It feels like Monday...
...but it sure doesn't look like Monday. It's gorgeous and warm and sunny and all my classes have gone pretty well. I got a 96 on my Spanish test...much to my surprise, but I doubt to anyone else's who would have seen my grade plus all my other ones in that class. Voice lesson went well. Yay. Choir was okay. Yay.
Christy and I talked a lot on Saturday night, about a lot of stuff. I'm in deep thought about some of these things today. I think perhaps this is why I'm not in a very good mood. I keep thinking about what she said about me seeming angry to her because of what people had done to me in my life and how I've let people walk all over me all my life and not do what I wanna do. She said that when I give up this desire to God, then she thinks I'll really change. I know I need to change. I just...do I want to? What if I become a heathen and everybody hates me? What if I make everybody mad at me? Becca says that's not true. But you see the problem? It's still all about caring so much about what people think of me and being a good Christian and not causing anybody to suffer and not ticking anybody off. My mind says that the only answer is to talk to God and to give it up to Him. I'm so afraid to do that. I have so many doubts. I have tons of doubts, actually. The only positive I even see that may come out of this is that I will change in a really big way, and it will be for the better.
I left the youth thing last night because I didn't want to be there. I feel like I did a bad thing. I wonder if it is possible that God does not want me in ministry right now. My main fear is what Jarrod, the college pastor, will think of me when he finds out that I'm thinking about doing all of this. I feel so fickle. I'm so confused. Please help me, somebody. Make me get alone with God so I can talk to Him about this.