(no subject)
it doesn't feel like all my memories belong in the same body. like my past is less real and relevant to my present than a story i read.
it seems impossible, to be where i am when you know where i'm from. then there's the problem of reconciliation. all of it seems unsettlingly like a dream, as if i'm a ghost, or i'm a person visited by ghosts, and that's where my life comes from. just a random collection of pieces, dreams and lives gone by.
if i'd sneezed instead of coughing, i never would have met my husband. not exactly, but you get the point. i shudder to think what life would have been like without him. would i have ever learned to trust anybody? would i have kept imploding, my world getting smaller and angrier until something horrible happened?
it's a troubling train of though.
so, new year's. this year i will endeavor, in a more educated and intentional way, to be kind to myself. it's the hardest thing i've ever tried to do. but i understand now, that even when i'm mean to others, it's just because that's how i always treat myself. in fact, i never treat anyone else one-fifth as poorly as i treat myself. and i can be quite a bitch.
dear 2012, look after me and i'll look after you (to rip off a hot chip lyric directly).
it seems impossible, to be where i am when you know where i'm from. then there's the problem of reconciliation. all of it seems unsettlingly like a dream, as if i'm a ghost, or i'm a person visited by ghosts, and that's where my life comes from. just a random collection of pieces, dreams and lives gone by.
if i'd sneezed instead of coughing, i never would have met my husband. not exactly, but you get the point. i shudder to think what life would have been like without him. would i have ever learned to trust anybody? would i have kept imploding, my world getting smaller and angrier until something horrible happened?
it's a troubling train of though.
so, new year's. this year i will endeavor, in a more educated and intentional way, to be kind to myself. it's the hardest thing i've ever tried to do. but i understand now, that even when i'm mean to others, it's just because that's how i always treat myself. in fact, i never treat anyone else one-fifth as poorly as i treat myself. and i can be quite a bitch.
dear 2012, look after me and i'll look after you (to rip off a hot chip lyric directly).