My head exploded, so now yours will, too!
Abtract
Metric translations have got my online dictionary down! But that's okay because it makes me laugh. Hyphens, like Jeff Gordon, suck. And so does my computer and so does my work ID! I'll reboot in a bit, maybe after I've gotten lunch and maybe done something. I did stuff this weekend that is so quintessentially me that I really don't even need to tell you what they are, but I do anyway. WHO WANTS TO GO SEE THE PADS/NATS WITH ME ON SUNDAY?!??! Let me know stat, so I can get tickets. I'm having a heart attack. I like the word "palanquin". I have Leprosy. No, I don't. I restage the Cola Wars, using parts of speech as proxies. Time to do work!
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Hi, okay, so I'm translating this article in German and I'm having this horrible flashbacks to last semester--you know, the one that caused me to wash out for I am lazy--and I'm trying to claw my eyes out. Oh, I'm doing this for work. It's really boring and it's about the reinsurance industry. Department of Redundancy Department. The reason I bring this up, other than to showcase my bling German skillZ, is because it just nearly caused me to die of laughing. Actually, not really it so much as the on-line translating dictionary I'm using. Now, this is the same one that told me last week that the French word for wallet was actually "pochette," and not what it actually is, which is, as I am now reliably informed, "porte-phooey", so you've got to expect that they're going to be a little off. I wanted to double check that the word "Milliard" translates as "Billion". So I type it in, and hit translate! The dictioniary returns the following:
In German: Milliard
In English: milli pool of broadcasting corporations
Um. HAR. Yes, I am translating an article about one-one thousandth (is that where the hypehn goes? I can never remember where to hyphenate things, except phrases where everything is hyphenated, like johnny-come-lately, which is what all of you Jeff Gordon fans in the world are. HE SUCKS COCK! Okay) of a pool of broadcasting corporations. See, there's a TV station or something in Germany called ARD. Apparently the Metricness of the prefix threw the dictionary off. In reality the article is about an insurance company and a re-insurance company and it was really quite dull, although I did learn how to make a Euro symbol in Word. Anyway that made my head explode, and that's not even half of what I have to do today. Yay! Luckily, my hard drive is coming up as read-only because it is a BASTARD, so there's all this stuff I have to do but FIRST I have to reboot, which, Ugh. So I have to close all these windows and blah blah and I'll do it in a bit.
As a means of procrastination I would go get lunch but like a RETARD I left my ID at home this morning. This means that I had to sign in this morning, and I'll have to sign in when I come back from leaving for lunch, and I have this stupid little Visitor Pass which I have stuck to my computer monitor (Hi, stupid pass!) in order to remind me of my shame and my ignominy and my blah blah. I AM BEREFT!!! Not really, I'm just annoyed. I'm going to have to do all of this all anyways, just later after I've maybe done something else that's useful. Like my time! Wah. What's humorous, or ironic, or conceited, some other literary device, is that last night I saw my ID and I was all, oh, huh, I should put that someplace where I remember to put it in my pocket in the morning! Whereupon I proceeded to do fuck-all (OMG I just wrote "fuck-ass" there, which is hilarious! And not true).
My weekend was a weekend. I did Nick things. Dr. Who, drinking, and Formula One. It was entertaining and relaxing and a good time, although by the end of the weekend I was struck with that kind of malaise that usually hits me when I haven't done anything worthwhile in a long time--and my threshold for "worthwhile" is extremely low. So I did what I normally do in these situations: I made a martini, picked up a book, and waited for it to pass. The malaise, I mean, not the martini. Eh. It's not actually gone tonight. Maybe I'll do something worthwhile tonight. MAYYYYYYbe.
Speaking of whortwhile (and this should clue you all in as to how low my actual threshold of worthwhile really is), I'm actually going to plan something. As probably only one of you knows, my beloved (in an on-again-off-again [SEE?! With the hyphens] sort of way, not a Toni Morrison way--my sister took a class with her and didn't like her, and I just assume that my sister is right about these kinds of things) San Diego Padres (LET'S GO PADRES! TILL WE REACH THE TOP! LET'S GO PADRES! WE WILL NEVER STOP! Until late season, when we will collapse like an Italian infantry charge) will be in town facing the Washington Nationals (possible irony: I wonder how many of their players are actually American nationals? Hmm) this weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday!! So if anyone's interested (fafou, I know you and I have talked about this!) in going to see a game this weekend, let me know so I can get tickets. I'm thinking probably the Sunday game, which is at 1:05. I'm not so into baseball that I need to be in the $50 seats, so I'm totally thinking something like $15/ticket, plus whatever you want for hotdogs and beer. Anyway. LET ME KNOW!!! BASEBALL!!! HOTDOGS!!! BEER!!! ME IN PUBLIC!!! ME TRYING TO PLAN THINGS!!! What better way to kill a hangover? What more could you want?
