(no subject)
I have become overly emotional lately. I don't know what it is exactly. I just watched the last video update Underoath recorded with Aaron. The song playing in the background was "Brothers on a Hotel Bed" by Death Cab for Cutie. I legitimately almost cried.
Underoath had nothing to do with it really. But everything else does I suppose. I sit here till 3:30 or later every night. And I occupy myself with facebook, or live journal, tumblr, formspring, whatever. And I don't accomplish anything except more waiting. And the waiting never ends. That's what I really want to know. When is the waiting going to stop?
When am I going to finally be able to go to bed, sober, thinking that tomorrow is going to be a good day? Or thinking that tomorrow will at least be better than today was? Or even just go to bed not having to convince myself that 'tomorrow everyone is going to see the real Matt Donato'?
When am I going to finally be able to surround myself with people while simultaneously feeling like I'm not genuinely alone?
Why have I been so alone my entire life? Since as long as I can remember I've always been by myself. Whether 10 years old sitting in my room playing with legos from the moment i wake up till the moment i went to bed, with no one to play with. Or 14, in my basement in Piscataway just staring at my feet wishing I could have someone to talk to. Or 16, with no one to understand what happened with my dad and him not there to help me grow up probably when I could have used it the most. In a band, surrounded by friends, but fully aware that none of them connected in my head the way I connected in theirs. Or as a Junior in fucking college, sitting here in my room on a computer till 4 in the morning, because I'm waiting for something to come along and show me I have a reason to keep living. That someone out there knows who I really am. That someone is going come and tell me that "Everything is alright Matt. You're normal. Don't worry. You're going to grow up and be really happy and nothing is going to stop you. I promise you won't be alone. I promise that you're going to make your dad proud. Someone is going to understand you again. Someone, maybe even just one person, will be able to get through to you and you'll be completely fine Matt. You'll be completely fine."
And my heart always hurts when I remember that none of you know me.
Imagine how much it hurts when I remember I don't either.
Underoath had nothing to do with it really. But everything else does I suppose. I sit here till 3:30 or later every night. And I occupy myself with facebook, or live journal, tumblr, formspring, whatever. And I don't accomplish anything except more waiting. And the waiting never ends. That's what I really want to know. When is the waiting going to stop?
When am I going to finally be able to go to bed, sober, thinking that tomorrow is going to be a good day? Or thinking that tomorrow will at least be better than today was? Or even just go to bed not having to convince myself that 'tomorrow everyone is going to see the real Matt Donato'?
When am I going to finally be able to surround myself with people while simultaneously feeling like I'm not genuinely alone?
Why have I been so alone my entire life? Since as long as I can remember I've always been by myself. Whether 10 years old sitting in my room playing with legos from the moment i wake up till the moment i went to bed, with no one to play with. Or 14, in my basement in Piscataway just staring at my feet wishing I could have someone to talk to. Or 16, with no one to understand what happened with my dad and him not there to help me grow up probably when I could have used it the most. In a band, surrounded by friends, but fully aware that none of them connected in my head the way I connected in theirs. Or as a Junior in fucking college, sitting here in my room on a computer till 4 in the morning, because I'm waiting for something to come along and show me I have a reason to keep living. That someone out there knows who I really am. That someone is going come and tell me that "Everything is alright Matt. You're normal. Don't worry. You're going to grow up and be really happy and nothing is going to stop you. I promise you won't be alone. I promise that you're going to make your dad proud. Someone is going to understand you again. Someone, maybe even just one person, will be able to get through to you and you'll be completely fine Matt. You'll be completely fine."
And my heart always hurts when I remember that none of you know me.
Imagine how much it hurts when I remember I don't either.