Jasam - "Say Goodnight"
Say Goodnight
*Jasam say goodbye … but is it forever?*
November 8, 2007
Samantha McCall shivered in her thin jacket as she walked into the cemetery. She found the little grave stone and sat beside it. She laid the lilies she had brought on the cold, damp earth.
“Hey, little one, it’s your mommy,” she said, reaching out and rubbing the gravestone. “It’s been too long since I came here hasn’t it? I hope you are doing okay up there. Every day I miss you more and more. My life feels empty without you in it, knowing that I never even got to hold you. I’d give anything to hold you now, little angel.”
Tears were coursing down her cheeks and she shivered harder. She had made it before midnight like she had planned. She never let the anniversary of Lila’s death go unnoticed although the distance between them seemed farther apart than ever.
“I want you here with me, little one,” she said. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“You’re not right now,” a voice said from behind her.
Sam recognized the voice and didn’t need to turn around. “What are you doing here, Jason?”
“What do you think?” He asked.
“I actually don’t know …”
“I came here to see … our daughter … Just like I do every year.”
“We usually come together,” Sam said, sniffing back tears. She couldn’t even look at him right now. It hurt too much.
“We’re both here now, that’s all that matters,” he said, walking over and kneeling next to her.
“Three years ago tonight … can you believe it?” Sam asked, glancing at him quickly and then glancing away.
“No. So much has happened then … so much has changed … so much has gone wrong …”
“Much of what went wrong was my fault,” Sam admitted.
“Believe me, you didn’t do it alone,” he said with a sigh. “I made a mess of things too.”
This was the first admission of his guilt in anything that had gone wrong over the past year. “We hurt each other,” he said. “I hurt you.”
“Yes you did. And I lashed out at you.”
“Are you still angry?”
“Mad as hell,” she said, choking back a sob. “But mostly just sad … that it ended the way it did …”
Say goodnight not goodbye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I’ll be anywhere you are
“Our star - our little Lila - was supposed to lead us back to each other but it didn’t work out did it?” she murmured.
“No, it didn’t.”
“Three years ago my life changed forever, Jason. Nothing has ever been the same. And the only time I was truly happy was when I was with you. And I want to thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.”
“It wasn’t a chore. I wanted to do it. I wanted you in my life.”
“Do you miss … us?”
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not goodbye
“Every … moment … of everyday,” he said. “But we’re at two separate places now.”
“I know. And you have a child of your own now. And you have to focus on that now.”
“And you have Lucky …”
“Yes, I do.” But it wasn’t serious, she wanted to say. She cared about Lucky but at this point, she missed Jason more than she ever thought she could.
“I am so angry at you,” she said, wiping her tear-streaked face. But her voice wasn’t harsh.
“I know.”
“We lied to each other, Jason,” Sam whispered. “We hurt each other. We broke so many promises to each other. Our dreams died just like Lila.”
Don’t you fear when your dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
“I know.”
“You know? Is that all you have to say? Tell me your feelings dammit, Jason, I have a right to know.”
Jason’s own eyes filled with tears. “There are so many things buried deep … I am angry; I’m sad; I’m frustrated … mostly at myself and the part I played in ending us.”
“You mean when you left me straight out of coma?”
“And so much more.”
“And I hurt you in so many ways too. Starting with sleeping with my stepfather, Ric. I know that had to hurt you.”
“Of course it did. It still hurts … But there was so much other stuff in the way too. My lies about … my son …”
“Your lies hurt the most,” Sam said, playing with the bracelet on her wrist. “I won’t even try to deny that.”
“I know. I hurt us both. We hurt each other so much. I just hope you can one day be everything you want to be, and find the right person …”
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I’ll be right by your side
Say goodnight not goodbye
“I don’t care about any of that. I just want to find peace. I am trying so hard for that.”
“I’m glad.”
Sam reached out and touched the gravestone again. “At least I’ll always have the memories we made together. No one can take that away from me.”
“No one can take it away from me either. And we‘ll always have our daughter‘s memory …”
“Yes. Lila changed our lives. I have been so angry and sad and devastated and cruel that I sometimes forgot what she made me into. I let the pain take away the good things I did because of her … and you …”
“She changed both of us. Forever.”
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
“I love you, Jason,” she admitted, wiping her face on the sleeve of her jacket.
He got choked up. “I know. I feel the same way.”
“I am sorry we couldn’t make it work …”
“Me too,” he said, briefly reaching out and squeezing her hand.
Sam kissed her hand and pressed the palm to the gravestone. “I’ll be back soon, my little one. Thanks for changing me.”
Sam stood and began to walk away. She turned back to Jason. “So this is goodbye huh, Jase?”
He shook his head. “No … just goodnight.”
Sam nodded, gave him a last longing look, and left the cemetery.
Jason stayed for a long while after she left, giving into tears and the weight of the things he had done. “Bye, Sam,” he whispered into the wind. “Good night I mean.”