Why am I short of breath? I feel like I'm nervous about something. Maybe I'm having a heart attack. Man, that would suck.
I heard a song last night that had the word "palanquin" in it. It was hot.
I think I might have leprosy. Okay, not really.
You know what I was thinking about the other day? Okay, no one ever does. But I was on the Metro going someplace, probably to work, and probably in the morning, and I was looking out the window and I started thinking about those ads from those people about Verbs. And how they're what you do. I remember not being able to believe that they were actually advertisements for verbs. Like, I really thought that they were some kind of avant-garde ads for soda, or something, since they had these kids being all extreme, right, and what do extreme kids do in ads but drink soda? But the punchline never came. So I guess they really are ads for parts of speech. Which I thought was funny, because as parts of speech go, verbs really don't have much in the way of competition; I mean, if something is happening in your sentence, you can't really describe it with an article or pronoun. Liek, OMG me and Becky an to the mall and totally hers a new shirt! It doesn't work. So I'm thinking, why not start with ads for adjectives and adverbs, right? Because in a lot of cases they can fulfill the same duty, depending on the wording. This way we know we have a choice in our wording decisions! It could be like the Great Cola Wars of the 80s, where you have people doing blind taste tests ("I really like B better--it has a '-ly' to it that I totally dig!") and then you can have adjectives go all new-age and try to get their own deidcated ending (say, '-to') so all of a sudden My newto car is silverto! And things that were alreadyto neato would be neatoto, and after about thirteen seconds of this we'd all be, WE WANT OUR ADJECTIVES CLASSIC!! And all of the New Adjectives would be sent to Italy. Actually, it appears that this might have already happened. DO IT AGAIN! See, this is what happens when parts of speech go all capitalism on you. (Nouns! They're what's for dinner. Literally.)
Let's not even get started on diet parts of speech. HMOG.
Lalala. Nose. Grindstone. I have to stay today until I've done the things that need doing, so I guess I should actually see that they get done. I know, what is all this crazy talk and who do I think I am, Mr. Thing-Doer? Clearly not, but, you know. Hey! I'm going with it. I apologize for the fact that this paragraph makes no sense whatsoever.
KTHXBYE!
Metric translations have got my online dictionary down! But that's okay because it makes me laugh. Hyphens, like Jeff Gordon, suck. And so does my computer and so does my work ID! I'll reboot in a bit, maybe after I've gotten lunch and maybe done something. I did stuff this weekend that is so quintessentially me that I really don't even need to tell you what they are, but I do anyway. WHO WANTS TO GO SEE THE PADS/NATS WITH ME ON SUNDAY?!??! Let me know stat, so I can get tickets. I'm having a heart attack. I like the word "palanquin". I have Leprosy. No, I don't. I restage the Cola Wars, using parts of speech as proxies. Time to do work!
-------------------------
Hi, okay, so I'm translating this article in German and I'm having this horrible flashbacks to last semester--you know, the one that caused me to wash out for I am lazy--and I'm trying to claw my eyes out. Oh, I'm doing this for work. It's really boring and it's about the reinsurance industry. Department of Redundancy Department. The reason I bring this up, other than to showcase my bling German skillZ, is because it just nearly caused me to die of laughing. Actually, not really it so much as the on-line translating dictionary I'm using. Now, this is the same one that told me last week that the French word for wallet was actually "pochette," and not what it actually is, which is, as I am now reliably informed, "porte-phooey", so you've got to expect that they're going to be a little off. I wanted to double check that the word "Milliard" translates as "Billion". So I type it in, and hit translate! The dictioniary returns the following:
In German: Milliard
In English: milli pool of broadcasting corporations
Um. HAR. Yes, I am translating an article about one-one thousandth (is that where the hypehn goes? I can never remember where to hyphenate things, except phrases where everything is hyphenated, like johnny-come-lately, which is what all of you Jeff Gordon fans in the world are. HE SUCKS COCK! Okay) of a pool of broadcasting corporations. See, there's a TV station or something in Germany called ARD. Apparently the Metricness of the prefix threw the dictionary off. In reality the article is about an insurance company and a re-insurance company and it was really quite dull, although I did learn how to make a Euro symbol in Word. Anyway that made my head explode, and that's not even half of what I have to do today. Yay! Luckily, my hard drive is coming up as read-only because it is a BASTARD, so there's all this stuff I have to do but FIRST I have to reboot, which, Ugh. So I have to close all these windows and blah blah and I'll do it in a bit.
