Pre-Rutgers Spring 2010 Freak Out.
im not just nervous about Tuesday. i'm so many different emotions about Tuesday. listen, im a pretty cool dude when i wanna be, but i'll admit that im really quite intimidated by Rutgers. as long as i can remember i've had every intention of just staying in Metuchen my entire life; i've never really been exposed to then outside world. it was only until recently that i just got fucking sick of Metuchen, and sick of being at home, and being surrounded by mostly faggots and assholes and people i don't get along with or don't respect/don't respect me. i had this epiphany at the end of the summer/beginning of Fall semester where i was drinking myself stupid and meeting new people and hanging out with strange groups of people and just doing things i never thought i would do. these were all minuscule events to normal people but not to me. i'm a social person. but im not as outgoing as i thought i was. and every bit of Rutgers has me completely shocked. culture shocked maybe. most definitely. i haven't even attended one class yet and the idea of trains and buses and walking in the cold and College Ave and all these people, all these strangers, it's shocking to me. it truely is. and i still dont have all my financial stuff squared away, which i need to do ASAP. it's just all confusing to me at this moment i suppose. i hope it all works out though, because the more and more time i spend, even during the day, on campus, the more and more i feel myself getting used to the surroundings. this is a big step for me, not because i cant handle it or because i'm not as cool as everyone else who takes trains into the city and goes to the village and does this and that with their friends and goes to this party here and this football game there or whatever it may be, because i've lived 20 years without any of that, but its a big step because since October of 2007 i've grown a lot, but i've also let myself die and fester and rot on the inside and i've let myself loath the world and the people around me and i've just been wandering through every day with no real sense of direction or sense of inclusion to anything bigger than myself. am i possibly over analyzing this? of course. im DEFINITELY over analyzing it. "it's just Rutgers" you'll say to yourself, or maybe even to me directly. but it's not. it's the outside. it's the unknown. the exciting. the exciting i never had all those times i was sitting in my room in Piscataway while my friends were out doing stuff late. the exciting i restrained myself from during high school and Middlesex by being straight edge. the exciting i was unaware of before this year. it's my escape from what i know. for now at least. and i need that. now more than ever. even if i'm not dorming. cause who gives a fuck? i'll have less debt when i'm older. cause that's what this is all really about. getting myself a degree, so i can get a job, and get that cute wife and kids i always daydream about....yes, when i'm shaving my vagina and watching Oprah.....fuck me right?