "move on" from my feelings about Lisa because my previous expereince with Anne has taught me that if (or when) I do move on, it's possible that she may come back to me for a relationship then - I want to be with her, and don't want to reject her at all.
For as long as Lisa stays with Dean, I don't feel I can do anything about it. All I can do is concentrate on my relationship now with Kylie, hoping things get better and prepare for our baby. So that's exactly what I am trying to do.
At the same time, I do have some very intense feelings for Lisa, and maybe (despite denying it in the past) I always have. No matter how much I do want to be with Kylie and make things work it seems the harder I try, the more something is pushing me to be closer to Lisa. Like I am being prevented from fully giving myself to Kylie because I'm not really meant to?!
When Kylie and I usually have an argument (usually about Lisa) it also makes me want to be around Lisa even more. I can't stand the conflict with Kylie and now when Kylie refers to Lisa as my "other girlfriend" I usually just agree. I wonder if there is any other way to deal with this situation? I wonder if Kylie didn't know that Lisa and I were exes, if she might be more comfortable with us being friends? Kylie interestingly says that she does trust me to not "do anything" with Lisa, but she doesn't trust Lisa with me. There are also SO many people that think Lisa and I would be great together, and while I do believe them - sometimes it's something that I don't want to think about because I feel sad that everyone else can see it, but Lisa can't (or doesn't want to).
Really, I do love Lisa and I'm wondering if that could be because of one or more of the following:
* Am I hanging onto guilt from the past and hoping she will give me another chance to "prove myself"?
* Am I interpreting too much into us being such great friends and believing we should take things further?
* Do I believe that I am "better" for Lisa than any other guy could be, considering how compatible we are together?
* Do I really believe Lisa when she says that she "Isn't really attracted" or "doesn't see me in that way" anymore, considering that was how our great relationship started last time?
* Doesn't being like "best friends" make ideal relationship material?
* Why do I feel excited, nervous and so happy anytime I get to see her? Does she feel in any way the same?
* I have fond memories of our relationship together before - and my relationships since then just haven't been up to the same standard. Is that trying to tell me I need to be with Lisa again?
* I do find her very attractive, so are my feelings mainly based on lust?
* Is "moving on" going to help our friendship, or slowly kill it off?
* Do I see Lisa as my happy, bubbly, attractive "greener grass on the other side"?
* Do I see being with Lisa now as so urgent because I fear she may get engaged or pregnant again soon? Yes I would love to marry Lisa and have more kids with her - but she needs to give me a chance first.
* We often have so much fun together... talking, laughing, flirting - doesn't that mean something?
I wonder if Lisa really understands how or why I feel the way I do? I also wonder why, if she experienced similar emotional pain after her breakup with Brendan, why would she chose to avoid a relationship with me? Isn't that making things more painful and frustrating now? I wonder why if her relationship with Dean is so good, then why is everything she still tells me still so negative about it? I wonder if I'm taking her rejection so personally that it's making it harder to move on, or concentrate on my relationship with Kylie? I wonder if, in some ways, I am allowing myself to care about Lisa "too much" and behaving like a surrogate boyfriend by meeting some of the needs she has that Dean wont? I wonder if Lisa and Dean have anything in common - they seem to spend a lot of time apart and doing a lot of things seperately? Lisa has told me that Dean is "not that great in bed" (unlike me and Brendan) and he "doesn't have a romantic bone in his body" and so I wonder why she would settle for that?
Over time, Lisa and I have become a lot closer than we were. Maybe our relationship didn't work out last time because we were both young and inexperienced then? So now, if we are older, more experienced, more compatible, closer than ever, share similar interests, are both romantic, have a strong sex drive, are missing needs from our current relationships and obviously care a lot about each other... then what doubts might Lisa have about being happy and fulfilled by a relationship with me? I suspect that Dean knows how I feel about his girlfriend, and I know Lisa has been kinda tempted to cheat on him in the past... I did kiss her last year (and yes, she did kiss me back) but that is as far as things are going to go while we are both still with other people.
I do love Kylie though, and no matter what happens I intend to always be the best father I can be for our child. I just wish Kylie would accept my friendship with Lisa a lot more - maybe then, I may not be looking toward Lisa to "save me" or make me happy. I don't know? Maybe I am also afraid to "move on" from my feelings about Lisa because my previous expereince with Anne has taught me that if (or when) I do move on, it's possible that she may come back to me for a relationship then - I want to be with her, and don't want to reject her at all.
For as long as Lisa stays with Dean, I don't feel I can do anything about it. All I can do is concentrate on my relationship now with Kylie, hoping things get better and prepare for our baby. So that's exactly what I am trying to do.