Negima Crack
So what is crack? Crack is the writing or drawing of pairings that simply don't happen. If we look at Negima, for example, Chachamaru and Kaede. It just does not happen. Of course, that is rather extreme, but it gives a good picture. The general idea is that any pairings which are not canon or "canon"(not quite canon but with enough subtext and hints to be very plausible as) are crack, and that is precisely why we should do them.
Obviously crack will not be everybody's cup of tea, but please, just try it. You might find yourself adoring a batshit crazy pairing that you never would've thought of otherwise. And please, please, please don't kill me because I put Secchan with someone else or Asuna with someone else. These are crack pairings, they're not meant to be serious in the first place. I'm really really sorry for not putting Secchan with Konoka, but I do all those other fics with KonoSetsu in them! ._. *runs and hides under a rock*
Negima Crack
Alright, let's get a bong and get to it.
Smoke #1
Arken/Xebec (oh, LOOKIT THAT, I did it! With chainsaw dating too! What NOW BITCH? xD)
Once, there was a little child called Arken.
She found out about a series called Mahou Sensei Negima. This series featured a Harry Potter-esque(only used for lack of a better widely known word, as the main character of the book is much nicer and pleasant than Harry Potter) wizard known as Negi Springfield. He graduates from his magic school in Britain and sets out to teach English in Japan.
It was manga, and it was Japanese. That should explain everything.
Now, this manga ended up being wildly popular and so therefore was recreated as an anime. Said anime was done by Xebec, the same people who converted millions of Ken Akamatsu fans to Satanism as a result of how horribly they did Love Hina. (Love Hina happens to be Negima without the Harry Potterness, but since Love Hina came first it should be said instead that Negima is Love Hina mixed with Harry Potter - however, Love Hina is not actually relevant to the story so the logistics should not really matter)
However, while millions of people were lost to the terrible reaches of the netherlands, there were still millions more out there willing to give Xebec one more try.
Unfortunately it was one of the biggest catastrophes to hit mankind since the meteor that wiped out the dinosarus. (If the reader so chooses not to believe in the meteor theory, that is perfectly fine, because it shall still be the biggest disaster to happen since said reader was born)
The enormous masses of Japanese children squeezed into a little room and American otakus lazing at their computer were entirely obliterated within the span of three episodes. THREE EPISODES. Hordes of people rushed at Xebec after those episodes aired in anger. That speaks gold about Xebec's talent.
So nearly all Mahou Sensei Negima fans were converted to the Dark Side, and Xebec continued trotting about in its naked evil until all the poor people had been maimed and destroyed away for life.
All but one.
Yes indeed, it was the child Arken. The last known person to have watched a Xebec episode, she was about to commit suicide when Xebec found her. Suddenly she was struck by a guilty feeling about how the future world must fare if this horrible entity known as Xebec wasn't immediately destroyed. The strangest proposal popped into her mind, but she figured it would also be her best chance as well.
Therefore, on April 1st, Arken proposed to Xebec. If Xebec was to marry her, then they would never remake episodes again. Xebec had never thought of having a chance at even a girlfriend, let a lone a wife, so it very readily agreed.
Arken's circle of society took it somewhat strangely. It was as if she had become a homosexual. On one side cropped up the fanatical Xebec haters - Arken's sacrifice to rescue the world merely became twisted into being Xebec's accomplice - she was after all about to be married to Xebec. On the other hand were the more liberal but still extremely weirded out and slightly terrified people who either felt sorry for her or felt happy for her because they were completely oblivious to the noxious presence known as Xebec. Dauthi quite envies those people.
So on one side were the anti-Xebens, (Arken's name became very quickly associated with Xebec on both sides) and on the other side were the pro-Xebens. The world had another thing to thank Arken for - the debate over homosexuality trickled then closed up as politicians rushed to cover the latest new merger trend. Since homosexuality was not an important issue except for homosexuals anymore, laws on homosexuality were signed very quickly. Now the god was Xebeniality.
On July 1st Arken married Xebec. Not a single person attending the services smiled. Even the anti-Xebecs and pro-Xebecs had managed to become a group and sob over the tragedy of Xeben. The priest sobbed so much snot dripped onto his bible and little kids started following his example. "Learn to be venerable like the old priest there," their mommies had said.
On July 2nd, just a couple hours past midnight, Xebec died. Arken had killed him in his sleep.
This time the world united once again and rejoiced. There would usually be crimes and punishments slapped on Arken, for she'd admitted to the murder with a full witness account, but the commanding officer had only started to say Xe before the whole room shivered in horror, and that was when he decided that Arken had done them an enormous favor. More balloons were popped and towels thrown than Spaceball Invaders and Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy combined in the cheering that followed a few moments later after the shock.