As a means of procrastination I would go get lunch but like a RETARD I left my ID at home this morning. This means that I had to sign in this morning, and I'll have to sign in when I come back from leaving for lunch, and I have this stupid little Visitor Pass which I have stuck to my computer monitor (Hi, stupid pass!) in order to remind me of my shame and my ignominy and my blah blah. I AM BEREFT!!! Not really, I'm just annoyed. I'm going to have to do all of this all anyways, just later after I've maybe done something else that's useful. Like my time! Wah. What's humorous, or ironic, or conceited, some other literary device, is that last night I saw my ID and I was all, oh, huh, I should put that someplace where I remember to put it in my pocket in the morning! Whereupon I proceeded to do fuck-all (OMG I just wrote "fuck-ass" there, which is hilarious! And not true).
My weekend was a weekend. I did Nick things. Dr. Who, drinking, and Formula One. It was entertaining and relaxing and a good time, although by the end of the weekend I was struck with that kind of malaise that usually hits me when I haven't done anything worthwhile in a long time--and my threshold for "worthwhile" is extremely low. So I did what I normally do in these situations: I made a martini, picked up a book, and waited for it to pass. The malaise, I mean, not the martini. Eh. It's not actually gone tonight. Maybe I'll do something worthwhile tonight. MAYYYYYYbe.
Speaking of whortwhile (and this should clue you all in as to how low my actual threshold of worthwhile really is), I'm actually going to plan something. As probably only one of you knows, my beloved (in an on-again-off-again [SEE?! With the hyphens] sort of way, not a Toni Morrison way--my sister took a class with her and didn't like her, and I just assume that my sister is right about these kinds of things) San Diego Padres (LET'S GO PADRES! TILL WE REACH THE TOP! LET'S GO PADRES! WE WILL NEVER STOP! Until late season, when we will collapse like an Italian infantry charge) will be in town facing the Washington Nationals (possible irony: I wonder how many of their players are actually American nationals? Hmm) this weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday!! So if anyone's interested (fafou, I know you and I have talked about this!) in going to see a game this weekend, let me know so I can get tickets. I'm thinking probably the Sunday game, which is at 1:05. I'm not so into baseball that I need to be in the $50 seats, so I'm totally thinking something like $15/ticket, plus whatever you want for hotdogs and beer. Anyway. LET ME KNOW!!! BASEBALL!!! HOTDOGS!!! BEER!!! ME IN PUBLIC!!! ME TRYING TO PLAN THINGS!!! What better way to kill a hangover? What more could you want?
Why am I short of breath? I feel like I'm nervous about something. Maybe I'm having a heart attack. Man, that would suck.
I heard a song last night that had the word "palanquin" in it. It was hot.
I think I might have leprosy. Okay, not really.
You know what I was thinking about the other day? Okay, no one ever does. But I was on the Metro going someplace, probably to work, and probably in the morning, and I was looking out the window and I started thinking about those ads from those people about Verbs. And how they're what you do. I remember not being able to believe that they were actually advertisements for verbs. Like, I really thought that they were some kind of avant-garde ads for soda, or something, since they had these kids being all extreme, right, and what do extreme kids do in ads but drink soda? But the punchline never came. So I guess they really are ads for parts of speech. Which I thought was funny, because as parts of speech go, verbs really don't have much in the way of competition; I mean, if something is happening in your sentence, you can't really describe it with an article or pronoun. Liek, OMG me and Becky an to the mall and totally hers a new shirt! It doesn't work. So I'm thinking, why not start with ads for adjectives and adverbs, right? Because in a lot of cases they can fulfill the same duty, depending on the wording. This way we know we have a choice in our wording decisions! It could be like the Great Cola Wars of the 80s, where you have people doing blind taste tests ("I really like B better--it has a '-ly' to it that I totally dig!") and then you can have adjectives go all new-age and try to get their own deidcated ending (say, '-to') so all of a sudden My newto car is silverto! And things that were alreadyto neato would be neatoto, and after about thirteen seconds of this we'd all be, WE WANT OUR ADJECTIVES CLASSIC!! And all of the New Adjectives would be sent to Italy. Actually, it appears that this might have already happened. DO IT AGAIN! See, this is what happens when parts of speech go all capitalism on you. (Nouns! They're what's for dinner. Literally.)
Let's not even get started on diet parts of speech. HMOG.
Lalala. Nose. Grindstone. I have to stay today until I've done the things that need doing, so I guess I should actually see that they get done. I know, what is all this crazy talk and who do I think I am, Mr. Thing-Doer? Clearly not, but, you know. Hey! I'm going with it. I apologize for the fact that this paragraph makes no sense whatsoever.
KTHXBYE!