No baby yet....
Still no Addison. According to my OB and an emergency ultrasound I still have 3.5cm to go before I am completely effaced and am only 1cm dilated. With almost non stop contractions since Sunday. If she isn't here by Monday I have to call the office and set up an induction. I am not impressed by this. I can't stand how Sierra's pregnancy was perfect and this one has sucked!!!! Every thing from the circumstances around her conception, her future circumstances and now... When I was pregnant for Sierra I was happily married, had a ton of support from everyone (not too much different from now, except her own dad wants nothing to do with us). Had a stable place of our own to live and to bring her home to. Mostly I had my future all mapped out. And that was only 5 years ago.... My head still spins thinking about how fast things change and how far things can deviate from where they started from. I ask myself constantly how did we get this far this fast??? It was NEVER suppose to be this way... I knew what I wanted out of life, why did I make the decisions I made and fuck up my ENTIRE future for myself, Sierra and Addison? I mean obviously Addison wouldn't be in the equation but I'm sure Scott and I would've had another little girl after Sierra, around this time. If I had said my feelings sooner would we have been able to avoid all of this NONSENSE now with Shannon and maybe we could've avoided Alayna being born, and Addison's arrival?? I used to believe that everything happens for a reason, but now?? I can't possibly figure out a reason for all of this... All of the hurt from past men, the baggage, the expensive lessons, and mostly the constant reminder of the past that haunts me every day because of my ROTTEN decisions. And now the price I pay is even higher every time I think about what could've been when I look into his blue eyes and he can't make up his mind who he wants. I NEVER dreamed the day would come that I may lose to Shannon Randall.... Worse yet, lose him after everything we've ever had from 10 years ago til now. Life is so unpredictable and ridiculous for me right now... Most days I'd give anything for a time machine and knowledge I have now to use for back then... I can honestly say, life at 28 was NEVER supposed to be this hard, hurtful, unstable and unpredictable.