Fame is not easy though, for Arken was constantly hounded by reporters the next day, and sometimes can still be seen running from a particularily determined and oblivious reporter. They asked her various questions, including the size of her bust, but the question she got most often, that reporters most wanted the scoop on was, "How did you do it?" Amazingly no one asked why she killed Xebec. The answer, it seemed was obvious. And it was. Moving on.
Indeed, how did she do it? It would seem that it was easier than it seemed.
"We... went out on our honeymoon," said Arken, haltingly, but the world forgave her for slightly stuttering, because all of them lazy bitches shuddered themselves at the prospect of being on a honeymoon with Xebec. "We walked along, and at some point I saw a chainsaw store. I really wanted a chainsaw even though it was precisely for killing my husband, so I got him to buy me one. We went home, I plugged it in, he tried to, ah, 'deflower' me, and I sawed him in half."
The world stared in awe at her greatness. A moment later several Arken fanclubs were being created, and several people had rushed up to Arken wanting to have her baby. Millions upon millions of rescued souls jumped for joy and pledged their eternal allegiance to Arken. A pop-culture-idol based on Arken was created as well as her own reality show and millions upon millions of horny guys proclaimed their love for her.
Life being Xebec's wife was good.
Smoke #2
Fumika/Fuuka
You two are sisters. Twins. Yet arousal and desire has never listened to the rules of society, and you find yourself getting wet when she gropes your chest to show off both your nonexistant breasts, when she bathes, when she breathes on your hair lightly and just so as you sleep next to each other.
Incest is wrong. Homosexuality is wrong as well, but it's on a different level with incest. Or is it? You love your sister about as much as Negi-kun loves Asuna and Setsuna loves Konoka. Why should your love be considered wrong then? What right does society have to tell you to not love her?
But do you love her - you ask yourself this, over and over again, so that maybe you can shake off this hard cold feeling and move on to something else. Or do you just want to rape her, tear out her bubble-gum pink hair and suck the color out of those child-like eyes. Penetrate her until she bleeds and cries.
You can't even imagine doing it at all though. The mere thought of it causes you to shudder in disgust, and so you are continued to be plagued by your love for her everyday.
These are two wrongs, double negatives, and while two wrongs never make a right double negatives cancel out and become true, and so your hope rises and deflates as the terms of math and english blur everything again.
One night you can't resist the desire and reach out to stroke her face, jawline bright and pale in the moonlight through the window of your room.
A hand catches yours and with your face only centimeters away from hers, you can see clearly every feature of her face, including her wide-open eyes, which are indiscernable and start to put a cold clammy feeling at the pit of your stomach.
Suddenly without a word she leans over and kisses you, then snuggles into the spot between your shoulder and what should be your breast.
Math it is then, you think.
Smoke #3:
Negi/Chamo
"So do we have a deal?"
"W-w-WHHHAAAAAAT?"
Chamo sighed. Negi Springfield might be a genius, but he sure was dense in social aspects. Seriously, what kind of a guy did not appreciate the power to wipe out a girl's clothes?
"You destroy those girls clothes, you can leave their panties on, save them some decency -"
"No, no, I get that part. I meant... the other part."
"Oh."
Truth be told, Chamo didn't really want to discuss the other part. It was a really strange subject to discuss even for his perverted mind, and so for once he had used logistics and anecdotes to try to tell Negi. Which didn't make it any less shocking or fucked up. Because the first thing he'd thought of when he was trying to think of something to sway Negi into the proposal was... pleasuring him.
That so did not happen. And he was definitely NOT gay for Negi.
Could ermines be gay?
"Er, wait." Damn that kid. "So this has... happened before?"
"Yeah, yeah. Lots of times actually. Familiar and mage usually end up in a pretty good relationship even after the mage goes off and marries his partner and all that shit. One mage even went off and married his own familiar; most fu-messed up incident in the 19th century."
What kind of guy won't even tolerate the word fuck?
Negi seemed to actually be considering his proposal. Which was absolutely horrible. Even though he kind of actually really hoped that he would accept.
He was NOT gay for Negi. He did not want to burrow in his messy red hair and streak down his T-shirts and squeeze into his jeans and steal his cute spectacles and hear him squeak and stare at him with brown chocolate eyes.
That sounded so wrong. And... gay. Chamo's entire body shuddered in revulsion.
Besides, Negi was a human and he... was an ermine. The Insane and Disgusting meter had shot off the rocks and flown, flown like a bird, until gravity took over and it dropped into the sea.