*Jasam say goodbye … but is it forever?*
November 8, 2007
Samantha McCall shivered in her thin jacket as she walked into the cemetery. She found the little grave stone and sat beside it. She laid the lilies she had brought on the cold, damp earth.
“Hey, little one, it’s your mommy,” she said, reaching out and rubbing the gravestone. “It’s been too long since I came here hasn’t it? I hope you are doing okay up there. Every day I miss you more and more. My life feels empty without you in it, knowing that I never even got to hold you. I’d give anything to hold you now, little angel.”
Tears were coursing down her cheeks and she shivered harder. She had made it before midnight like she had planned. She never let the anniversary of Lila’s death go unnoticed although the distance between them seemed farther apart than ever.
“I want you here with me, little one,” she said. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“You’re not right now,” a voice said from behind her.
Sam recognized the voice and didn’t need to turn around. “What are you doing here, Jason?”
“What do you think?” He asked.
“I actually don’t know …”
“I came here to see … our daughter … Just like I do every year.”
“We usually come together,” Sam said, sniffing back tears. She couldn’t even look at him right now. It hurt too much.
“We’re both here now, that’s all that matters,” he said, walking over and kneeling next to her.
“Three years ago tonight … can you believe it?” Sam asked, glancing at him quickly and then glancing away.
“No. So much has happened then … so much has changed … so much has gone wrong …”
“Much of what went wrong was my fault,” Sam admitted.
“Believe me, you didn’t do it alone,” he said with a sigh. “I made a mess of things too.”
This was the first admission of his guilt in anything that had gone wrong over the past year. “We hurt each other,” he said. “I hurt you.”
“Yes you did. And I lashed out at you.”
“Are you still angry?”
“Mad as hell,” she said, choking back a sob. “But mostly just sad … that it ended the way it did …”
Say goodnight not goodbye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I’ll be anywhere you are
“Our star - our little Lila - was supposed to lead us back to each other but it didn’t work out did it?” she murmured.
“No, it didn’t.”
“Three years ago my life changed forever, Jason. Nothing has ever been the same. And the only time I was truly happy was when I was with you. And I want to thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.”
“It wasn’t a chore. I wanted to do it. I wanted you in my life.”
“Do you miss … us?”
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not goodbye
“Every … moment … of everyday,” he said. “But we’re at two separate places now.”
“I know. And you have a child of your own now. And you have to focus on that now.”
“And you have Lucky …”
“Yes, I do.” But it wasn’t serious, she wanted to say. She cared about Lucky but at this point, she missed Jason more than she ever thought she could.
“I am so angry at you,” she said, wiping her tear-streaked face. But her voice wasn’t harsh.
“I know.”
“We lied to each other, Jason,” Sam whispered. “We hurt each other. We broke so many promises to each other. Our dreams died just like Lila.”
Don’t you fear when your dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
“I know.”
“You know? Is that all you have to say? Tell me your feelings dammit, Jason, I have a right to know.”
Jason’s own eyes filled with tears. “There are so many things buried deep … I am angry; I’m sad; I’m frustrated … mostly at myself and the part I played in ending us.”
“You mean when you left me straight out of coma?”
“And so much more.”
“And I hurt you in so many ways too. Starting with sleeping with my stepfather, Ric. I know that had to hurt you.”
“Of course it did. It still hurts … But there was so much other stuff in the way too. My lies about … my son …”
“Your lies hurt the most,” Sam said, playing with the bracelet on her wrist. “I won’t even try to deny that.”
“I know. I hurt us both. We hurt each other so much. I just hope you can one day be everything you want to be, and find the right person …”
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I’ll be right by your side
Say goodnight not goodbye
“I don’t care about any of that. I just want to find peace. I am trying so hard for that.”
“I’m glad.”
Sam reached out and touched the gravestone again. “At least I’ll always have the memories we made together. No one can take that away from me.”
“No one can take it away from me either. And we‘ll always have our daughter‘s memory …”
“Yes. Lila changed our lives. I have been so angry and sad and devastated and cruel that I sometimes forgot what she made me into. I let the pain take away the good things I did because of her … and you …”
“She changed both of us. Forever.”
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
“I love you, Jason,” she admitted, wiping her face on the sleeve of her jacket.
He got choked up. “I know. I feel the same way.”
“I am sorry we couldn’t make it work …”
“Me too,” he said, briefly reaching out and squeezing her hand.
Sam kissed her hand and pressed the palm to the gravestone. “I’ll be back soon, my little one. Thanks for changing me.”
Sam stood and began to walk away. She turned back to Jason. “So this is goodbye huh, Jase?”
He shook his head. “No … just goodnight.”
Sam nodded, gave him a last longing look, and left the cemetery.
Jason stayed for a long while after she left, giving into tears and the weight of the things he had done. “Bye, Sam,” he whispered into the wind. “Good night I mean.”