The Update
It’s been over 2 weeks now since I decided to not see Lisa anymore because of “issues” we have been having that have continued to increase tensions over the last 5 years.
Part of the agreement involved not seeing, speaking to or telephoning each other. Exceptions included (at Lisa’s insistence) contact by email and my decision to ensure that if we “happen to see each other out somewhere” that we can still be polite and say hello.
Just quietly, I have to say… this is killing me! I tried pretending that everything is OK and believed that NOT speaking to her would maybe make things better (even for a little while) but in reality, it hasn’t. I think part of my problem is that I’ve bottled up my true feelings for such a long time that it’s made me close to explode. I know I’ve got great friends and family who fully support me emotionally, but without Lisa I feel so strangely empty inside. Even though I’m far from alone… I feel like a lonesome loser!
If I am truly in love with her, what is it that makes me want to be with HER so much? What makes her outshine even the most wonderful, attractive, intelligent people that I have ever met/known/dated or slept with? Surely one person can’t make ME feel alone, happy, depressed, scared, joyful, lustful and nervous (in a good way) all at once - in spite of being a good friend, I was convinced that all of those feelings really meant something more. So can a guy and a girl ever truly be “just friends” (without ANY awkwardness and emotional or sexual connections)? What makes someone attracted to one person and not another?
In one of her last discussions with me she explained that she sees me as the “Safe and Predictable” type - does that mean BORING? If it does, then I’ll show her a thing or two… I understand that when Lisa and I were dating (more than 5 years ago) there was a lot I could’ve done differently. Now that I think about it many area’s of my life were quite boring & predictable, but that was the OLD me, from back then! Today, things are vastly different and I’m sure she knows that I would do anything to show that, even things that I know SHE would be afraid of herself! Perhaps it’s Lisa’s guides telling her “Safety and Stability” is something that she really needs in her life now, especially if she is seriously considering starting a family.
It seems like things are repeating themselves again. It was 5 years ago when I broke up with her, then just two weeks later I was missing her and wanted her back. Now the same thing is happening again (again 2 weeks later?). I believe that everything happens for a reason and feel I am fumbling around trying to work out what the reason is? I can’t help thinking that there is more to this whole experience than initially thought, like it’s not just about “emotional attraction” but something MORE that has kept pushing me toward her and certain “signs” trying to show Lisa exactly what I have been telling her is an option really worth pursuing.
This week in fact, I happened to see Lisa TWICE when I was enjoying a coffee at Gloria Jeans Greenhills. Initially, it felt extremely awkward and I didn’t know what (if anything) to say to her. So as I finished my coffee and walked past, I just said “Hi” and kept walking. I wonder if she misses me at all, because I miss her like crazy, and I think about her still every single day.
I know it’s not right to be with Kylie, when I’m obviously feel so strongly about Lisa. But I do love Kylie and she deserves all the happy times I’ve been able to share with her. Maybe I can get over all this - and things might get better between Kylie and I (also between Lisa and Dean). Although I would still do anything to be Lisa’s boyfriend, I want to try everything I can to get over this now and move on.
Having said that, I also need to be prepared for the possibility that I may never move on, and then it would be worse for any of my future relationships. Because if I haven’t moved on already after 5 years (and numerous other relationships) then perhaps the best thing for me to do is to be single, and I know that would devastate Kylie as well.
I’ve recently bought two books “Breaking Hearts - The two sides of Unrequited Love” and “Love is a Story - A new theory on relationships” and it’s been very enlightening. I understand more about attraction and what makes people choose to partner with one person but not another. Psychologists have discovered that we all have developed “stories” inside ourselves (good or bad) that dictate our actions and choices in relationships, so that someone with a compatible story (not necessarily the same story) is more likely to have a relationship work. There are some 26 stories mentioned - and just as we can find those who share compatible stories, there are also those who share incompatible stories too! From reading the book, I have identified that I closely fit in with the Teacher-Student story (I'm like a teacher) and the "Garden story" believing you need to look after a relationship like a garden to keep it growing (but trying to MAKE it work when it's not working can be worse).
Kylie and I recently had an argument about Lisa (yes... still) this time about money. Over the last few years I have lent money to Lisa for such things as a new mobile phone, car rego, fuel and various other things that she might want or need at the time. On Lisa's assurance that I would get the money back, I haven't seen ANY of it. I wouldn't care about it if she was my GIRLFRIEND, but she is a GIRL FRIEND and now I feel I've had to justify my decision to lend Lisa money to Kylie as well. It is starting to bother me a little (only because my money situation now is getting pretty tough).
At this point though, I think it's best if I just continue not talking to her. Maybe it might help me to move on, maybe it might help her see some things that she is missing out on. I know that she will NEVER find someone who loves and cares for her like I still do - it's like she is wasting her time trying. I hope she can learn this lesson soon too!