"Ok."
"Awesome - WHAT?"
"I said ok."
"Er, seriously?"
"Sure, why not. I'll do it for free actually, although just on a couple people. I mean, I'd like to thank you for helping me get this far, so why not?"
Negi was such. A fucking. IDIOT.
Smoke #4:
Haruna/Negi:
"Hmmm, I can't see why you like them."
Haruna jumped at this sudden disturbance of her personal fangirl time, and spun around to face the intruder.
It was Negi. He'd been leaning over her shoulder to read her manga. Haruna groaned. It was just her luck to pick a hentai yaoi doujin to read today. What would her friends say to traumatizing a little boy with yaoi? What would she herself say?
She paused for a second in this train of thought. She would squee in a fangirl kind of way and sit him down to the glory of yaoi, hopefully converting another one to the machine.
"Come Negi, sit down. I want to show you what I see in them."
Two hours later and an extremely weirded out Negi(actually she thought he'd freaked out more at the sexual parts, something she shouldn't have told him about - but then again, he was coming over to the dark side anyway) did not net her another recruit, but it did land her something else very strange.
"Er, so, all the guys in there are supposed to be pretty, right?"
"Yup."
"...am I pretty?" Negi assessed himself critically.
"Nah. Well you are and you will be, but we would like to refer to you as cute." Like so. She flipped open to a picture of two long-haired bishonen caught in a passionate embrace. "Woah, wrong one. I meant this one."
There was a cute fluffy bunny on the page.
"...oh. So if someone said I was cute, could I ask them for a drink or something?"
Haruna gasped.
"Are you asking me out on a DATE?"
"Wh-un-huh-yeargh!"
Without waiting for his confused answer Haruna dragged him out of the library, intent on fulling milking this date.
The librarian noticed that she'd left a couple books behind, but merely shook her head and smiled softly.
"Ah, young love." Then she went over to pick them up.
She froze as she saw what was depicted on them, the smile on her face sagging and sagging until it was a perfect image of horror.
"That boy is doomed."
Smoke #5:
Evangeline/Chachamaru
Evangeline doesn't love.
Oh, her eyes might've brightened up when she liked someone, and she "loved" Nagi, but she's never actually loved anyone.
Chachamaru doesn't understand how Evangeline can't when even she herself can. She knows that she loves Evangeline because of a feeling she just can't describe, and maybe a human could feel that several times and therefore never label it true love, but as a robot her programming has rewritten itself entirely each time so that all she can think about now is Evangeline.
And even though it may be her programming speaking, it was her, whatever part of her that feels(a program as well, but inside her robotic mind she knows it wasn't that) that made her the devoted servant of Evangeline.
Indeed, Evangeline treats her better than any other person, treats her better even than lovers do each other - Evangeline is not a kissy-feely person, but if she wants to treat you well you will know - and her eyes sparkle and shine when Chachamaru catches her eye.
But she doesn't love, and Chachamaru doesn't know how much longer her programming can wait to be completed until it has to start over and write itself again.
Maybe she'll feel something different for someone else. Maybe she'll understand what love is. Maybe she'll finally figure out why love doesn't exist in Evangeline's eyes, only if she does she won't care anymore.
Second update has so escalated into R.
Smoke #6
Asuna/Takamichi
They say she's too close to Negi to not be a couple. They say she hasn't displayed any interest in Takamichi for forever. They say that Negi and her are an inseperable pair, perfect and destined for each other.
They say, they say, they say.
She's stopped voicing her thoughts long ago, when the little brat started spouting off all her secrets to everyone and anyone with ears. (Granted, Takamichi wasn't really a secret, but she still doesn't appreciate the way his mouth just runs off forever)
She hasn't seen Takamichi in forever, but that doesn't mean that she's forgotten him. It takes something more than time and a little red-haired brat who's not even twelve to divert her from a love that she knows is true.
It doesn't matter that Takamichi seems to be in a relationship with Shizuna, because nothing concrete has happened and they're probably assuming, just like they do with Negi and her. Besides, who would be in a relationship with Shizuna? She's like a person who's just... there. You just don't go out with her. (or so she thinks, because that is all she can comprehend in her still child-like mind)
And when Takamichi rushes out onto the battlefield to cradle her in his arms, she knows that it is true and she can finally grow up, and she succumbs to the darkness.
Smoke #7
Negi/Nodoka
Wait, what are you talking about? This isn't crack! Dude, what are YOU smoking? Moving on.
Smoke #8
Konoka/Random Person Gramps Picks
Okashira will have my head if I do this and for all pairings that disrupt the holy purified-even-though-Secchan-is-a-half-demon destined union between Setsuna and Konoka. Therefore, it shall happen in the update that never happens. (Got it guys?)