Part of the agreement involved not seeing, speaking to or telephoning each other. Exceptions included (at Lisa’s insistence) contact by email and my decision to ensure that if we “happen to see each other out somewhere” that we can still be polite and say hello.
Just quietly, I have to say… this is killing me! I tried pretending that everything is OK and believed that NOT speaking to her would maybe make things better (even for a little while) but in reality, it hasn’t. I think part of my problem is that I’ve bottled up my true feelings for such a long time that it’s made me close to explode. I know I’ve got great friends and family who fully support me emotionally, but without Lisa I feel so strangely empty inside. Even though I’m far from alone… I feel like a lonesome loser!
If I am truly in love with her, what is it that makes me want to be with HER so much? What makes her outshine even the most wonderful, attractive, intelligent people that I have ever met/known/dated or slept with? Surely one person can’t make ME feel alone, happy, depressed, scared, joyful, lustful and nervous (in a good way) all at once - in spite of being a good friend, I was convinced that all of those feelings really meant something more. So can a guy and a girl ever truly be “just friends” (without ANY awkwardness and emotional or sexual connections)? What makes someone attracted to one person and not another?
In one of her last discussions with me she explained that she sees me as the “Safe and Predictable” type - does that mean BORING? If it does, then I’ll show her a thing or two… I understand that when Lisa and I were dating (more than 5 years ago) there was a lot I could’ve done differently. Now that I think about it many area’s of my life were quite boring & predictable, but that was the OLD me, from back then! Today, things are vastly different and I’m sure she knows that I would do anything to show that, even things that I know SHE would be afraid of herself! Perhaps it’s Lisa’s guides telling her “Safety and Stability” is something that she really needs in her life now, especially if she is seriously considering starting a family.
It seems like things are repeating themselves again. It was 5 years ago when I broke up with her, then just two weeks later I was missing her and wanted her back. Now the same thing is happening again (again 2 weeks later?). I believe that everything happens for a reason and feel I am fumbling around trying to work out what the reason is? I can’t help thinking that there is more to this whole experience than initially thought, like it’s not just about “emotional attraction” but something MORE that has kept pushing me toward her and certain “signs” trying to show Lisa exactly what I have been telling her is an option really worth pursuing.
This week in fact, I happened to see Lisa TWICE when I was enjoying a coffee at Gloria Jeans Greenhills. Initially, it felt extremely awkward and I didn’t know what (if anything) to say to her. So as I finished my coffee and walked past, I just said “Hi” and kept walking. I wonder if she misses me at all, because I miss her like crazy, and I think about her still every single day.
I know it’s not right to be with Kylie, when I’m obviously feel so strongly about Lisa. But I do love Kylie and she deserves all the happy times I’ve been able to share with her. Maybe I can get over all this - and things might get better between Kylie and I (also between Lisa and Dean). Although I would still do anything to be Lisa’s boyfriend, I want to try everything I can to get over this now and move on.
Having said that, I also need to be prepared for the possibility that I may never move on, and then it would be worse for any of my future relationships. Because if I haven’t moved on already after 5 years (and numerous other relationships) then perhaps the best thing for me to do is to be single, and I know that would devastate Kylie as well.
I’ve recently bought two books “Breaking Hearts - The two sides of Unrequited Love” and “Love is a Story - A new theory on relationships” and it’s been very enlightening. I understand more about attraction and what makes people choose to partner with one person but not another. Psychologists have discovered that we all have developed “stories” inside ourselves (good or bad) that dictate our actions and choices in relationships, so that someone with a compatible story (not necessarily the same story) is more likely to have a relationship work. There are some 26 stories mentioned - and just as we can find those who share compatible stories, there are also those who share incompatible stories too! From reading the book, I have identified that I closely fit in with the Teacher-Student story (I'm like a teacher) and the "Garden story" believing you need to look after a relationship like a garden to keep it growing (but trying to MAKE it work when it's not working can be worse).
Kylie and I recently had an argument about Lisa (yes... still) this time about money. Over the last few years I have lent money to Lisa for such things as a new mobile phone, car rego, fuel and various other things that she might want or need at the time. On Lisa's assurance that I would get the money back, I haven't seen ANY of it. I wouldn't care about it if she was my GIRLFRIEND, but she is a GIRL FRIEND and now I feel I've had to justify my decision to lend Lisa money to Kylie as well. It is starting to bother me a little (only because my money situation now is getting pretty tough).
At this point though, I think it's best if I just continue not talking to her. Maybe it might help me to move on, maybe it might help her see some things that she is missing out on. I know that she will NEVER find someone who loves and cares for her like I still do - it's like she is wasting her time trying. I hope she can learn this lesson soon too!