Smoke #9
Evangeline/Misora
A harsh sensation grinds aginst my back, a stone cold fire digging bloody tracks into my skin.
"Do you like that?" Hot breath against my ear, burning like the cross upon my back, but a pleasant burning, one that sends shivers down my spine and roasts a merry blaze in the pit of my stomach.
I groan in response, and chipped nails which only grazed and tickled earlier dig in to join the cacophony of pain(pleasure) clouding my senses. The clawing suddenly stops and the coolness of the warming cross disappears from my back, like a parasite from its host.
Who needs it, desires it, is addicted to it. I prop my self up on my elbows, hoping to get that sensation back in me, even as my blood flows and drips and warms me like only one other thing can.
In response a body slams onto mine, knocking my support out from under, and a finger probes my entrance, hissing, "You liked that, didn't you. Liked it sooooo much..." And teeth don't nibble, they bite my ear, and I can hear her teeth clicking against each other, my tattered left ear going numb.
The hand leaves my vagina and I snap my legs together in a desperate attempt to have it back, bucking under her to get some friction with the satin white bedsheets, which are quickly turning the dark kind of red that leaves a permanent stain. A hand grabs my head of blond hair and yanks it back, body settling so that I can only wriggle.
She lies on top of me and I can feel her breasts squished into my back, slick with the blood that continues welling up in the cross, her mark.
A hand, her right, it is her right because her left hand is threading through my hair, ripping right through tangles and snags, grabs my side and I gasp at the sensation, moan as the cross and her fingers slice a fire right through.
The hand hangs in front of me and she snarls, "I didn't know vampires bled."
Everything stops for a moment as a cold bucket of water is dumped over me and I turn my head to ask, "How-" but at this moment her lips capture mine in a fierce kiss, her eyes and boy-cut hair glowing with the moonlight that cuts the shadows like a diamond, like her harpy-like claws. Her tongue grazes my abnormally sharp teeth as she chews upon my lips, and when she moves away her lips are dribbling blood, face framed in the shadows.
Her left hand darts out and grabs ahold of my chin, turning it to face the pillow again and raising it up roughly so that her right hand is right before my mouth.
"Taste it," she commands as she shoves her fingers into my relenting mouth, and I taste my blood, metallic but narcotic like all blood, and I taste the musk that are my fluids, and the warmth of the painful fingers, and the hyper-addicting blood that pulses beneath.
But she doesn't make me bite and I don't bite, my teeth merely brushing against them as I suckle upon my blood like an infant.
"Does it taste good," a rasping voice whispering in my ear again. "Does it taste like the Roman god's ambrosia?" A tongue darts out into my ear and then out again, proceeding to wash up the blood that trickles from my slashed earlobe.
I shift my head away and ask amusedly, "Aren't you a nun?"
Her response is to clamp down even harder on the rest of my ear and ask, "Aren't you a vampire?"
She shifts so that she's beside me and I have license to move again, although her arm and leg still lie splayed over me, claiming me as her posession. Her head snakes out but she doesn't look at my face, although a smirk dots it. Instead I am faced with her bare exposed neck.
"Bite it," she growls.
"What?" I've been surprised many times before, but this is certainly one of the strangest.
Her voice turns into a commanding yell, snarling, "Bite me!" and she slams my head into her neck, my nose smashing itself against her neck.
Tentatively I open my mouth, but this foreign terror that doused me in ice evaporates as I think this is what she wants. My mouth closes without hesitation, but a hand suddenly fisting me and another hand pulling on my hair cause me to miss and clamp my teeth down on nothing, only grazing skin as I throw my head back and scream, "Oh god!"
The hand disappears again, cruel and teasing, as it grabs my head to turn me face to face with her.
"Weakling," she hisses, though an extremely pleased countenance lies behind her glimmering eyes.
"So then why-" I gasp as the hand returns and she slinks a finger in. "Why don't you kill me?"
"With what, a stake and a cross and maye some holy water? We both know you only succumbed to me because you wanted to, and that killing method wouldn't work at all."
I smile at her. Her eyes light up and she smirks.
Yeah, ok, Smoke #6 was pretty sucky, but I couldn't think of anything for Takamichi/Asuna. This is a couple that needs a longer story to bring them together. Or something.
I am proud of Smoke #9. First attempt at smut in my life. (Would this be R or NC-17?) But it also caused me to not want to write Smoke #10(Takamichi/Negi) because that would just ruin this climactic high. Heh.
Crack is goooood...